I was assigned this week to come up with desk pieces, which are essentially running gags that the host of a late-night show could do. Examples would be Letterman's top ten lists, Leno's newspaper misprints, etc. This was weird, because I have to conceptualize avenues on which to transmit the funny, not just make the funny. So here are some ideas.
New Religions- From the desk the host produces a poster that has a picture of new religion's church, mosque, synagogue, etc., produces the name of the head of the religion, and describes a major tenet of the religion, whether it's something they worship, or a particular break from a major religion that they have.
Example: A new radical sect of Islam that agrees that the pig is a filthy animal, and that is why they must instead eat as much pork as possible so that the pig will eventually not exist. Followers submit to stop work five times a day to sit on a picnic blanket and eat spare ribs, some extremist groups commit terrorist attacks against Piggly-Wiggly stores. The leader of the religion is secretly the CEO of Chili's
Books Recently Banned/New Bestsellers in (Different repressive country each week)- Host pulls up a pile of books that can either be a pile of books that is all banned books, or a mixture of banned books and best-selling books in a particularly repressive country (China, Cuba, All of the Middle East, etc). Titles can be both real and made up
Example:
Afghanistan- Bestseller: The 72 People You Meet in Heaven
Banned: Riding in Cars with Boys
Cuba- Bestseller: Pitching 101
Banned: Sailing 101
Hottest Ticket in Town- Host reveals ticket to most popular event in cities around the world that are pertinent to current news or events. Ticket Price and event details listed on ticket.
Juarez, Mexico: Ticket to soccer game that offers partial refund if a member of the home team is executed by cartel prior to kickoff. Also a stub can be redeemed for one free Tecate if lumps from mass unmarked graves under field noticeably alters play. Cost is 35,000 pesos
Elkhart, Indiana: Host simply holds ticket number indicating place in bread line. Cost is dignity.
Tehran, Iran: Ticket to opposition protests against corrupt election results. First 5,000 attendees are in a lot of trouble. Cost is civil rights.
Phoenix, Arizona: Ticket to Phoenix Mercury vs. Atlanta Dream WNBA game. First five in attendance receive game jersey, team socks, sneakers and 2-3 plays designed specifically for them over the course of the game. Cost is $10.
Los Angeles, California: Ticket to see Michael Jackson's grave actually be dug. Shovels are first come, first serve. Dirt is on sale for $750 a granule while supplies last. Cost is $150,000.
Beijing, China: Ticket to speed dating night where there are rumored to be 3 women for every ten men. Cost is one male child.
I still need to come up with three more. I feel like concentrating and coming up with something decent will be better than pumping out three for the sake of keeping it in one blog post.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
An Excuse That Would Not Fly in High School
In preparation for the revelry of this past Saturday night, I packed a handle of tanqueray into my backpack. At some point in the evening, the bottle began to leak out across the backpack and all of its contents, including my notebook for my writing class. The value of the comedy blog is enormously inflated now, as it becomes the savior of all my ink smeared work. To start the recovery, here is this week's set of two-liners.
A new walking and talking robot from Japan with a female face that can smile is set to make its debut at a fashion show. It has already been spotted in a bathroom jamming its rotating, lifting, and grabbing component down its facial depository slot, and ejecting up circuits in a last ditch attempt to fit in its dress before the show.
(This is a re-write that I did of a not so good joke a fellow classmate did, his punchline was something more along the lines of, 'Damn! That's creepy!')
Northbrook resident Sean Kelly's honeymoon is delayed after he was arrested at his wedding where he became heavily intoxicated, initiated a brawl with the family of his bride then, in plain sight of the police, opened a trunk filled with with six guns and ammunition, all of which were illegal because Kelly had his gun license revoked months ago. However his wife defended the man she had just chosen to be her husband, claiming that while Kelly was not without its faults, he always managed to put the toilet seat down.
(Trite, I know. In reading it aloud, I would emphasize all the dumb bullshit the guy did, because Good God, is he ever a moron. This joke is also gin-damaged, which is my real excuse)
A new sleeping survey reveals that napping frequencies are for the most part static for adults, from age 18 to to age 80. After a subject reaches 80 years, naps count instead as 'practice deaths.
Over 30,000 rubber ducks were launched into the Chicago River for the fourth annual Windy City Rubber Ducky Derby. Nowadays "rubber" ducks are actually made of polyvinyl chloride processed with phthalates that are known to cause birth defects, which made it all the more alarming when the river's toxicity level dropped 12 percent.
(Have you seen the Chicago River? They barely need to do anything to dye it green for St. Patrick's Day)
The government is suspending its "cash for clunkers" car exchange program for fear that they will soon exhaust all of their $1 billion rebate reserve. As of Wednesday, 22,782 outdated and dilapidated vehicles have been brought in for rebates, a total that includes every car GM has sold this year.
Sarah Palin fans, yes Sarah Palin fans, are worried because the former Alaska governor has not posted on Twitter for an entire week. When asked about her absence, Palin declared "I'm looking to effect change from outside of Twitter, where I will not be forced by the Twitter bureaucracy to connect my words to specific thoughts, or limit the numbers of characters in my head to 140."
(My favorite part of that joke is taking a moment to say, "yes, there are Sarah Palin fans, and this is stupid.")
The CTA has discontinued use of two vehicle washers after a worker contracted legionnaire's disease, a bacteria infection that is fatal in 5 to 30 percent of cases. However, the CTA is more concerned about the far deadlier mold growing in the seats, carcinogens in the fuel exhaust, and whatever the hell the guy next to you just sneezed into your macchiato.
