Monday, October 5, 2009

Big, Fuck-Off Blog Post

Here is a rather large collection of various material developed over the past week. Most of it is Weekend Update-style news pieces, and thus have SNL casting. Some of these pieces are in formats that they only used in the early 80's when my instructor wrote for SNL. There are also some two-liners, and a fake commercial.

Guest Editorial

[WEEKEND UPDATE DESK WITH SETH MEYERS, SEGUEING TO A GUEST EDITORIAL]

SETH: This past week a stir was caused in the House of

Representatives when Democratic Congressman Alan

Grayson of Florida claimed that the Republican health plan

is “Don’t get sick, and if you do get sick, die quickly.”

Here now to respond to that statement is Republican House

Minority Leader John Boehner

[JASON SUDEIKIS AS JOHN BOEHNER APPEARS AT THE NEWS DESK]

JASON: Thank you Seth, for allowing me to come here and respond

to this slight mis-characterization

SETH: Slight? You sounded enraged over the phone

JASON: Oh, I was watching the new Melrose Place. It’s just not as

good as the original. Sure there’s sex, but where’s the

aggression?

SETH: So when Congressman Grayson said that Republicans

recommend that sick people die quickly, he wasn’t wrong?

JASON: Well, he was wrong Seth

SETH: Good

JASON: But not for the reasons you might think

SETH: Oh, no

JASON: We in the Republican Party are of course not opposed to

sick people getting better. That’s completely ridiculous

[JASON LAUGHS HEARTILY AND GOADS SETH INTO AWKWARDLY LAUGHING WITH HIM]

JASON: America is a country with a proud history of self-reliance.

The plan that I developed along with my Republican

Colleagues in the House of Representatives seeks to

continue that proud tradition, especially when it come to healthcare. We know that the health care problem of this country, and even the healthcare problem of individuals cannot be solved with more government, or hospital hours, or even more medicine necessarily. Did you know that medicine was more likely to do harm than good until like 1953…or maybe it was the 19th century, who knows? We all know statistics are tricky

SETH: What was that last part about medicine?

JASON: Getting back to my point about self-reliance. Both

Democrats and Republicans have spoken about the need for

preventative healthcare, and I would like to re-emphasize

that.

SETH: Alright, well what can people do to keep themselves

healthy?

JASON: I’m glad you asked that Seth. For example, the number

one cause of death in this country is heart disease

SETH: So you’re calling for changes in diet? Counting calories,

eating vegetables, avoiding fast-food

JASON: No Seth, what people really need to do is stop getting heart

disease

SETH: What?

JASON: It is imperative that people stop getting heart disease. It’s

a real killer

SETH: Respectfully Congressman, I feel that you’re failing to

really grasp the meaning of ‘preventative’

JASON: Alright, let me give you another example. Mississippi has

the worst death rate of all the states in the union. To

prevent their own deaths, I would recommend that the

citizens of Mississippi…move.

SETH: Move? Like…flee?

JASON: A mass exodus if you will, from that hopelessly doom-

ridden state. But not to neighboring Alabama; they’re

second worst.

SETH: I think that would raise a new set of problems, and it is

rather unreasonable to expect the entire population of a

state to relocate

JASON: Perhaps, but here’s something people can do, without

leaving their home. The national life-expectancy is 77.6

years, while the life expectancy for African-American

males is only 69.8 years.

SETH: A disturbing inequity

JASON: Yes, from these statistics we can only draw one logical

conclusion. It is no longer a good idea to be black.

SETH: What?

JASON: That’s right. Perhaps in previous decades it was beneficial

to be African-American, but those blissful days are over,

and at this point I would recommend that all citizens cease

being black as soon as possible.

SETH: What? How is that even possible?

JASON: If you’d prefer, the life expectancy for women is six years

higher than that of men, showing that men would be well served, and I have taken steps toward this personally, to

become women.

SETH: Are you saying that you’re undergoing a sex change?

JASON: Excuse me one moment Seth, I appear to have a phone call

[JASON ANSWERS CALL, LISTENS TO DESPERATE CRYING VOICE ON OTHER LINE]

JASON: I’m sorry, I appear to have exceeded my time, and my

desperately distraught Chief of Staff is pleading with me to

wrap things up. So I will depart, remember America,

‘Don’t get sick, and if you do get sick, reduce your costs by

dying immediately.’

SETH: Congressman John Boehner everyone.

Out of Studio Filmed Report w/Studio Interaction

[SETH MEYERS AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DESK WITH A GRAPHIC OF A DISAPPOINTED CHICAGO OLYMPIC SUPPORTERS WITH THE CAPTION OF ‘NOLYMPICS’]

SETH: Yes…this was the best caption an entire team of writers

came up with. This past Friday, Chicagoans learned that

not only would their city not win the 2016 Olympic bid,

but that it was the first eliminated of the four finalist cities.

Reporting live from Chicago on the devastation is SNL

Correspondent, Bill Hader.

