Product Placement Is Enjoyable

The assignment for my class this week was to write a sketch set in a late night talk show. Our parameters were fairly limited. I initially wrote a sketch depicting a replacement guest host for Letterman on his last day before Letterman returned, with the basic premise of everyone involved with the show having either quit trying or completely rebelled against the inept guest host. After my sister Angela informed me that it 'wasn't very subtle' and 'seeing everything coming from a mile away makes it less funny'. So I whipped up this bit about Letterman undergoing a policy change. This sketch originally went on for another half of a page, but my instructor is big on snappy endings. While I feel like the sketch doesn't really conclude itself like the way it used to, it definitely ends on a crisper note.

No More Commercial Interruptions

(Letterman appears at his desk)

Dave: Welcome back. It would appear that I neglected to make an announcement that possibly would have been better suited for the first 37 minutes of the show, because it concerns how The Late Show is changing forever. That advertisement just now for Raid: Bunny Repellant is the last of its kind, because the Late Show will never break for commercial again.

Paul: No breaks? Ever again?

Dave: Never again. Marketing research shows that viewers hate commercials. It breaks the flow of the show, tempts viewers to browse other stations which hurts our ratings.

Paul: Yeah, but, advertisers provide money, they pay for the show, and give us free t-shirts

Dave: This is by no means the end of advertising, and certainly not the end of free t-shirts, instead ads will now become integrated into the programming completely

Paul: Integrated? Like advertisements for white and black people?

Dave: No, I mean-

Paul: And Mexicans?

Dave: I mean that advertisements will become part of the show, we will integrate them into our routines.

(beat)

Paul:….um….white and bl—

Dave: No Paul, I mean that whenever possible we are to refer to products that we are advertising in conversation. In the course of our banter, we talk up products that are our sponsors, they are listed on the product sheet you were given before the show. This list (holds up sheet of paper with list of names).

Paul: This? (finding his own product list) I thought this was a song we were performing later tonight

Dave: When has the band ever been allowed to play a full song during the show?

Paul: During the commercial breaks—

Dave: That have just been cancelled forever

Paul: So how do we earn our keep?

Dave: I will show you. We make regular references to products on the list while still performing our show, which will now include about a half hour to forty minutes more stage time for all of us with no increase in pay. But for example, our guest on the show tonight is the young star of the Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Kane. Domino Sugar has provided customers with the best pure cane sugar for over 100 years

Paul: I don’t get it

Dave: Don’t get what?

Paul: You were talking about the show, and then you started talking about sugar, and I don’t know why. It was confusing.

Dave: I was integrating an advertisement into the show. Let’s do it again, in the normal banter of the show. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Paul: Well, uh, I’m worried about the lack of the commercial breaks…when am I going to take a piss?

Dave: Worried about when you’re going to take your next piss? Buy a pair of Depends. Depends: Hedge your bets.

Paul: You think I should wear Depends?

Dave: No, I just took the opportunity to make a pitch for one of our sponsors based on the topic of conversation

Paul: So I get paid to mention companies on this list, at seemingly random times

Dave: The less random it seems, the better

Paul: What about the rest of the band?

Dave: Over the next few weeks, the network will be determining whether having a full band, rather than just having Paul inexplicably standing next to a keyboard, is worth paying five men who have no tangible function

Paul: Oh.

Dave: Speaking of tangible functions, Toshiba has a six-function universal remote on sale at Radio Shack right now for only $12.99

Paul: Um…(realizing the opportunity to take part)…yeah, Radio Shack is awesome

Dave: Good one, Paul. Let’s bring on our guest Patrick Kane. Patrick Kane everyone!

(Kane enters oblivious to the events, good-naturedly grinning)

Dave: Hello, Patrick. Welcome to the show.

Patrick: Thanks, Dave. It’s great to be here

Dave: You’ve been in the news recently

Patrick: (immediately made nervous) Uh…maybe…season starts in a few months

Dave: I know I get all my news from slate.com. Unbiased, easy-to-use, I love slate

Patrick: Uh…

Paul: S-L-A-T-E, SLATE!

Patrick: Are we doing a spot right now? My publicist didn’t tell me about anything

Dave: So I was reading slate—

Paul: Great site, great site

Dave: And I read that you were involved in a little brouhaha the other night over a cab fare

Patrick: Uhhh…did you guys talk to my publicist at all?

Dave: Before I get in any cab I calculate the fare with an app on my iphone, that way there is never any confusion

Patrick: Hey, we had the right fare amount, that wasn’t the issue

Paul: IPHONE IS MY PHONE!

Patrick: He’s making me a little uneasy

Dave: A little more tact Paul. Patrick, did you injure your hand at all punching the cabbie in the face?

Patrick: I—I-have deep regret for what-um-it’s a complicated-um…my cousin drinks and—

Dave: Because the first time I bought a Louisville Slugger and held it in my hands, I knew my days of physical assault with my bare hands were over

Patrick: Well, that’s not anything I’d ever be interested in…though I have heard good things

Dave: For my money, or for yours, dear viewers, when you need to show a service provider that small mistakes make large lacerations, there’s no better purchase than a Louisville Slugger when you need a point to really hit home

Paul: Yeah, right in the face!

Patrick: Um, can we change things up a little bit? I just opened up a stadium for kids in my native town of Buffalo—

Dave: Wild wings? Sir, do you have any idea what kind of deals those people have on wings on Tuesday nights? It’s insane

Patrick: Well, um, I do love BW3’s

Paul: I once ventured to a place. A sole location shining with warm, beautiful welcoming light that shone throughout a desolate wasteland filled with beasts, wizards, and Jews. I had been wandering through it for months with nothing other than a penknife and a headband that recorded my memories, not a shred of clothing laid on my bare sunburned and pockmarked flesh. Near death, and parched beyond reason, I dragged my wearied carcass toward this oasis, and with my last bit of strength forced open the glass doors that separated me from salvation. I founded myself bathed in heavenly wonder and brightness. Three sirens wearing all black gathered me into their breasts, and lifted me to a gilded throne of happiness. They prepared for me endless libations until I was drunk not only with lust for these tender maidens, but from having consumed somewhere between 13-97 beers. I dined on the succulent and delicately seasoned flesh of holy calves slain in the most pious fashion. Satiated beyond measure, I relaxed in my throne of worldly delight and gave my most genuine and raucous applause, as I watched none other than the New York Mets defeat the St. Louis Cardinals, 4 to 3. The place I ventured to, was Buffalo Wild Wings.

Dave: Wow, was it a Tuesday?

Paul: Yes, it was

Dave: Nice

Patrick: I think I have to go

Dave: You know, when one is on the go—

Patrick: Stop, stop right there

Paul: Stop! In The Name of Love, and other hits by the Supremes can be yours for just $14.99 plus shipping and handling if you call 1-800-BUYTHISTHING

Patrick: Alright, I think, that we should wrap things up, I don’t know when the next commercial break is coming, but—

Dave: It’s not coming

Patrick: That’s disturbing

Dave: This interview goes on for another 29 minutes, which is way more time than you’ll need to complete the perfect ab workout

Patrick: I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know! I’m getting the hell out of here and on to my United flight home

Dave: How dare you! United Airlines sponsors the Jimmy Kimmel show!

Patrick: I’m out of here! You’re going to hear from my publicist!

(Patrick flees in a panic)

Dave: (resigned, slumps into his chair) That young punk, ruined what could have been a good spot for Southwest. What do we do now?

Paul: The band could play a song

Dave: Pfff, you guys don’t know any songs