(Once again dissing the Chicago Public Transit system, I failed to come up a way to properly address how absurd it is that a worked got legionnaire's disease from the device that CLEANS the buses.)
President Obama is confident that the economy is finally coming around, saying "Eventually, business will start growing again and will start hiring again." The president went on to say "And then we'll all ride to the beach on hover-scooters made of cherries, we'll go-go dance to the Bee Gees, and me and Glenn Beck will be bestest friends," before opening his suit to reveal a t-shirt that read 'Groove is in the Heart', opening an umbrella, and then slowly floating away into the clouds.
(I wrote this joke kind of knowing it would drive my instructor crazy, instead of making one snappy joke, I make 8 at once. The economy is fucked, and it would only be a wacky scenario where Obama is simultaneously a lonely child who loves disco, secretly wants everyone to like them, is an effeminate gay man, and also Mary Poppins. 'Groove is in the Heart' by Dee-Lite is of course an anthem of any gay pride parade. James should download it now.)
Scott Toberman, the man who once wowed Chicago city planners with his proposal to build an 112 story condominium that would have become the new world's tallest building, pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges for stealing more than $1 million from clients. "It's a good thing we never carried out his plans, it'd be a shame to have a building in Chicago that's a monument to corruption and crime," said Mayor Daley from City Hall.
(Get it? GET IT?)
The Illinois State Government is drastically cutting back service programs in an attempt to be able to pay back the $3.9 billion it owes to health care providers from last year. Health Insurance companies are doing their part to cut back as well, the blue cheese stuffed inside of olives, placed inside of martinis at corporate retreats this year will have bits of bacon in them where there were once diced polar bear toes, which executives have lamented to be "equally delicious, but sadly not quite as evil."
(The toes of a polar bear, diced into little bits, then placed inside blue cheese that is stuffed inside of olives that are served into martinis, while the fucking state goes under forever. Man, that is evil.)
Joe Biden spoke at the National Urban League Convention at Chicago's McCormick Place and urged minority business owners to be assertive in securing their share of federal stimulus funds. Barack Obama offered to attend himself but the Urban League was hesitant to stray from its time tested formula of patronizing keynote speeches given by aging, out of touch, and noticeably uncomfortable white politicians.
(I really like making fun of Joe Biden, and I can't really justify it. He's funny.)
Two Ohio police officers are being charged with conspiring to steal items from the surrogate mother of Hollywood couple Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. Speaking from the crime scene, Special Prosecutor T. Shawn Hervey said that while he was disgusted at the actions of the officers, "the notion that a woman injected with the sperm of Ferris Bueller himself once stood over the very same bidet that I stand next to right now, frankly has me a little star struck."
(The story wasn't silly enough, I had to inject the joke that they would steal a damn bidet.)
That's it for two-liners, I'm still working on my other homework.
A new walking and talking robot from Japan with a female face that can smile is set to make its debut at a fashion show. It has already been spotted in a bathroom jamming its rotating, lifting, and grabbing component down its facial depository slot, and ejecting up circuits in a last ditch attempt to fit in its dress before the show.
(This is a re-write that I did of a not so good joke a fellow classmate did, his punchline was something more along the lines of, 'Damn! That's creepy!')
Northbrook resident Sean Kelly's honeymoon is delayed after he was arrested at his wedding where he became heavily intoxicated, initiated a brawl with the family of his bride then, in plain sight of the police, opened a trunk filled with with six guns and ammunition, all of which were illegal because Kelly had his gun license revoked months ago. However his wife defended the man she had just chosen to be her husband, claiming that while Kelly was not without its faults, he always managed to put the toilet seat down.
(Trite, I know. In reading it aloud, I would emphasize all the dumb bullshit the guy did, because Good God, is he ever a moron. This joke is also gin-damaged, which is my real excuse)
A new sleeping survey reveals that napping frequencies are for the most part static for adults, from age 18 to to age 80. After a subject reaches 80 years, naps count instead as 'practice deaths.
Over 30,000 rubber ducks were launched into the Chicago River for the fourth annual Windy City Rubber Ducky Derby. Nowadays "rubber" ducks are actually made of polyvinyl chloride processed with phthalates that are known to cause birth defects, which made it all the more alarming when the river's toxicity level dropped 12 percent.
(Have you seen the Chicago River? They barely need to do anything to dye it green for St. Patrick's Day)
The government is suspending its "cash for clunkers" car exchange program for fear that they will soon exhaust all of their $1 billion rebate reserve. As of Wednesday, 22,782 outdated and dilapidated vehicles have been brought in for rebates, a total that includes every car GM has sold this year.
Sarah Palin fans, yes Sarah Palin fans, are worried because the former Alaska governor has not posted on Twitter for an entire week. When asked about her absence, Palin declared "I'm looking to effect change from outside of Twitter, where I will not be forced by the Twitter bureaucracy to connect my words to specific thoughts, or limit the numbers of characters in my head to 140."
(My favorite part of that joke is taking a moment to say, "yes, there are Sarah Palin fans, and this is stupid.")
The CTA has discontinued use of two vehicle washers after a worker contracted legionnaire's disease, a bacteria infection that is fatal in 5 to 30 percent of cases. However, the CTA is more concerned about the far deadlier mold growing in the seats, carcinogens in the fuel exhaust, and whatever the hell the guy next to you just sneezed into your macchiato.
(Once again dissing the Chicago Public Transit system, I failed to come up a way to properly address how absurd it is that a worked got legionnaire's disease from the device that CLEANS the buses.)