[BILL HADER APPEARS ON A SPLIT SCREEN WITH SETH, STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ABANDONED DALEY PLAZA COVERED IN DISCARDED CHICAGO OLYMPICS SIGNS]

SETH: Bill, Mayor Daley is known for having quite the fiery

temper, was it on display in the wake of a disappointing

and frankly, embarrassing result?

BILL: Actually, Seth, exactly the opposite. He seemed incredibly

despondent, resigned, even morose.

SETH: Really?

BILL: Really, Seth. After a few minutes of somber rambling on

the Olympic defeat, he made a very ominous declaration,

stating that Chicago “not working out”, and had “run its

course”.

SETH: Goodness, what does that mean?

BILL: I don’t know, he just said that he was “closing up shop”,

and that the “show’s over” before packing up a collection

of items into a large burlap bag, including the podium, which revealed itself to be easily collapsible. In the course

of just three hours, elements of Chicago thought to be immovable, were packed up and headed down the I-94 in a

series of circus tents linked in a caravan.

SETH: How could he have pulled something like that off?

BILL: City employees and buildings were gathered with a degree

of efficiency largely absent in any city-run activity in the

previous 150 years. The lionshare of the Chicago Police

Department, including the entire narcotics division, was

seen cart wheeling into the back of a single Mayflower

truck. Renowned pieces of architecture such as the Art

Institute, Soldier Field, and even the Sears Tower revealed

themselves to be no more than Polish immigrants wearing

elaborate costumes, stacked on top of each other. Ironically,

this represents a far more dignified vocation than these

people could have hoped to secure in their home country.

Also seen being hastily disassembled were what appeared to

be a tiger cage in the backyard of Mayor Daley’s private

residence, a trapeze set at Operation Push headquarters that

was allegedly used regularly by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and

a up till today never seen and apparently rarely frequented

kissing booth featuring Illinois Attorney General Lisa

Madigan

SETH: My word! What’s left?

BILL: From where I stand at what used to be downtown, what

remains is the Adler Planetarium, the John Hancock tower

that fell over after Daley snatched The Cheesecake Factory

location out from under it, and from my estimate, 800,000

confused Mexicans. As per usual, the white yuppie elite

seems to have been tipped off ahead of time, and have fled.

Mostly to Wisconsin.

SETH: What about the city’s sizeable African-American

community?

BILL: What?

SETH: African-Americans, residing primarily in the southern and

western portions of the city.

BILL: Oh. Right. Them. Long since segregated from most of the

city and for an even longer period of time left for dead in

terms of city programs and distribution of resources, I

would expect little to no changes in their lifestyle. Perhaps,

they’ll seek a merger with Detroit.

SETH: But where is Daley going? Where is he headed with what

used to be Chicago?

BILL: As his caravan of despair pulled away, Daley muttered that

he was ‘disillusioned with the cruelty and sadness of this

life’. He went on to say that he was going to “A place

where we can live free of harsh worldly truths, and live

lives in an insulated meadow, a knowingly-farcical altar to

our own most juvenile notions of purity and self-worth.”

From that statement, I can only conclude that he is referring

to Utah.

SETH: It certainly sounds like Utah, Bill. Hmm… Chicago, Utah.

It doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.

BILL: Well, I would imagine that they would change the name,

but yes, the clunkiness of the native American word ‘Utah’

serves as a lasting reminder of their undying hatred of us

for slaughtering and subjugating their people

SETH: My final question for you Bill, is how are you getting home,

as I assume that the public transportation system has

crumbled

BILL: What? Is no one coming to get me?

SETH: Bill Hader, ladies and gentleman!

Out of Studio Filmed Report

[SETH MEYERS AT THE DESK]

SETH: SNL’s own Andy Samberg was the recipient of a free

private cruise from Winston Travels Yachts, as a show of

gratitude for the promotion he gave them from his ‘I’m On

A Boat’ video. Let’s join Andy live on his Caribbean

cruise

[CUT TO ANDY, BLOODIED AND SUNBURNT, HOLDING ONTO A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD AMONGST WRECKAGE]

ANDY: Greetings from paradise! Andy Samberg reporting live

from the Gulf of Mexico! I’m having a ball out here in this

balmy weather!

[A HAGGARD LOOKING SURVIVOR APPEARS BEHIND ANDY, LOOKING FOR SAFETY]

ANDY: As you can see, we’re still partying out here

[A SHARK APPEARS SUDDENLY AND DRAGS OFF SURVIVOR SCREAMING]

ANDY: In the past few hours, things have died down a bit, many

Passengers have kind of ‘drifted off’ so to speak.

