An Excuse That Would Not Fly in High School

In preparation for the revelry of this past Saturday night, I packed a handle of tanqueray into my backpack. At some point in the evening, the bottle began to leak out across the backpack and all of its contents, including my notebook for my writing class. The value of the comedy blog is enormously inflated now, as it becomes the savior of all my ink smeared work. To start the recovery, here is this week's set of two-liners.

A new walking and talking robot from Japan with a female face that can smile is set to make its debut at a fashion show. It has already been spotted in a bathroom jamming its rotating, lifting, and grabbing component down its facial depository slot, and ejecting up circuits in a last ditch attempt to fit in its dress before the show.
(This is a re-write that I did of a not so good joke a fellow classmate did, his punchline was something more along the lines of, 'Damn! That's creepy!')

Northbrook resident Sean Kelly's honeymoon is delayed after he was arrested at his wedding where he became heavily intoxicated, initiated a brawl with the family of his bride then, in plain sight of the police, opened a trunk filled with with six guns and ammunition, all of which were illegal because Kelly had his gun license revoked months ago. However his wife defended the man she had just chosen to be her husband, claiming that while Kelly was not without its faults, he always managed to put the toilet seat down.
(Trite, I know. In reading it aloud, I would emphasize all the dumb bullshit the guy did, because Good God, is he ever a moron. This joke is also gin-damaged, which is my real excuse)

A new sleeping survey reveals that napping frequencies are for the most part static for adults, from age 18 to to age 80. After a subject reaches 80 years, naps count instead as 'practice deaths.

Over 30,000 rubber ducks were launched into the Chicago River for the fourth annual Windy City Rubber Ducky Derby. Nowadays "rubber" ducks are actually made of polyvinyl chloride processed with phthalates that are known to cause birth defects, which made it all the more alarming when the river's toxicity level dropped 12 percent.
(Have you seen the Chicago River? They barely need to do anything to dye it green for St. Patrick's Day)

The government is suspending its "cash for clunkers" car exchange program for fear that they will soon exhaust all of their $1 billion rebate reserve. As of Wednesday, 22,782 outdated and dilapidated vehicles have been brought in for rebates, a total that includes every car GM has sold this year.

Sarah Palin fans, yes Sarah Palin fans, are worried because the former Alaska governor has not posted on Twitter for an entire week. When asked about her absence, Palin declared "I'm looking to effect change from outside of Twitter, where I will not be forced by the Twitter bureaucracy to connect my words to specific thoughts, or limit the numbers of characters in my head to 140."
(My favorite part of that joke is taking a moment to say, "yes, there are Sarah Palin fans, and this is stupid.")

The CTA has discontinued use of two vehicle washers after a worker contracted legionnaire's disease, a bacteria infection that is fatal in 5 to 30 percent of cases. However, the CTA is more concerned about the far deadlier mold growing in the seats, carcinogens in the fuel exhaust, and whatever the hell the guy next to you just sneezed into your macchiato.
(Once again dissing the Chicago Public Transit system, I failed to come up a way to properly address how absurd it is that a worked got legionnaire's disease from the device that CLEANS the buses.)

President Obama is confident that the economy is finally coming around, saying "Eventually, business will start growing again and will start hiring again." The president went on to say "And then we'll all ride to the beach on hover-scooters made of cherries, we'll go-go dance to the Bee Gees, and me and Glenn Beck will be bestest friends," before opening his suit to reveal a t-shirt that read 'Groove is in the Heart', opening an umbrella, and then slowly floating away into the clouds.
(I wrote this joke kind of knowing it would drive my instructor crazy, instead of making one snappy joke, I make 8 at once. The economy is fucked, and it would only be a wacky scenario where Obama is simultaneously a lonely child who loves disco, secretly wants everyone to like them, is an effeminate gay man, and also Mary Poppins. 'Groove is in the Heart' by Dee-Lite is of course an anthem of any gay pride parade. James should download it now.)

Scott Toberman, the man who once wowed Chicago city planners with his proposal to build an 112 story condominium that would have become the new world's tallest building, pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges for stealing more than $1 million from clients. "It's a good thing we never carried out his plans, it'd be a shame to have a building in Chicago that's a monument to corruption and crime," said Mayor Daley from City Hall.
(Get it? GET IT?)

The Illinois State Government is drastically cutting back service programs in an attempt to be able to pay back the $3.9 billion it owes to health care providers from last year. Health Insurance companies are doing their part to cut back as well, the blue cheese stuffed inside of olives, placed inside of martinis at corporate retreats this year will have bits of bacon in them where there were once diced polar bear toes, which executives have lamented to be "equally delicious, but sadly not quite as evil."
(The toes of a polar bear, diced into little bits, then placed inside blue cheese that is stuffed inside of olives that are served into martinis, while the fucking state goes under forever. Man, that is evil.)

Joe Biden spoke at the National Urban League Convention at Chicago's McCormick Place and urged minority business owners to be assertive in securing their share of federal stimulus funds. Barack Obama offered to attend himself but the Urban League was hesitant to stray from its time tested formula of patronizing keynote speeches given by aging, out of touch, and noticeably uncomfortable white politicians.
(I really like making fun of Joe Biden, and I can't really justify it. He's funny.)

Two Ohio police officers are being charged with conspiring to steal items from the surrogate mother of Hollywood couple Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. Speaking from the crime scene, Special Prosecutor T. Shawn Hervey said that while he was disgusted at the actions of the officers, "the notion that a woman injected with the sperm of Ferris Bueller himself once stood over the very same bidet that I stand next to right now, frankly has me a little star struck."
(The story wasn't silly enough, I had to inject the joke that they would steal a damn bidet.)


That's it for two-liners, I'm still working on my other homework.