President Obama is confident that the economy is finally coming around, saying "Eventually, business will start growing again and will start hiring again." The president went on to say "And then we'll all ride to the beach on hover-scooters made of cherries, we'll go-go dance to the Bee Gees, and me and Glenn Beck will be bestest friends," before opening his suit to reveal a t-shirt that read 'Groove is in the Heart', opening an umbrella, and then slowly floating away into the clouds.
(I wrote this joke kind of knowing it would drive my instructor crazy, instead of making one snappy joke, I make 8 at once. The economy is fucked, and it would only be a wacky scenario where Obama is simultaneously a lonely child who loves disco, secretly wants everyone to like them, is an effeminate gay man, and also Mary Poppins. 'Groove is in the Heart' by Dee-Lite is of course an anthem of any gay pride parade. James should download it now.)
Scott Toberman, the man who once wowed Chicago city planners with his proposal to build an 112 story condominium that would have become the new world's tallest building, pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges for stealing more than $1 million from clients. "It's a good thing we never carried out his plans, it'd be a shame to have a building in Chicago that's a monument to corruption and crime," said Mayor Daley from City Hall.
(Get it? GET IT?)
The Illinois State Government is drastically cutting back service programs in an attempt to be able to pay back the $3.9 billion it owes to health care providers from last year. Health Insurance companies are doing their part to cut back as well, the blue cheese stuffed inside of olives, placed inside of martinis at corporate retreats this year will have bits of bacon in them where there were once diced polar bear toes, which executives have lamented to be "equally delicious, but sadly not quite as evil."
(The toes of a polar bear, diced into little bits, then placed inside blue cheese that is stuffed inside of olives that are served into martinis, while the fucking state goes under forever. Man, that is evil.)
Joe Biden spoke at the National Urban League Convention at Chicago's McCormick Place and urged minority business owners to be assertive in securing their share of federal stimulus funds. Barack Obama offered to attend himself but the Urban League was hesitant to stray from its time tested formula of patronizing keynote speeches given by aging, out of touch, and noticeably uncomfortable white politicians.
(I really like making fun of Joe Biden, and I can't really justify it. He's funny.)
Two Ohio police officers are being charged with conspiring to steal items from the surrogate mother of Hollywood couple Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. Speaking from the crime scene, Special Prosecutor T. Shawn Hervey said that while he was disgusted at the actions of the officers, "the notion that a woman injected with the sperm of Ferris Bueller himself once stood over the very same bidet that I stand next to right now, frankly has me a little star struck."
(The story wasn't silly enough, I had to inject the joke that they would steal a damn bidet.)
That's it for two-liners, I'm still working on my other homework.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Bleargh
Okay, so that last link was broken. Try this one:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
Thursday, July 30, 2009
More work-work
I was just telling Fegan about how I'm currently writing two stories at the same time, the one I just posted, and this one:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
It's about Jesus!
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
It's about Jesus!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Read my work-work
Fegan's post reminded me that this blog exists.
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfMGR6emg3dGNz&hl=en
That link will take you to a work-in-progress, a story that, upon being finished, I plan to sell to a sci-fi magazine. Currently, part one is done.
--James "This is the #1 reason why I'm not a good employee here" Spitalere
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfMGR6emg3dGNz&hl=en
That link will take you to a work-in-progress, a story that, upon being finished, I plan to sell to a sci-fi magazine. Currently, part one is done.
--James "This is the #1 reason why I'm not a good employee here" Spitalere
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Read My Homework
Much like the United States sabotaged the League of Nations by not participating, so have I relegated the Comedy blog to irrelevant status with my lack of participation. Instead of surging to incredible heights while being buttressed by the wellspring that is my sublime and irrepressible writing talent. This poor blog has been subject to the boorish compositions of Justin Smith, James Spitalere, and the surly black kid. But no more, I have returned.
Ha, oh man, Mike Mikuska impressions aside, I finally signed into this blog. I know I was supposed to be more involved, and I apologize. Sketches escape me because I am broken and cannot hope to stay motivated for long periods of time, but I have been writing lately, because I'm required to! I've been mandated to write two-liners (First line: set up joke with actual information, Second line: Make shit up/punchline) about current events for the past two weeks. Additionally I've been forced to pump out two monologues, one a commentary, and the another is a character monologue.
Here's a seemingly unending wave of two-liners (and jokes of similar ilk that don't conform to two-liner rules, as my instructor was quick to inform me). I've included comments in parenthesis to explain why certain jokes aren't funny.
Rachel Ray underwent vocal chord surgery to remove a benign cyst from her throat. The operating surgeon said he was happy to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to plunge a sharpened metal object into Rachel Ray's neck
University of Illinois officials are outraged that school trustees used their influence to get friends and relatives admission into the University. One U of I official fretted, "If students witness how effective personal connections can be for getting into school, it might actually clue them into how to get jobs after college."
(I'm unemployed, and full of pain)
Despite the fallout from the Burr Oak Cemetery grave digging scandal, many families that have funerals already scheduled are claiming that they would still like to go through with their plans. Burr Oak officials have responded with "No worries, we'll have some free space in no time."
Change is seeping in slowly to Saudi Arabian gender relations, as many young women are struggling to gain the privilege to drive. While there are signs of the repressive Saudi government budging on their restrictions against women driving, don't expect any change in their laws against women leaving the home, women going to other people's homes, or women going to public places anytime soon.
