Guest Editorial
[WEEKEND UPDATE DESK WITH SETH MEYERS, SEGUEING TO A GUEST EDITORIAL]
SETH: This past week a stir was caused in the House of
Representatives when Democratic Congressman Alan
Grayson of Florida claimed that the Republican health plan
is “Don’t get sick, and if you do get sick, die quickly.”
Here now to respond to that statement is Republican House
Minority Leader John Boehner
[JASON SUDEIKIS AS JOHN BOEHNER APPEARS AT THE NEWS DESK]
JASON: Thank you Seth, for allowing me to come here and respond
to this slight mis-characterization
SETH: Slight? You sounded enraged over the phone
JASON: Oh, I was watching the new Melrose Place. It’s just not as
good as the original. Sure there’s sex, but where’s the
aggression?
SETH: So when Congressman Grayson said that Republicans
recommend that sick people die quickly, he wasn’t wrong?
JASON: Well, he was wrong Seth
SETH: Good
JASON: But not for the reasons you might think
SETH: Oh, no
JASON: We in the Republican Party are of course not opposed to
sick people getting better. That’s completely ridiculous
[JASON LAUGHS HEARTILY AND GOADS SETH INTO AWKWARDLY LAUGHING WITH HIM]
JASON: America is a country with a proud history of self-reliance.
The plan that I developed along with my Republican
Colleagues in the House of Representatives seeks to
continue that proud tradition, especially when it come to healthcare. We know that the health care problem of this country, and even the healthcare problem of individuals cannot be solved with more government, or hospital hours, or even more medicine necessarily. Did you know that medicine was more likely to do harm than good until like 1953…or maybe it was the 19th century, who knows? We all know statistics are tricky
SETH: What was that last part about medicine?
JASON: Getting back to my point about self-reliance. Both
Democrats and Republicans have spoken about the need for
preventative healthcare, and I would like to re-emphasize
that.
SETH: Alright, well what can people do to keep themselves
healthy?
JASON: I’m glad you asked that Seth. For example, the number
one cause of death in this country is heart disease
SETH: So you’re calling for changes in diet? Counting calories,
eating vegetables, avoiding fast-food
JASON: No Seth, what people really need to do is stop getting heart
disease
SETH: What?
JASON: It is imperative that people stop getting heart disease. It’s
a real killer
SETH: Respectfully Congressman, I feel that you’re failing to
really grasp the meaning of ‘preventative’
JASON: Alright, let me give you another example. Mississippi has
the worst death rate of all the states in the union. To
prevent their own deaths, I would recommend that the
citizens of Mississippi…move.
SETH: Move? Like…flee?
JASON: A mass exodus if you will, from that hopelessly doom-
ridden state. But not to neighboring Alabama; they’re
second worst.
SETH: I think that would raise a new set of problems, and it is
rather unreasonable to expect the entire population of a
state to relocate
JASON: Perhaps, but here’s something people can do, without
leaving their home. The national life-expectancy is 77.6
years, while the life expectancy for African-American
males is only 69.8 years.
SETH: A disturbing inequity
JASON: Yes, from these statistics we can only draw one logical
conclusion. It is no longer a good idea to be black.
SETH: What?
JASON: That’s right. Perhaps in previous decades it was beneficial
to be African-American, but those blissful days are over,
and at this point I would recommend that all citizens cease
being black as soon as possible.
SETH: What? How is that even possible?
JASON: If you’d prefer, the life expectancy for women is six years
higher than that of men, showing that men would be well served, and I have taken steps toward this personally, to
become women.
SETH: Are you saying that you’re undergoing a sex change?
JASON: Excuse me one moment Seth, I appear to have a phone call
[JASON ANSWERS CALL, LISTENS TO DESPERATE CRYING VOICE ON OTHER LINE]
JASON: I’m sorry, I appear to have exceeded my time, and my
desperately distraught Chief of Staff is pleading with me to
wrap things up. So I will depart, remember America,
‘Don’t get sick, and if you do get sick, reduce your costs by
dying immediately.’
SETH: Congressman John Boehner everyone.
Out of Studio Filmed Report w/Studio Interaction
[SETH MEYERS AT THE WEEKEND UPDATE DESK WITH A GRAPHIC OF A DISAPPOINTED CHICAGO OLYMPIC SUPPORTERS WITH THE CAPTION OF ‘NOLYMPICS’]
SETH: Yes…this was the best caption an entire team of writers
came up with. This past Friday, Chicagoans learned that
not only would their city not win the 2016 Olympic bid,
but that it was the first eliminated of the four finalist cities.
Reporting live from Chicago on the devastation is SNL
Correspondent, Bill Hader.
[BILL HADER APPEARS ON A SPLIT SCREEN WITH SETH, STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ABANDONED DALEY PLAZA COVERED IN DISCARDED CHICAGO OLYMPICS SIGNS]
SETH: Bill, Mayor Daley is known for having quite the fiery
temper, was it on display in the wake of a disappointing
and frankly, embarrassing result?
