Read My Homework

Much like the United States sabotaged the League of Nations by not participating, so have I relegated the Comedy blog to irrelevant status with my lack of participation. Instead of surging to incredible heights while being buttressed by the wellspring that is my sublime and irrepressible writing talent. This poor blog has been subject to the boorish compositions of Justin Smith, James Spitalere, and the surly black kid. But no more, I have returned.

Ha, oh man, Mike Mikuska impressions aside, I finally signed into this blog. I know I was supposed to be more involved, and I apologize. Sketches escape me because I am broken and cannot hope to stay motivated for long periods of time, but I have been writing lately, because I'm required to! I've been mandated to write two-liners (First line: set up joke with actual information, Second line: Make shit up/punchline) about current events for the past two weeks. Additionally I've been forced to pump out two monologues, one a commentary, and the another is a character monologue.

Here's a seemingly unending wave of two-liners (and jokes of similar ilk that don't conform to two-liner rules, as my instructor was quick to inform me). I've included comments in parenthesis to explain why certain jokes aren't funny.

Rachel Ray underwent vocal chord surgery to remove a benign cyst from her throat. The operating surgeon said he was happy to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to plunge a sharpened metal object into Rachel Ray's neck

University of Illinois officials are outraged that school trustees used their influence to get friends and relatives admission into the University. One U of I official fretted, "If students witness how effective personal connections can be for getting into school, it might actually clue them into how to get jobs after college."
(I'm unemployed, and full of pain)

Despite the fallout from the Burr Oak Cemetery grave digging scandal, many families that have funerals already scheduled are claiming that they would still like to go through with their plans. Burr Oak officials have responded with "No worries, we'll have some free space in no time."

Change is seeping in slowly to Saudi Arabian gender relations, as many young women are struggling to gain the privilege to drive. While there are signs of the repressive Saudi government budging on their restrictions against women driving, don't expect any change in their laws against women leaving the home, women going to other people's homes, or women going to public places anytime soon.
(I was told this punchline wasn't snappy enough, perhaps it could be substituted with "however, laws against women parking are as stringent as ever." or something similar)

Six years after the porch collapse that killed 13 Lincoln Park residents, city officials are scaling back inspections of aging wooden porches, and calling upon residents to inspect porches themselves. Officials said residents should keep an eye out for such warning signs as split or rotting wood, evidence of water damage, and dead yuppies strewn all over the ground.
(Lincoln Park is full of yuppies. Perhaps a the most appropriate critique of this joke came from my sister, who said "It seems like you're trying to make well-to-do white people dying tragically into something to laugh at. That's dark James, really fucking dark.")

Lab workers at a Northwestern neurological research center are inspired by their co-worker PJ Lukac, who suffers from the same form of rare brain cancer that they spend every day searching for the cure of. However morale at the lab is low for a variety of reasons, whether it's the long hours, the tedious nature of lab work, or that every time a bored researcher suggests "Hey, screw this pointless lab work, let's skip out and get some beers!" his suggestion is followed by a long silence, a distant cough, and the offending party staring deep into the ocean of haunting melancholy that lie within PJ's eyes.
(I am told that while this joke is overlong, it redeems itself with inventiveness and an odd infusion of poetic language)

Scientists have discovered in a recent study that the gene variant that causes Alzheimer's can cause memory impairment earlier than expected, sometimes well before the age of 60. Scientists did find that subjects in the study took the news of their illness fairly well, usually nodding their heads submissively, then puttering across the room before arriving at the refrigerator, only to then pass out halfway through eating applesauce.
(The part about patients taking the news well is actually true, and perhaps should have been the setup itself).

5 Cops are wounded and 2 suspects are dead after a shootout in New Jersey initiated by a crazed shotgun wielding man dressed in priest clothing. A police lieutenant said "It was a scene you see in a war movie." The lieutenant was surely referencing the soon to be released film "Batshit Crazy Catholic Priest Shoots Everyone Inexplicably". Mel Gibson is set to star.
(Got a much bigger laugh just from the title than the Mel Gibson dig when I told this in class. I can never, ever tell this joke to Jacqueline. Ever).

Emerging from bankruptcy, GM is frantically selling off all of its unprofitable assets, including the Hyatt Hills Golf Complex, a golf course built on soil contaminated by the toxic waste and oil released when GM demolished one of their factories on the property. So far attempts to sell have been thwarted by the market being flooded with Japanese golf courses that are not only cheaper, but contaminated with far more poisonous chemicals.