(I was told this punchline wasn't snappy enough, perhaps it could be substituted with "however, laws against women parking are as stringent as ever." or something similar)
Six years after the porch collapse that killed 13 Lincoln Park residents, city officials are scaling back inspections of aging wooden porches, and calling upon residents to inspect porches themselves. Officials said residents should keep an eye out for such warning signs as split or rotting wood, evidence of water damage, and dead yuppies strewn all over the ground.
(Lincoln Park is full of yuppies. Perhaps a the most appropriate critique of this joke came from my sister, who said "It seems like you're trying to make well-to-do white people dying tragically into something to laugh at. That's dark James, really fucking dark.")
Lab workers at a Northwestern neurological research center are inspired by their co-worker PJ Lukac, who suffers from the same form of rare brain cancer that they spend every day searching for the cure of. However morale at the lab is low for a variety of reasons, whether it's the long hours, the tedious nature of lab work, or that every time a bored researcher suggests "Hey, screw this pointless lab work, let's skip out and get some beers!" his suggestion is followed by a long silence, a distant cough, and the offending party staring deep into the ocean of haunting melancholy that lie within PJ's eyes.
(I am told that while this joke is overlong, it redeems itself with inventiveness and an odd infusion of poetic language)
Scientists have discovered in a recent study that the gene variant that causes Alzheimer's can cause memory impairment earlier than expected, sometimes well before the age of 60. Scientists did find that subjects in the study took the news of their illness fairly well, usually nodding their heads submissively, then puttering across the room before arriving at the refrigerator, only to then pass out halfway through eating applesauce.
(The part about patients taking the news well is actually true, and perhaps should have been the setup itself).
5 Cops are wounded and 2 suspects are dead after a shootout in New Jersey initiated by a crazed shotgun wielding man dressed in priest clothing. A police lieutenant said "It was a scene you see in a war movie." The lieutenant was surely referencing the soon to be released film "Batshit Crazy Catholic Priest Shoots Everyone Inexplicably". Mel Gibson is set to star.
(Got a much bigger laugh just from the title than the Mel Gibson dig when I told this in class. I can never, ever tell this joke to Jacqueline. Ever).
Emerging from bankruptcy, GM is frantically selling off all of its unprofitable assets, including the Hyatt Hills Golf Complex, a golf course built on soil contaminated by the toxic waste and oil released when GM demolished one of their factories on the property. So far attempts to sell have been thwarted by the market being flooded with Japanese golf courses that are not only cheaper, but contaminated with far more poisonous chemicals.
CTA (Chicago Transit Authority, the group that runs Chicago public transportation to all you outsiders) President Richard Rodriguez is proposing to take away free employee cars by years end in order to cut costs. "I'll guess we'll all have to use the CTA ourselves," one CTA employee said (according to my instructor, the joke should have ended somewhere around here), his eyes glassy, his voice faded and distant as he sat back in his car that was quickly filling with noxious fumes from the CTA issue rubber hose he had been seen connecting to his exhaust pipe. When asked to elaborate on his comment, he responded by falling unconscious into his steering wheel, which resulted in no sound as the CTA had already removed the car's horns a year ago in a previously failed attempt to cut costs.
The world's largest cupcake, complete with 15 pounds of fudge filling and 60 pounds of icing, is being donated to a pig farm. This is part of a new campaign of humane treatment of pigs, whereas instead of being slaughtered, they will merely be allowed to die of diabetes.
Paula Abdul's new manager says her client is unhappy with how she's being treated and might not return to American Idol. "She's hurt, she's angry. The way they are treating , it's almost as if absolutely nothing in Paula Abdul's career substantiates her as an expert on singing."
David Beckham's return to Los Angeles to play for the MLS team the LA Galaxy after spending four months playing in Europe was not a happy one, as he was booed, cursed at, and met with angry signs that labeled him as a "fraud" and "evil". Local pundits have firmly stated that Beckham, with his heavily manicured blond hair, dilettante wife, unfailing eye for self-promotion, and duplicitous nature, simply doesn't belong in Los Angeles.
Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted last week that if elected she would not allow her background to factor into how she decides a case, instead she pledged to-
(Pick your own punchline!)
-"just make shit up."
-"let the pure and unbiased forces of utter chaos determine her actions," before screaming "Anarchy!", sticking a dagger between her teeth, and swinging from a suddenly appearing rope through the window. 7 onlookers were injured by shattering glass.
Summer vacation is already ending after only a month for Illinois schools with year-round schedules designed to keep students out of trouble. Said one fifth-grader, "One month barely even feels like an hour when you do as much ecstasy as I do."
Various clergy members and religious leaders traveled to Burr Oak Cemetery to re-consecrate what was once considered holy ground. One Burr Oak employee was heard to comment "Ooohhhh, you sprinkled your fruity holy water everywhere and mumbled gibberish, I'm totally not going to dig up the graves now...ooooo!"
Papa John's founder John Schnatter delivered 15 pizzas to the top floor of the Willis Tower in an attempt to set the Guinness World Record for "Highest Pizza delivery." The event is being commemorated with a new menu item, for $9.99 customers can now order a large pizza topped with pointless bullshit.
(The following joke has six punchlines. I am told that only the last two are even close to amusing, and a few come off as shockingly homophobic)
A brawl broke out at a gay men's beauty pageant when a losing contestant angrily grabbed the trophy and violently struck a judge who voted against him in the head.
-"It's a big step for America," one witness said, "finally an instance of a gay man being savagely beaten that is absolutely hilarious."
-One police officer complained that being forced to drive out in 3350 W Jackson late at night was "totally gay".
