New Sketch - Bjork

(Carl and Ben are standing together)

Carl - Hey, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben - I'm Bjorking.

(pause)

Carl - Well, um, that's not something you can do.

Ben - What isn't?

Carl - Bjork. It's a proper noun. You can't "bjork," as if it's an action.

Ben - Sure I can.

Carl - It's not a verb.

Ben - Of course it is!

Carl - It's someone's name!

Ben - Well, yeah. And then I grammartized it.

(pause)

Carl - I'll give you that one, if you can tell me what it means to "grammartize" something.

Ben - I think it should be pretty self-explanatory, Carl.

Carl - Fine, whatever. So, what does it mean to "bjork," Ben?

Ben - You know.

Carl - I most certainly do not.

Ben - You know. Bjork. Bjork bjork.

Carl - Repeating a word three times is not a definition. Explain to me how you can "bjork."

Ben - I think it should be pretty self-explanatory, Carl.

Carl - (frustrated) She's a singer! From Europe! What the hell are you talking about? Are you singing like her? Are you jamming to her songs?

Ben - Oh, I see what the problem is. You are shackled by your comprehension of what Bjork is.

Carl - Oh, so she's not a European singer?

Ben - Carl. Carl, Carl. Carl, Carl Carl.

Carl - Stop that.

Ben - Bjork - it's a state of mind.

Carl - What state?

Ben - ...the Bjork one.

Carl - Goddammit, Ben.

Ben - What you need to learn is that we each, every one of us, have a bit of Bjork in us.

Carl - Do you even know her songs?

Ben - I know "Ninety-nine red balloons."

Carl - And that's it?

Ben - Yes. You don't need to listen to Bjork music to understand Bjork, Carl. You need to accept Bjork into your heart.

Carl - What does that even mean?!

Ben - You see, some people - like you, for instance - think that you can know of Bjork simply by "listening to her songs" and "looking her up on wikipedia." But Bjorkosity doesn't care what you "know." It doesn't care what your knowledge is, or how many albums you own. Bjork...is.

Carl - Of course Bjork is. She's a singer, and even if I don't listen to her, she's singing. Somewhere.

Ben - Bjork is inside each and every one of us.

Carl - Oh, god. You're thinking of a religion.

Ben - ...Maybe.

Carl - So what does accepting Bjork entail?

Ben - Well. You hate the Protestants, and your priests rape kids -

Carl - That's Catholicism.

Ben - What?

Carl - That's Catholicism. You're thinking of the Roman Catholic Church.

Ben - I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Carl - Maybe Opus Dei.

Ben - What's Opus Dei?

Carl - A breed of Catholic.

Ben - Oh, no, no, no, no. Bjork. You know, Bjork. Hey, Jeff! Jeff's coming. Maybe he can help you accept Bjork better, Carl.

(Jeff enters, hopping)

Jeff - Bjork!

Ben - How are you today, Jeff?

Jeff - Bjork, bjork.

Carl - Fuck this, I'm outta here. (Carl leaves)

(pause)

Jeff - Bjork?

Ben - He's a heretic, Jeff.

Jeff - Bjork!

Ben - I think you know what must be down.

Jeff - Bjork.

(end)