Former Janitor Advice Column

Hey, so this was something I entered in a writing contest, now that I've officially lost I can post it up here. The premise was advice from a former high school janitor. That was my summer job for a while.


A Former Janitor Sprinkles Sawdust on the Mess That is Your Life
by Dan Young

Former Janitor Dan,
I have been dating my current girlfriend for about three months now. Things seem to be going pretty well, but I’m worried that I might not be able to satisfy her intellectually. What should I do?

-Ryan


Well Ryan, if this was about eight years ago and I was still a janitor I would point out that you are probably a gay homosexual. A real man only worries about trying to satisfy his girlfriend sexually not intellectually. Yakkity yak-yak talk time is for chumps, wussies, guys who are whipped, and floor scratching communists. I had just waxed that floor. Besides, a man can never keep up with a woman intellectually. It’s not that they’re smarter, they just have an unfair advantage.

You see, every month for three to five days a woman has their special lady time. During this magical time, she is in fact in communion with her dark lord and master, Satan. The devil uses this time to whisper forbidden secrets into your girlfriend’s ear. He tells her stuff that sounds really fancy and will always make her sound smarter than you. Then he mentions everything you did this week that would make your girlfriend angry, even though you’re a grown ass man and who you go drinking with and how much you spend at strip clubs is your own damn business. Hell, he even gives her forbidden knowledge so crazy powerful that it makes her hoo-ha bleed. You just can’t expect to keep up with some one who has all of that going on so don’t even try to be her intellectual peer.

But fortunately, dear reader, I’ve grown as a person since then. My days as a janitor long behind me I’ve learned a few simple truths. Firstly, the “special lady time” described above is in fact a process called menstruation. It is a completely normal part of the reproductive process in healthy females. You see, women are born with a set number of eggs or “ova” and they ovulate about once every 28 days releasing one egg from their ovaries, sending it towards the aforementioned “hoo-ha”. If this egg is not fertilized it, and several other odds and ends, are removed from the body. The process is fairly unpleasant both for the woman involved, and perhaps more noticeably for everyone around said woman. At no point does the woman commune with any supernatural beings, granting her an advantage over you.

I think it is admirable that you want to satisfy your girlfriend on an intellectual level. It shows that you care and could be the foundation of a very healthy and happy relationship. First you will need to build your confidence. Find a subject that your girlfriend is passionate about and study up on it. Read a book, look up a few articles online, and watch any relevant documentaries you might be able to find. If nothing else I’m sure your lady friend will appreciate the amount of effort you’re putting into her interests.

Then, with that sturdy foundation in place, kick things up a notch. Learn so much that you actually surpass your girlfriend, thus winning the relationship. We’ve established that she isn’t involved in any supernatural pacts so it is possible to get ahead of her. Do what she didn’t have the stomach for. Summon whatever minor god, demon, sprite, devil, or what have you and enter into a Faustian pact of your own. Forbidden knowledge in hand, enter into a long and rewarding relationship with your soul mate.

Good luck.