-A judge not involved in the fight commented, "In my 25 years of experience, that's the best face shot I've ever seen."
-The suddenly insecure about their masculinity officials of an upcoming heterosexual male beauty pageant claim that their winner this year will be determined by who looks prettiest after a chainsaw fight.
-When asked for comment, the victim replied "Man, that cocksucker sure hits hard."
-Security personnel strangely found the proceedings easier to deal with than the cattiness and emotional aggression associated with female beauty pageants, one commented "Gold-plated trophies fracture jaws, but words break hearts."
The F-22 fighter plane has been removed from production in an effort to cut costs by eliminating titillating but extraneous items from the military budget. Other eliminated items include the bomb the size of Montana, the magic toaster, top-quality body armor for troops, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
The video of a Minnesota couple and their wedding party "boogieing" down the aisle to the tune of Chris Brown's hit "Forever", has been declared a surprise youtube hit, after reaching 2 million views. Horribly filmed video of awkward white people ironically dancing poorly to hip-hop, a hit on youtube, it's the fucking underdog story of the year.
(I'm bitter and hateful)
Cook County correctional officer Abraham Yasin was rewarded $200,000 after suing over being called racial slurs like "camel jockey", "Bin Laden", and "shoe bomber" by fellow officers via his com radio. No word on what effect the revelation that Yasin had his radio turned to Rush Limbaugh's morning show the whole time will have on the case.
This past year ComEd lost 17,000 customers and the company is scratching its collective head as to why. A ComEd representative reported that while the company has received a wealth of exit surveys from departing customers, the fact that they are usually hurtled through ComEd office windows after being wrapped around large rocks and lit on fire makes them difficult to interpret.
(ComEd is a shitty electricity company that I hate)
Here is the commentary monologue:
Outrage over David Beckham has spread across Los Angeles like a celebrity home-consuming wildfire, or racial violence. In a town that finds Kobe Bryant genuinely charming, David Beckham has been labeled as a fraud, and subject to booing and cursing, treatment usually reserved for athletes who are caught trying to dispose of dead hookers in the dumpster behind a Wendy's, or members of the LA Clippers. Beckham is under derision for departing the LA Galaxy, his American MLS team, to play on loan for a European team that was surely vastly superior, on the basis that they play in Europe. If you're not familiar with the idea of playing on loan, it's because its one of those time-honored European customs that doesn't make any fucking sense. In European soccer, when a good team takes an interest in a player from a team that is, well, not bad, but simply handicapped by their owner's crippling inadequacy, rather than negotiate some sort of 'deal' that would ensure that each team is fairly compensated, they simply take the guy for an indefinite period of time. Just like how early European settlers acquired land from the Native Americans, or how Angelina Jolie got her kids. However, LA fans are not familiar with the loan program, and they're certainly not accustomed to European teams taking an interest in their typically god-awful players. When David Beckham signed with LA 2 or 3 or however many the hell years ago, LA assumed they were purchasing the loyalty that only $250 million and the horrifying desperation of a rapidly aging athlete could buy. However, anyone could see that the pairing of Beckham and American soccer was flawed. In a world where good European players play in Europe, good American players play in Europe, mediocre European players play in Eastern Europe, and mediocre American players work at the Home Depot, it comes as no surprise that with this kind of talent disparity that Beckham became disinterested and was accused by fellow player Landon Donovan of being a poor teammate, sleepwalking through games, and not hooking up any of the guys with a blowjob from a Spice Girl. The assumption that an international superstar would be invested in a league that plays in such super media markets as San Jose, CA, Columbus, OH, and has a team called Chivas, which is an homage to another earlier soccer team that also went out of business, is flimsier than Beckham's bleach blond faux-hawk and his wife's twig-like spinal column combined. Beckham didn't betray his fans, he simply latched on to probably the last real opportunity the embarrassingly desperate second half of his career will offer him. Now that Europe has sufficiently reminded itself that he's old, his knees are shot, and that he moves slower than a FEMA plane to New Orleans, Beckham is back. Now let's just leave him alone and go watch a sport we care about.
Character Monologue as a smarmy fucking ComEd rep. God I hate ComEd.
Hello fellow Chicagoans! I say fellow Chicagoans, because here at ComEd, we think of ourselves as part of Chicago. Just like in a family where you have a father that you call abusive, tell him he's a deadbeat, promise to kill him on sight, but deep down you know you need them. That's the kind of family member Chicago has in ComEd. When Chicago needs us, ComEd is usually there. And if we're not there, there's usually a half-decent reason. And if there isn't a half-decent reason, then take comfort in knowing that we'll be there in 2-3 hours in a big surge of power. Ooh, I'm sorry, poor choice of words there, my apologies to Romeoville, Joliet, and the entire West Side. But seriously Chicago, where are you? ComEd lost 17,000 customers last year, which is puzzling, because when we were muscling our way to complete control of the electricity market, this was exactly the type of activity that wasn't supposed to happen. If perhaps you've found a new power supplier, feel free to contact us on our website and tell us about them. Any information at all, whether it's the address of their corporate headquarters, the license plate number of their CEO's car, or where his daughter goes to high school, would be most helpful. In turn, contact them and tell them that a monopoly means no competition, and that ComEd ain't no punks. Finally, if you are discontinuing your ComEd service, please fill out our exit survey about why you're leaving, and MAIL it to our corporate headquarters. Don't put it through our window, don't crumple it around a rock, don't set it on fire, and for the love of God stop doing all three at once. Now if you're discontinuing your ComEd service because you cannot afford our recent rate increase, then disregard this announcement and anything nice we as a company have ever said to you, because you're poor and we hate you for it. That's all for now Chicago, take it easy, kick back and enjoy your summer vacation. And stock up on candles, because we're planning on enjoying our summer vacation too.
