Not Really What You Wanted

So after taking a week off with a ridiculous illness that he never explained, my instructor says we should take a break from the two-liners, to focus on a longer script for a late-night show, which I shall post later in the week. In the mean time, here's three two-liners I worked up today and a fake commercial I wrote in class from our instructor simply giving us the prompt of "I saw an ad for Real Estate school today on the bus, and it seems ridiculous for people to be entering real estate school in this economy. Write a fake ad." So I did, but first the two-liners.

Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane was arrested for helping his cousin savagely beat a 60-year old cabbie who was 20 cents short in giving the men their change for their fare. The Blackhawks, stunned by the incident, immediately offered Kane's cousin a three-year contract.
(The Blackhawks are a hockey team. I thought I'd mention that for James' benefit.)

Clifton Williams was sentenced to 6 months in prison for contempt of court for yawning during the sentencing of his cousin, who had plead guilty for a felony drug charge, for which he was only receiving probation. This imbalance in judgment comes as a surprise only to those not familiar with the judge's outspoken support of Chicago Public Schools' "Stop Kids From Dozing Off in Class By Spiking Everything They Consume with Cocaine" initiative.

US, Mexican, and Canadian leaders are meeting for a summit in Guadalajara, Mexico, but this meeting between the friendly neighbors is occurring during a very strained time for the three nations. President Obama has expressed concerns over the human rights violations carried out by the Mexican Army in their long, bloody war with the drug cartels, while Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is on the record stating "OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO!?!?!? I'M GOING TO DIE!!!"

I almost forgot, there was a joke in class we were called upon to workshop, so here's 3 punchlines I worked up for this one premise.

A Chicago area company that converted strands of Ludwig Von Beethoven's hair into diamonds, will soon use the same process on the hair of Michael Jackson.
-While the owner of Beethoven's hair diamonds sold them to become fabulously wealthy, all the jerricurl spray that was used on Jackson's hair in the 80's will leave the owner to merely be 'hood rich', and only 'ghetto fabulous'.
-Pristine, white diamonds, which will then be swallowed whole by Jackson's long-time friend Elizabeth Taylor
-Jackson family members claim that "this is what Michael would have wanted," which is what they would say, because that family is nuts.


Fake commercial
(Professional woman in cliche red real estate agent blazer)
Looking to start a career that you can use to become fabulously wealthy and achieve your dreams? Are you tired of your current job and want to move to a fast-paced, never boring industry where hard work pays off big? But mostly, are you looking for a career that won't really be viable for another 7-10 years? Then now, yes now is the time to enter real estate school!
The real estate market is dead, deader than Michael Jackson. But just like Michael, it's due to rise from the dead, provided that you're willing to wait 7-10 years. Here at Pyramid Real Estate Academy, we're looking to enroll and instruct highly motivated self-starters, who are looking to dive into what should be a fast-paced market in 7-10 years. We've already educated thousands of people just like you who are well on their way to starting phenomenal careers in 7-10 years. Here are some of them:

(Cut to garbage man riding on a truck, truck stops and he gets off. Begins to pick up bags and toss them in truck while talking)
I was bored as hell at my job, real bored. Tossing stinky trash around, hanging on the back of a truck clearly made in Detroit, working with scary minorities like Reggie here (gestures to co-worker), I needed a new career. But honestly, I could go at my current job for another 7-10 years, which is why I chose to get my real estate license now! So it will expire by the time I need it.

(Cut to suburban housewife baking cookies in the kitchen)
I have four kids, a mortgage to pay, and a real need to earn money first. Or at least I will in 7-10 years. That's why I'm enrolling in real estate school to give myself the ability to support my family when my husband dies in 7-10 years.

(Cut to man on dialysis at his refrigerator eating from an enormous tub only labeled as 'Custard')
Why join real estate school and wait till the market comes around in 7-10 years when any doctor worth his salt says I'll be dead in 3 weeks? I'll tell you. I just need a good reason to--

(Sudden cut back to host)
I could give you tons of testimonials of why people are rushing down to Pyramid Real Estate Academy, but you don't have forever, you only have 7-10 years to get your license, and probably only 6 years after that before the market bottoms out again. Haha, in this deregulated world, why should your life choices be any less random than the disastrously drastic lurches of the housing market? Come to Pyramid Real Estate School, located right across the street from the world renowned Pyramid Fake Estate School.