CTA (Chicago Transit Authority, the group that runs Chicago public transportation to all you outsiders) President Richard Rodriguez is proposing to take away free employee cars by years end in order to cut costs. "I'll guess we'll all have to use the CTA ourselves," one CTA employee said (according to my instructor, the joke should have ended somewhere around here), his eyes glassy, his voice faded and distant as he sat back in his car that was quickly filling with noxious fumes from the CTA issue rubber hose he had been seen connecting to his exhaust pipe. When asked to elaborate on his comment, he responded by falling unconscious into his steering wheel, which resulted in no sound as the CTA had already removed the car's horns a year ago in a previously failed attempt to cut costs.

The world's largest cupcake, complete with 15 pounds of fudge filling and 60 pounds of icing, is being donated to a pig farm. This is part of a new campaign of humane treatment of pigs, whereas instead of being slaughtered, they will merely be allowed to die of diabetes.

Paula Abdul's new manager says her client is unhappy with how she's being treated and might not return to American Idol. "She's hurt, she's angry. The way they are treating , it's almost as if absolutely nothing in Paula Abdul's career substantiates her as an expert on singing."

David Beckham's return to Los Angeles to play for the MLS team the LA Galaxy after spending four months playing in Europe was not a happy one, as he was booed, cursed at, and met with angry signs that labeled him as a "fraud" and "evil". Local pundits have firmly stated that Beckham, with his heavily manicured blond hair, dilettante wife, unfailing eye for self-promotion, and duplicitous nature, simply doesn't belong in Los Angeles.

Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted last week that if elected she would not allow her background to factor into how she decides a case, instead she pledged to-
(Pick your own punchline!)
-"just make shit up."
-"let the pure and unbiased forces of utter chaos determine her actions," before screaming "Anarchy!", sticking a dagger between her teeth, and swinging from a suddenly appearing rope through the window. 7 onlookers were injured by shattering glass.

Summer vacation is already ending after only a month for Illinois schools with year-round schedules designed to keep students out of trouble. Said one fifth-grader, "One month barely even feels like an hour when you do as much ecstasy as I do."

Various clergy members and religious leaders traveled to Burr Oak Cemetery to re-consecrate what was once considered holy ground. One Burr Oak employee was heard to comment "Ooohhhh, you sprinkled your fruity holy water everywhere and mumbled gibberish, I'm totally not going to dig up the graves now...ooooo!"

Papa John's founder John Schnatter delivered 15 pizzas to the top floor of the Willis Tower in an attempt to set the Guinness World Record for "Highest Pizza delivery." The event is being commemorated with a new menu item, for $9.99 customers can now order a large pizza topped with pointless bullshit.

(The following joke has six punchlines. I am told that only the last two are even close to amusing, and a few come off as shockingly homophobic)
A brawl broke out at a gay men's beauty pageant when a losing contestant angrily grabbed the trophy and violently struck a judge who voted against him in the head.
-"It's a big step for America," one witness said, "finally an instance of a gay man being savagely beaten that is absolutely hilarious."
-One police officer complained that being forced to drive out in 3350 W Jackson late at night was "totally gay".
-A judge not involved in the fight commented, "In my 25 years of experience, that's the best face shot I've ever seen."
-The suddenly insecure about their masculinity officials of an upcoming heterosexual male beauty pageant claim that their winner this year will be determined by who looks prettiest after a chainsaw fight.
-When asked for comment, the victim replied "Man, that cocksucker sure hits hard."
-Security personnel strangely found the proceedings easier to deal with than the cattiness and emotional aggression associated with female beauty pageants, one commented "Gold-plated trophies fracture jaws, but words break hearts."

The F-22 fighter plane has been removed from production in an effort to cut costs by eliminating titillating but extraneous items from the military budget. Other eliminated items include the bomb the size of Montana, the magic toaster, top-quality body armor for troops, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The video of a Minnesota couple and their wedding party "boogieing" down the aisle to the tune of Chris Brown's hit "Forever", has been declared a surprise youtube hit, after reaching 2 million views. Horribly filmed video of awkward white people ironically dancing poorly to hip-hop, a hit on youtube, it's the fucking underdog story of the year.
(I'm bitter and hateful)

Cook County correctional officer Abraham Yasin was rewarded $200,000 after suing over being called racial slurs like "camel jockey", "Bin Laden", and "shoe bomber" by fellow officers via his com radio. No word on what effect the revelation that Yasin had his radio turned to Rush Limbaugh's morning show the whole time will have on the case.