Phew. I'm sure there are a lot of typos. I have class tomorrow, so more work will be coming soon.
Ha, oh man, Mike Mikuska impressions aside, I finally signed into this blog. I know I was supposed to be more involved, and I apologize. Sketches escape me because I am broken and cannot hope to stay motivated for long periods of time, but I have been writing lately, because I'm required to! I've been mandated to write two-liners (First line: set up joke with actual information, Second line: Make shit up/punchline) about current events for the past two weeks. Additionally I've been forced to pump out two monologues, one a commentary, and the another is a character monologue.
Here's a seemingly unending wave of two-liners (and jokes of similar ilk that don't conform to two-liner rules, as my instructor was quick to inform me). I've included comments in parenthesis to explain why certain jokes aren't funny.
Rachel Ray underwent vocal chord surgery to remove a benign cyst from her throat. The operating surgeon said he was happy to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to plunge a sharpened metal object into Rachel Ray's neck
University of Illinois officials are outraged that school trustees used their influence to get friends and relatives admission into the University. One U of I official fretted, "If students witness how effective personal connections can be for getting into school, it might actually clue them into how to get jobs after college."
(I'm unemployed, and full of pain)
Despite the fallout from the Burr Oak Cemetery grave digging scandal, many families that have funerals already scheduled are claiming that they would still like to go through with their plans. Burr Oak officials have responded with "No worries, we'll have some free space in no time."
Change is seeping in slowly to Saudi Arabian gender relations, as many young women are struggling to gain the privilege to drive. While there are signs of the repressive Saudi government budging on their restrictions against women driving, don't expect any change in their laws against women leaving the home, women going to other people's homes, or women going to public places anytime soon.
(I was told this punchline wasn't snappy enough, perhaps it could be substituted with "however, laws against women parking are as stringent as ever." or something similar)
Six years after the porch collapse that killed 13 Lincoln Park residents, city officials are scaling back inspections of aging wooden porches, and calling upon residents to inspect porches themselves. Officials said residents should keep an eye out for such warning signs as split or rotting wood, evidence of water damage, and dead yuppies strewn all over the ground.
(Lincoln Park is full of yuppies. Perhaps a the most appropriate critique of this joke came from my sister, who said "It seems like you're trying to make well-to-do white people dying tragically into something to laugh at. That's dark James, really fucking dark.")
Lab workers at a Northwestern neurological research center are inspired by their co-worker PJ Lukac, who suffers from the same form of rare brain cancer that they spend every day searching for the cure of. However morale at the lab is low for a variety of reasons, whether it's the long hours, the tedious nature of lab work, or that every time a bored researcher suggests "Hey, screw this pointless lab work, let's skip out and get some beers!" his suggestion is followed by a long silence, a distant cough, and the offending party staring deep into the ocean of haunting melancholy that lie within PJ's eyes.
(I am told that while this joke is overlong, it redeems itself with inventiveness and an odd infusion of poetic language)
Scientists have discovered in a recent study that the gene variant that causes Alzheimer's can cause memory impairment earlier than expected, sometimes well before the age of 60. Scientists did find that subjects in the study took the news of their illness fairly well, usually nodding their heads submissively, then puttering across the room before arriving at the refrigerator, only to then pass out halfway through eating applesauce.
(The part about patients taking the news well is actually true, and perhaps should have been the setup itself).
5 Cops are wounded and 2 suspects are dead after a shootout in New Jersey initiated by a crazed shotgun wielding man dressed in priest clothing. A police lieutenant said "It was a scene you see in a war movie." The lieutenant was surely referencing the soon to be released film "Batshit Crazy Catholic Priest Shoots Everyone Inexplicably". Mel Gibson is set to star.
(Got a much bigger laugh just from the title than the Mel Gibson dig when I told this in class. I can never, ever tell this joke to Jacqueline. Ever).
Emerging from bankruptcy, GM is frantically selling off all of its unprofitable assets, including the Hyatt Hills Golf Complex, a golf course built on soil contaminated by the toxic waste and oil released when GM demolished one of their factories on the property. So far attempts to sell have been thwarted by the market being flooded with Japanese golf courses that are not only cheaper, but contaminated with far more poisonous chemicals.
CTA (Chicago Transit Authority, the group that runs Chicago public transportation to all you outsiders) President Richard Rodriguez is proposing to take away free employee cars by years end in order to cut costs. "I'll guess we'll all have to use the CTA ourselves," one CTA employee said (according to my instructor, the joke should have ended somewhere around here), his eyes glassy, his voice faded and distant as he sat back in his car that was quickly filling with noxious fumes from the CTA issue rubber hose he had been seen connecting to his exhaust pipe. When asked to elaborate on his comment, he responded by falling unconscious into his steering wheel, which resulted in no sound as the CTA had already removed the car's horns a year ago in a previously failed attempt to cut costs.
The world's largest cupcake, complete with 15 pounds of fudge filling and 60 pounds of icing, is being donated to a pig farm. This is part of a new campaign of humane treatment of pigs, whereas instead of being slaughtered, they will merely be allowed to die of diabetes.
Paula Abdul's new manager says her client is unhappy with how she's being treated and might not return to American Idol. "She's hurt, she's angry. The way they are treating , it's almost as if absolutely nothing in Paula Abdul's career substantiates her as an expert on singing."
