Cold Opening Sketch

[MAN WORKING FURIOUSLY THROUGH FILES ON HIS DESK, APPROACHED BY BOSS CARRYING AN ENORMOUS, STAINED NET SACK]

BOSS: Here you are, your week’s commissions. As you

requested, paid in crabs

[SALESMAN PEERS INTO SACK]

SALESMAN: You’re two crabs short

[BOSS STUTTERS ANGRILY]

BOSS: You barely peered into there!

SALESMAN: And I saw that you were two short

BOSS: 25 pounds of crab off the banks of Lake Erie.

Killed them all with a mallet I bought at Costco,

screw you and your ‘two short’!

SALESMAN: I sell my insurance policies like everyone else at

this agency. Three weeks ago I started, after 11

years with the firm, to request to be paid in crabs, at

which time you registered no complaint

BOSS: As my heavily tattooed teenage daughter can tell

you, my stunned silence does not equate agreement

SALESMAN: Yet with the exception of the first week where I had

to explain to you the difference between a crab and a

very large spider, you have paid me promptly and

with proper attention for changing market value.

Are you now saying there’s a problem?

BOSS: Yes there’s a problem!

[BOSS’ VOICE REACHES AN ANGERED SCREECH]

BOSS: I’m covered in pincer scars! My wife thinks I’m out

having kinky sex all day. And if I’m going to have

to deal with the wife yelling at me all day about

kinky sex, I’d like to be having me some kinky sex.

But I’m not. You know what I’m doing instead?

SALESMAN: I have an idea…

BOSS: I’m out foraging for crabs! On hands and knees,

reaching into crabholes!

SALESMAN: Well, I’m out there every week bilking people out

of their hard-earned money for kooky policies that

they’ll never collect on. No one’s really ever going

to need lawnmower insurance

BOSS: That’s your job! You signed up for this!

SALESMAN: Oh no! This isn’t what it was like when I first came

on. You got me out there selling policies that only

pay out if you drown in your own shower, if you

drown in the bathtub, you’re out of luck!

BOSS: Boo-hoo, I’ve lost fingernails!

SALESMAN: Who drowns in a shower? Who?! Terry Schiavo

couldn’t drown in a shower…and she probably tried!

My quadriplegic grandmother couldn’t drown in a

shower, and believe me, I’ve tried!

BOSS: The other people who fish crabs, crabfishers?

crabdiggers? crabbers?

SALESMAN: Crabgrabbers

BOSS: Crabgrabbers, right. Those crabgrabbers aren’t

happy with me out there stealing their crop. They

slashed my tires, kidnapped a dog—not my dog, but

still--, and they threw crab bait on my daughter at her

volleyball practice. Do you know what they use as

crab bait?

SALESMAN: No

BOSS: Neither do I, but it’s impossible to wash out of hair!

SALESMAN: So why do it? Why pay me in crabs if it’s quickly

ruining your life? I’ll tell you why, because I’m the

best damn salesmen you’ve got. I’m singlehandedly

keeping this office afloat. And ever since I’ve started

getting payment in crabs, you’ve been making even

more money, and that’s the reason you’ll keep doing

it. Because I’m just too damn good.

BOSS: How? How do you do it? How do you sell such

mindless and pointless policies? What’s your

secret?

SALESMAN: Old people. I sell to poor, uneducated, barely

cognizant old people.

BOSS: So simple, yet, so brilliant. But why crabs? Why so

many friggin crabs?

SALESMAN: That…is a secret I will take with me to my grave

[LAWYER ENTERS]

LAWYER: Richard Templeton!

SALESMAN: Ah, Christ

LAWYER: I see that you remember me, I represent the firm of

Portsmouth, Portsmouth & Schamus, Attorneys at

Law. I represent a Ms. Shamu, who reports that

you're behind on your alimony payments

SALESMAN: This is all a misunderstanding, as you can see the

payment is prepared in full right there

[SALESMAN POINTS TO SACK, AND LAWYER GOES TO GATHER IT]

LAWYER: Looks one or two short here

SALESMAN: The weight is right

LAWYER: Better not be any spiders this time

SALESMAN: Like she can tell anyway

LAWYER: We’ll talk

[LAWYER LEAVES]

[PAUSE]

BOSS: Divorces are tough

SALESMAN: Yeah, about the only thing that cheers me up, is

selling insurance to old people. I knock on their

door, introduce myself and say ‘Live from New

York, It’s Saturday Night!’