BILL: Actually, Seth, exactly the opposite. He seemed incredibly
despondent, resigned, even morose.
SETH: Really?
BILL: Really, Seth. After a few minutes of somber rambling on
the Olympic defeat, he made a very ominous declaration,
stating that Chicago “not working out”, and had “run its
course”.
SETH: Goodness, what does that mean?
BILL: I don’t know, he just said that he was “closing up shop”,
and that the “show’s over” before packing up a collection
of items into a large burlap bag, including the podium, which revealed itself to be easily collapsible. In the course
of just three hours, elements of Chicago thought to be immovable, were packed up and headed down the I-94 in a
series of circus tents linked in a caravan.
SETH: How could he have pulled something like that off?
BILL: City employees and buildings were gathered with a degree
of efficiency largely absent in any city-run activity in the
previous 150 years. The lionshare of the Chicago Police
Department, including the entire narcotics division, was
seen cart wheeling into the back of a single Mayflower
truck. Renowned pieces of architecture such as the Art
Institute, Soldier Field, and even the Sears Tower revealed
themselves to be no more than Polish immigrants wearing
elaborate costumes, stacked on top of each other. Ironically,
this represents a far more dignified vocation than these
people could have hoped to secure in their home country.
Also seen being hastily disassembled were what appeared to
be a tiger cage in the backyard of Mayor Daley’s private
residence, a trapeze set at Operation Push headquarters that
was allegedly used regularly by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and
a up till today never seen and apparently rarely frequented
kissing booth featuring Illinois Attorney General Lisa
Madigan
SETH: My word! What’s left?
BILL: From where I stand at what used to be downtown, what
remains is the Adler Planetarium, the John Hancock tower
that fell over after Daley snatched The Cheesecake Factory
location out from under it, and from my estimate, 800,000
confused Mexicans. As per usual, the white yuppie elite
seems to have been tipped off ahead of time, and have fled.
Mostly to Wisconsin.
SETH: What about the city’s sizeable African-American
community?
BILL: What?
SETH: African-Americans, residing primarily in the southern and
western portions of the city.
BILL: Oh. Right. Them. Long since segregated from most of the
city and for an even longer period of time left for dead in
terms of city programs and distribution of resources, I
would expect little to no changes in their lifestyle. Perhaps,
they’ll seek a merger with Detroit.
SETH: But where is Daley going? Where is he headed with what
used to be Chicago?
BILL: As his caravan of despair pulled away, Daley muttered that
he was ‘disillusioned with the cruelty and sadness of this
life’. He went on to say that he was going to “A place
where we can live free of harsh worldly truths, and live
lives in an insulated meadow, a knowingly-farcical altar to
our own most juvenile notions of purity and self-worth.”
From that statement, I can only conclude that he is referring
to Utah.
SETH: It certainly sounds like Utah, Bill. Hmm… Chicago, Utah.
It doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.
BILL: Well, I would imagine that they would change the name,
but yes, the clunkiness of the native American word ‘Utah’
serves as a lasting reminder of their undying hatred of us
for slaughtering and subjugating their people
SETH: My final question for you Bill, is how are you getting home,
as I assume that the public transportation system has
crumbled
BILL: What? Is no one coming to get me?
SETH: Bill Hader, ladies and gentleman!
Out of Studio Filmed Report
[SETH MEYERS AT THE DESK]
SETH: SNL’s own Andy Samberg was the recipient of a free
private cruise from Winston Travels Yachts, as a show of
gratitude for the promotion he gave them from his ‘I’m On
A Boat’ video. Let’s join Andy live on his Caribbean
cruise
[CUT TO ANDY, BLOODIED AND SUNBURNT, HOLDING ONTO A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD AMONGST WRECKAGE]
ANDY: Greetings from paradise! Andy Samberg reporting live
from the Gulf of Mexico! I’m having a ball out here in this
balmy weather!
[A HAGGARD LOOKING SURVIVOR APPEARS BEHIND ANDY, LOOKING FOR SAFETY]
ANDY: As you can see, we’re still partying out here
[A SHARK APPEARS SUDDENLY AND DRAGS OFF SURVIVOR SCREAMING]
ANDY: In the past few hours, things have died down a bit, many
Passengers have kind of ‘drifted off’ so to speak.