David Beckham's return to Los Angeles to play for the MLS team the LA Galaxy after spending four months playing in Europe was not a happy one, as he was booed, cursed at, and met with angry signs that labeled him as a "fraud" and "evil". Local pundits have firmly stated that Beckham, with his heavily manicured blond hair, dilettante wife, unfailing eye for self-promotion, and duplicitous nature, simply doesn't belong in Los Angeles.
Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted last week that if elected she would not allow her background to factor into how she decides a case, instead she pledged to-
(Pick your own punchline!)
-"just make shit up."
-"let the pure and unbiased forces of utter chaos determine her actions," before screaming "Anarchy!", sticking a dagger between her teeth, and swinging from a suddenly appearing rope through the window. 7 onlookers were injured by shattering glass.
Summer vacation is already ending after only a month for Illinois schools with year-round schedules designed to keep students out of trouble. Said one fifth-grader, "One month barely even feels like an hour when you do as much ecstasy as I do."
Various clergy members and religious leaders traveled to Burr Oak Cemetery to re-consecrate what was once considered holy ground. One Burr Oak employee was heard to comment "Ooohhhh, you sprinkled your fruity holy water everywhere and mumbled gibberish, I'm totally not going to dig up the graves now...ooooo!"
Papa John's founder John Schnatter delivered 15 pizzas to the top floor of the Willis Tower in an attempt to set the Guinness World Record for "Highest Pizza delivery." The event is being commemorated with a new menu item, for $9.99 customers can now order a large pizza topped with pointless bullshit.
(The following joke has six punchlines. I am told that only the last two are even close to amusing, and a few come off as shockingly homophobic)
A brawl broke out at a gay men's beauty pageant when a losing contestant angrily grabbed the trophy and violently struck a judge who voted against him in the head.
-"It's a big step for America," one witness said, "finally an instance of a gay man being savagely beaten that is absolutely hilarious."
-One police officer complained that being forced to drive out in 3350 W Jackson late at night was "totally gay".
-A judge not involved in the fight commented, "In my 25 years of experience, that's the best face shot I've ever seen."
-The suddenly insecure about their masculinity officials of an upcoming heterosexual male beauty pageant claim that their winner this year will be determined by who looks prettiest after a chainsaw fight.
-When asked for comment, the victim replied "Man, that cocksucker sure hits hard."
-Security personnel strangely found the proceedings easier to deal with than the cattiness and emotional aggression associated with female beauty pageants, one commented "Gold-plated trophies fracture jaws, but words break hearts."
The F-22 fighter plane has been removed from production in an effort to cut costs by eliminating titillating but extraneous items from the military budget. Other eliminated items include the bomb the size of Montana, the magic toaster, top-quality body armor for troops, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
The video of a Minnesota couple and their wedding party "boogieing" down the aisle to the tune of Chris Brown's hit "Forever", has been declared a surprise youtube hit, after reaching 2 million views. Horribly filmed video of awkward white people ironically dancing poorly to hip-hop, a hit on youtube, it's the fucking underdog story of the year.
(I'm bitter and hateful)
Cook County correctional officer Abraham Yasin was rewarded $200,000 after suing over being called racial slurs like "camel jockey", "Bin Laden", and "shoe bomber" by fellow officers via his com radio. No word on what effect the revelation that Yasin had his radio turned to Rush Limbaugh's morning show the whole time will have on the case.
This past year ComEd lost 17,000 customers and the company is scratching its collective head as to why. A ComEd representative reported that while the company has received a wealth of exit surveys from departing customers, the fact that they are usually hurtled through ComEd office windows after being wrapped around large rocks and lit on fire makes them difficult to interpret.
(ComEd is a shitty electricity company that I hate)
Here is the commentary monologue:
Outrage over David Beckham has spread across Los Angeles like a celebrity home-consuming wildfire, or racial violence. In a town that finds Kobe Bryant genuinely charming, David Beckham has been labeled as a fraud, and subject to booing and cursing, treatment usually reserved for athletes who are caught trying to dispose of dead hookers in the dumpster behind a Wendy's, or members of the LA Clippers. Beckham is under derision for departing the LA Galaxy, his American MLS team, to play on loan for a European team that was surely vastly superior, on the basis that they play in Europe. If you're not familiar with the idea of playing on loan, it's because its one of those time-honored European customs that doesn't make any fucking sense. In European soccer, when a good team takes an interest in a player from a team that is, well, not bad, but simply handicapped by their owner's crippling inadequacy, rather than negotiate some sort of 'deal' that would ensure that each team is fairly compensated, they simply take the guy for an indefinite period of time. Just like how early European settlers acquired land from the Native Americans, or how Angelina Jolie got her kids. However, LA fans are not familiar with the loan program, and they're certainly not accustomed to European teams taking an interest in their typically god-awful players. When David Beckham signed with LA 2 or 3 or however many the hell years ago, LA assumed they were purchasing the loyalty that only $250 million and the horrifying desperation of a rapidly aging athlete could buy. However, anyone could see that the pairing of Beckham and American soccer was flawed. In a world where good European players play in Europe, good American players play in Europe, mediocre European players play in Eastern Europe, and mediocre American players work at the Home Depot, it comes as no surprise that with this kind of talent disparity that Beckham became disinterested and was accused by fellow player Landon Donovan of being a poor teammate, sleepwalking through games, and not hooking up any of the guys with a blowjob from a Spice Girl. The assumption that an international superstar would be invested in a league that plays in such super media markets as San Jose, CA, Columbus, OH, and has a team called Chivas, which is an homage to another earlier soccer team that also went out of business, is flimsier than Beckham's bleach blond faux-hawk and his wife's twig-like spinal column combined. Beckham didn't betray his fans, he simply latched on to probably the last real opportunity the embarrassingly desperate second half of his career will offer him. Now that Europe has sufficiently reminded itself that he's old, his knees are shot, and that he moves slower than a FEMA plane to New Orleans, Beckham is back. Now let's just leave him alone and go watch a sport we care about.