This past year ComEd lost 17,000 customers and the company is scratching its collective head as to why. A ComEd representative reported that while the company has received a wealth of exit surveys from departing customers, the fact that they are usually hurtled through ComEd office windows after being wrapped around large rocks and lit on fire makes them difficult to interpret.
(ComEd is a shitty electricity company that I hate)


Here is the commentary monologue:

Outrage over David Beckham has spread across Los Angeles like a celebrity home-consuming wildfire, or racial violence. In a town that finds Kobe Bryant genuinely charming, David Beckham has been labeled as a fraud, and subject to booing and cursing, treatment usually reserved for athletes who are caught trying to dispose of dead hookers in the dumpster behind a Wendy's, or members of the LA Clippers. Beckham is under derision for departing the LA Galaxy, his American MLS team, to play on loan for a European team that was surely vastly superior, on the basis that they play in Europe. If you're not familiar with the idea of playing on loan, it's because its one of those time-honored European customs that doesn't make any fucking sense. In European soccer, when a good team takes an interest in a player from a team that is, well, not bad, but simply handicapped by their owner's crippling inadequacy, rather than negotiate some sort of 'deal' that would ensure that each team is fairly compensated, they simply take the guy for an indefinite period of time. Just like how early European settlers acquired land from the Native Americans, or how Angelina Jolie got her kids. However, LA fans are not familiar with the loan program, and they're certainly not accustomed to European teams taking an interest in their typically god-awful players. When David Beckham signed with LA 2 or 3 or however many the hell years ago, LA assumed they were purchasing the loyalty that only $250 million and the horrifying desperation of a rapidly aging athlete could buy. However, anyone could see that the pairing of Beckham and American soccer was flawed. In a world where good European players play in Europe, good American players play in Europe, mediocre European players play in Eastern Europe, and mediocre American players work at the Home Depot, it comes as no surprise that with this kind of talent disparity that Beckham became disinterested and was accused by fellow player Landon Donovan of being a poor teammate, sleepwalking through games, and not hooking up any of the guys with a blowjob from a Spice Girl. The assumption that an international superstar would be invested in a league that plays in such super media markets as San Jose, CA, Columbus, OH, and has a team called Chivas, which is an homage to another earlier soccer team that also went out of business, is flimsier than Beckham's bleach blond faux-hawk and his wife's twig-like spinal column combined. Beckham didn't betray his fans, he simply latched on to probably the last real opportunity the embarrassingly desperate second half of his career will offer him. Now that Europe has sufficiently reminded itself that he's old, his knees are shot, and that he moves slower than a FEMA plane to New Orleans, Beckham is back. Now let's just leave him alone and go watch a sport we care about.


Character Monologue as a smarmy fucking ComEd rep. God I hate ComEd.

Hello fellow Chicagoans! I say fellow Chicagoans, because here at ComEd, we think of ourselves as part of Chicago. Just like in a family where you have a father that you call abusive, tell him he's a deadbeat, promise to kill him on sight, but deep down you know you need them. That's the kind of family member Chicago has in ComEd. When Chicago needs us, ComEd is usually there. And if we're not there, there's usually a half-decent reason. And if there isn't a half-decent reason, then take comfort in knowing that we'll be there in 2-3 hours in a big surge of power. Ooh, I'm sorry, poor choice of words there, my apologies to Romeoville, Joliet, and the entire West Side. But seriously Chicago, where are you? ComEd lost 17,000 customers last year, which is puzzling, because when we were muscling our way to complete control of the electricity market, this was exactly the type of activity that wasn't supposed to happen. If perhaps you've found a new power supplier, feel free to contact us on our website and tell us about them. Any information at all, whether it's the address of their corporate headquarters, the license plate number of their CEO's car, or where his daughter goes to high school, would be most helpful. In turn, contact them and tell them that a monopoly means no competition, and that ComEd ain't no punks. Finally, if you are discontinuing your ComEd service, please fill out our exit survey about why you're leaving, and MAIL it to our corporate headquarters. Don't put it through our window, don't crumple it around a rock, don't set it on fire, and for the love of God stop doing all three at once. Now if you're discontinuing your ComEd service because you cannot afford our recent rate increase, then disregard this announcement and anything nice we as a company have ever said to you, because you're poor and we hate you for it. That's all for now Chicago, take it easy, kick back and enjoy your summer vacation. And stock up on candles, because we're planning on enjoying our summer vacation too.



Phew. I'm sure there are a lot of typos. I have class tomorrow, so more work will be coming soon.