Festivities have been tempered somewhat over the course
of the cruise by it being a cash bar, but alcohol has become
first-come, first-serve ever since the ship hit that enormous,
enormous rock seven hours ago. Between you and me, I
absconded with five bottles of Bicardi between when that
rock shattered the starboard bow like it was Joe Theisman’s
leg and the point where myself and my 250 guests were
dumped into shark infested waters. Yet I tell ya, for those
still alive like myself, this cruise has just kept on being very
entertaining. The food…
[TRAY OF OEURDERVES FLOATS BY, ANDY PICKS AN ITEM OFF AND EATS IT]
ANDY: Awesome. The weather…
[ANDY’S TOLIETRIES FLOAT PAST, ANDY PICKS OUT HIS SUNBLOCK AND APPLIES OVER HIS CHARRED SKIN]
ANDY: Awesome. The atmosphere…
[DEAD BODY FLOATS PAST. ANDY IS NOTICEABLY HORRIFIED]
ANDY: Er…ugh…um…
[MARIACHI BANDS FLOATS IN FRONT OF ANDY]
ANDY: Hey! It’s the band! ¡Hola Ramón!
RAMÓN: Hola, Señor Andy, ¿Como estás?
ANDY: ¡Bien, Ramón! Say, where’s my favorite maracas player,
Consuelo?
[RAMÓN SPEAKS SOMBERLY]
RAMÓN: Está muerte
[SILENT PAUSE OF MOURNING]
ANDY: Hey guys! How about playing my favorite song?
RAMÓN: (TO BAND) Uno, dos, tres…
[BAND COMMENCES PLAYING MARIACHI VERSION OF THE THEME SONG OF THREE’S COMPANY]
ANDY: Reporting live from at this point about a mile away from
the original crash site, Andy Samberg! Back to you, Seth.
Two-Liners
A new report states that Iran has the data necessary to make a nuclear bomb. Despite being presented with an overwhelming amount of evidence of the data by his own staff, President Ahmandinejad still vehemently denies its existence.
Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’, is the #1 best-selling book in the nation even though buyers will not be able to read it until it is released November 17th. Sarah Palin herself will not be able to read it, until she learns to read.
The Obamas kept it simple for their 17th anniversary with an elegant night out on the town. This, along with their date night in New York City in May, makes it two dates in 6 months for Barack and Michelle as they march placidly towards the end of the loveless abyss most commonly known as ‘The Second Decade of Marriage’.
Autism, the disease that hinders communication and socializing, and results in rigid, repetitive behavior, has risen in the number of incidences in the past two years. Coincidentally, so have movies starring Michael Cera.
Two-Liner with Graphic
TV critics are wondering if Dave Letterman’s sex scandal will hurt his ratings with women. They worry whether women will want to think about David Letterman (semi-compromising photo of Dave Letterman) having sex with members of his staff (picture of Biff Henderson)
Commercial Parody
[SCENE WITH TWO GUYS IN THEIR APARTMENT, ONE ENTERING THE ROOM FROM THE BATHROOM, THE OTHER ON THE COUCH. VOICEOVER NARRATION]
NARRATOR: No health insurance? But you have a nagging problem that
requires medical attention
[GUY#1 EXITING FROM BATHROOM IS IN OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT]
GUY#1: How much of it does there have to be before it officially
constitutes a ‘discharge’?
[CUT TO NARRATOR SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO CAMERA]
NARRATOR: If you don’t have health insurance, you probably won’t be
able to see a doctor until it’s too late, and even then it’ll
only be so they can demonstrate your bloated, bacteria-
ridden carcass to their med students who’ve never seen
someone be eaten by their own skin. However, there are
people who can help, the people here at Autoschediastic
Medicine. At Autoschediastic Medicine, we’re willing to
accept patients without insurance, asking only in turn that
you accept a medical staff with a little less…polish
[OPEN ON A SCENE IN A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH VOICEOVER NARRATION. GUY#1 ENTERING OFFICE WITH DOCTOR. EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A DOCTOR’S OFFICE, BUT CRAPPIER. EXAM TABLE IS A PICNIC TABLE, STETHOSCOPE IS INSTEAD A SURGE PROTECTOR AROUND DOCTOR’S NECK, WHITE COAT IS A WHITE CAPE THAT IS MOST LIKELY A TABLE CLOTH, X-RAY PROJECTOR DISPLAY HAS AN X-RAY THAT IS JUST AN OUTLINE OF THE PHRASE ‘THE BAR IS OPEN’]
NARRATOR: Autoschediastic Medicine is working in the trenches of the health industry and has a
‘no frills’ approach to medicine
DOCTOR: Hello, I’m Captain Buford. Step into my garden
GUY#1: Uh…ok
DOCTOR: When did your aura become this shade of brown?
GUY#1: Well, I got sick when I ate a sandwich at Bar Louie
DOCTOR: But I get sandwiches there all the time
GUY#1: It was floating in the toilet
DOCTOR: Aaaaahhhh…
NARRATOR: We offer reasonable prices, and have a reasonable amount
of skills
DOCTOR: $3.99 for me to squeeze you until you pass out
GUY#1: Uh…if you think it’ll help
NARRATOR: Autoschediastic Medicine; you don’t need real insurance
because we’re not real doctors
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