Festivities have been tempered somewhat over the course

of the cruise by it being a cash bar, but alcohol has become

first-come, first-serve ever since the ship hit that enormous,

enormous rock seven hours ago. Between you and me, I

absconded with five bottles of Bicardi between when that

rock shattered the starboard bow like it was Joe Theisman’s

leg and the point where myself and my 250 guests were

dumped into shark infested waters. Yet I tell ya, for those

still alive like myself, this cruise has just kept on being very

entertaining. The food…

[TRAY OF OEURDERVES FLOATS BY, ANDY PICKS AN ITEM OFF AND EATS IT]

ANDY: Awesome. The weather…

[ANDY’S TOLIETRIES FLOAT PAST, ANDY PICKS OUT HIS SUNBLOCK AND APPLIES OVER HIS CHARRED SKIN]

ANDY: Awesome. The atmosphere…

[DEAD BODY FLOATS PAST. ANDY IS NOTICEABLY HORRIFIED]

ANDY: Er…ugh…um…

[MARIACHI BANDS FLOATS IN FRONT OF ANDY]

ANDY: Hey! It’s the band! ¡Hola Ramón!

RAMÓN: Hola, Señor Andy, ¿Como estás?

ANDY: ¡Bien, Ramón! Say, where’s my favorite maracas player,

Consuelo?

[RAMÓN SPEAKS SOMBERLY]

RAMÓN: Está muerte

[SILENT PAUSE OF MOURNING]

ANDY: Hey guys! How about playing my favorite song?

RAMÓN: (TO BAND) Uno, dos, tres…

[BAND COMMENCES PLAYING MARIACHI VERSION OF THE THEME SONG OF THREE’S COMPANY]

ANDY: Reporting live from at this point about a mile away from

the original crash site, Andy Samberg! Back to you, Seth.

Two-Liners

A new report states that Iran has the data necessary to make a nuclear bomb. Despite being presented with an overwhelming amount of evidence of the data by his own staff, President Ahmandinejad still vehemently denies its existence.

Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’, is the #1 best-selling book in the nation even though buyers will not be able to read it until it is released November 17th. Sarah Palin herself will not be able to read it, until she learns to read.

The Obamas kept it simple for their 17th anniversary with an elegant night out on the town. This, along with their date night in New York City in May, makes it two dates in 6 months for Barack and Michelle as they march placidly towards the end of the loveless abyss most commonly known as ‘The Second Decade of Marriage’.

Autism, the disease that hinders communication and socializing, and results in rigid, repetitive behavior, has risen in the number of incidences in the past two years. Coincidentally, so have movies starring Michael Cera.

Two-Liner with Graphic

TV critics are wondering if Dave Letterman’s sex scandal will hurt his ratings with women. They worry whether women will want to think about David Letterman (semi-compromising photo of Dave Letterman) having sex with members of his staff (picture of Biff Henderson)

Commercial Parody

[SCENE WITH TWO GUYS IN THEIR APARTMENT, ONE ENTERING THE ROOM FROM THE BATHROOM, THE OTHER ON THE COUCH. VOICEOVER NARRATION]

NARRATOR: No health insurance? But you have a nagging problem that

requires medical attention

[GUY#1 EXITING FROM BATHROOM IS IN OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT]

GUY#1: How much of it does there have to be before it officially

constitutes a ‘discharge’?

[CUT TO NARRATOR SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO CAMERA]

NARRATOR: If you don’t have health insurance, you probably won’t be

able to see a doctor until it’s too late, and even then it’ll

only be so they can demonstrate your bloated, bacteria-

ridden carcass to their med students who’ve never seen

someone be eaten by their own skin. However, there are

people who can help, the people here at Autoschediastic

Medicine. At Autoschediastic Medicine, we’re willing to

accept patients without insurance, asking only in turn that

you accept a medical staff with a little less…polish

[OPEN ON A SCENE IN A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH VOICEOVER NARRATION. GUY#1 ENTERING OFFICE WITH DOCTOR. EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A DOCTOR’S OFFICE, BUT CRAPPIER. EXAM TABLE IS A PICNIC TABLE, STETHOSCOPE IS INSTEAD A SURGE PROTECTOR AROUND DOCTOR’S NECK, WHITE COAT IS A WHITE CAPE THAT IS MOST LIKELY A TABLE CLOTH, X-RAY PROJECTOR DISPLAY HAS AN X-RAY THAT IS JUST AN OUTLINE OF THE PHRASE ‘THE BAR IS OPEN’]

NARRATOR: Autoschediastic Medicine is working in the trenches of the health industry and has a

‘no frills’ approach to medicine

DOCTOR: Hello, I’m Captain Buford. Step into my garden

GUY#1: Uh…ok

DOCTOR: When did your aura become this shade of brown?

GUY#1: Well, I got sick when I ate a sandwich at Bar Louie

DOCTOR: But I get sandwiches there all the time

GUY#1: It was floating in the toilet

DOCTOR: Aaaaahhhh…

NARRATOR: We offer reasonable prices, and have a reasonable amount

of skills

DOCTOR: $3.99 for me to squeeze you until you pass out

GUY#1: Uh…if you think it’ll help

NARRATOR: Autoschediastic Medicine; you don’t need real insurance

because we’re not real doctors

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