Character Monologue as a smarmy fucking ComEd rep. God I hate ComEd.
Hello fellow Chicagoans! I say fellow Chicagoans, because here at ComEd, we think of ourselves as part of Chicago. Just like in a family where you have a father that you call abusive, tell him he's a deadbeat, promise to kill him on sight, but deep down you know you need them. That's the kind of family member Chicago has in ComEd. When Chicago needs us, ComEd is usually there. And if we're not there, there's usually a half-decent reason. And if there isn't a half-decent reason, then take comfort in knowing that we'll be there in 2-3 hours in a big surge of power. Ooh, I'm sorry, poor choice of words there, my apologies to Romeoville, Joliet, and the entire West Side. But seriously Chicago, where are you? ComEd lost 17,000 customers last year, which is puzzling, because when we were muscling our way to complete control of the electricity market, this was exactly the type of activity that wasn't supposed to happen. If perhaps you've found a new power supplier, feel free to contact us on our website and tell us about them. Any information at all, whether it's the address of their corporate headquarters, the license plate number of their CEO's car, or where his daughter goes to high school, would be most helpful. In turn, contact them and tell them that a monopoly means no competition, and that ComEd ain't no punks. Finally, if you are discontinuing your ComEd service, please fill out our exit survey about why you're leaving, and MAIL it to our corporate headquarters. Don't put it through our window, don't crumple it around a rock, don't set it on fire, and for the love of God stop doing all three at once. Now if you're discontinuing your ComEd service because you cannot afford our recent rate increase, then disregard this announcement and anything nice we as a company have ever said to you, because you're poor and we hate you for it. That's all for now Chicago, take it easy, kick back and enjoy your summer vacation. And stock up on candles, because we're planning on enjoying our summer vacation too.
Phew. I'm sure there are a lot of typos. I have class tomorrow, so more work will be coming soon.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
OnStar parody idea
GoStar Sketch Idea
An employee of GoStar is walking by a series of other employees on headsets. The voices of the customers can be heard as well. The Host is very happy, infomercial type enthusiasm until the last line.
Host: Here at GoStar, we take pride in helping people.
Voice: Uh, so yeah, I just went to run into the grocery store and-
Employee #1: It's ok sir, it happens to the best of us. Your car should be unlocking itself now.
Host: Why let life's problems slow you down more than they should?
Voice: Yeah, we're right around mile marker 10, the tire just blew out-
Employee #2: Don't worry sir, one of our repair trucks is on its way. You'll be on your way in no time
Host: And if you're in an accident, you can't be sure you can reach your cell phone. GoStar is always there for you.
Voice: Oww, my head, it hurts to move-
Employee #3: Don't worry ma'am, paramedics are the way. I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive. Everything is going to be ok.
Host: We're also there in the worst of times, when perhaps its not going to all be ok.
Voice: Hckgh, blood, taste...blood, smells like burning feathers...going black...hckg
Employee #4 (disturbed): Sir? Sir? Are...are you still there?
Host: Sometimes all the adults, they get knocked unconscious.
Voice (of a hysterical small child): Mommy! Mommy wake up! My leg hurts, mommy. (blood curdling screech) MOMMY!
Employee #5: I...it'll...be fine. Oh God
Host: Sometimes, it's even worse than that.
This sound plays
Employee #6 stands, face aghast, slowly begins sobbing. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a gun, you see this just as the hosts fully walks by and Employee #6 is leaving the frame.
Host: A lot of us kill ourselves.
Gunshot
END
An employee of GoStar is walking by a series of other employees on headsets. The voices of the customers can be heard as well. The Host is very happy, infomercial type enthusiasm until the last line.
Host: Here at GoStar, we take pride in helping people.
Voice: Uh, so yeah, I just went to run into the grocery store and-
Employee #1: It's ok sir, it happens to the best of us. Your car should be unlocking itself now.
Host: Why let life's problems slow you down more than they should?
Voice: Yeah, we're right around mile marker 10, the tire just blew out-
Employee #2: Don't worry sir, one of our repair trucks is on its way. You'll be on your way in no time
Host: And if you're in an accident, you can't be sure you can reach your cell phone. GoStar is always there for you.
Voice: Oww, my head, it hurts to move-
Employee #3: Don't worry ma'am, paramedics are the way. I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive. Everything is going to be ok.
Host: We're also there in the worst of times, when perhaps its not going to all be ok.
Voice: Hckgh, blood, taste...blood, smells like burning feathers...going black...hckg
Employee #4 (disturbed): Sir? Sir? Are...are you still there?
Host: Sometimes all the adults, they get knocked unconscious.
Voice (of a hysterical small child): Mommy! Mommy wake up! My leg hurts, mommy. (blood curdling screech) MOMMY!
Employee #5: I...it'll...be fine. Oh God
Host: Sometimes, it's even worse than that.
This sound plays
Employee #6 stands, face aghast, slowly begins sobbing. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a gun, you see this just as the hosts fully walks by and Employee #6 is leaving the frame.
Host: A lot of us kill ourselves.
Gunshot
END
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