Shitty Alternative Brian Urlacher Monologue That I Had to Write for Class

Out of Stage Monologue

[URLACHER ENTERS STAGE TO APPLAUSE AND BAND MUSIC, STUMBLES AND FALLS ON STAIRS AND STAYS DOWN. BAND MUSIC CUTS OUT AS BILL AND JASON RUSH OVER TO URLACHER, HELP HIM UP]

BRIAN: I’m alright! I’m alright! I just…I just…oh god this

hurts like hell

BILL: Brian, you’re hurt man, let us get you offstage

BRIAN: No, no, I can get through it

JASON: I don’t know Bill, he doesn’t look good. I think we

gotta shut him down

BRIAN: I CAN PLAY GUYS! PUT ME IN!

[BILL AND JASON LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY]

BILL: We’ll leave you in for a few jokes, but if you seize

up, we’re pulling you

[BRIAN NODS GAMELY, JASON AND BILL EXIT]

BRIAN: Alright, how’s it going folks? I’m really excited to be

here. Last time I was in New York it was for a game,

but now we’re here to play some funny games, heh.

That’s actually the name of a movie where two guys

break into Naomi Watts’house…then they torture the

crap out of each other.

[JASON AND BILL EXCHANGE NERVOUS GLANCES]

JASON: Brian, you sure you’re okay?

BRIAN: I’m good guys, I’ll play through it. Alright, so how’s

uh, everyone doing? I got a lot of phone calls from

my, uh, friends about doing the show, and they were

all like…’Hey man!....Good luck!’ So….uh…..

Alright guys, come get me, I need help

[BILL AND JASON RUSH IN AND CATCH BRIAN RIGHT BEFORE HE COLLAPSES, AND CARRY HIM INTO THE BACKSTAGE AREA, PASS THE DRESSING ROOM, AND ONTO A TRAINING TABLE, WHERE HE IS APPROACHED BY ANDY DRESSED AS A DOCTOR INCLUDING AN OLD-TIMEY REFLECTOR STRAPPED TO HIS HEAD]

ANDY: Alright, what’s his status?

BILL: He fell down the stairs, and then showed signs of humor paralysis

ANDY: Alright, let me…examine

[ANDY PUTS ON LATEX GLOVES]

BRIAN: Wait, that’s not a doctor. It’s Andy in scrubs!

JASON: Don’t worry, he’s in character for a sketch

BRIAN: In character? He’s still not a doctor!

ANDY: I’ve been researching my role for the Naughty

Optometrist sketch for three days

BRIAN: I thought we cut that sketch

ANDY: We did.

[BRIAN LOOKS NERVOUSLY AS BILL, JASON, AND ANDY EXCHANGE KNOWING LOOKS]

ANDY: Tie his arms!

BRIAN: Wha?

[BILL AND JASON QUICKLY LASH BRIAN’S ARMS TO THE TABLE BEFORE HE CAN OVERPOWER THEM. ANDY BEGINS TO EXAM BRIAN BY RUBBING HIS ARMS WITH NO SENSE OF ORDER, MARKING RANDOM PARTS OF HIS BODY WITH ‘X’ MARKS]

ANDY: Hmm…

JASON: What is it, Doc?

BRIAN: He’s not a doctor

ANDY: It’s just what I feared. He’s broken his funny bone

BRIAN: My humerus? My arm? I don’t think tha—

ANDY: No silly, your funny bone. The bone that controls your

ability to be funny.

[PULLS DOWN SHABBY LOOKING MEDICAL DIAGRAM OF THE HUMAN SKULL THAT SHOWS A LARGE BONE RUNNING THROUGH THE HUMAN BRAIN WITH ARROWS POINTING TO IT, AND CHILDLIKE SCRAWLING OF ‘FUNNY BONE’]

BRIAN: Did you draw that yourself?

ANDY: With my ability to look through his head, I have

determined that Brian has broken in 14 places. If

left untreated, the pieces will transform into funny

cancer.

BRIAN: Funny cancer?

JASON: How long will he be out?

BILL: Yeah, will he be back for the playoffs?

ANDY: With a broken funny bone, I’ve got to recommend

that he sits for the whole show

BRIAN: Come on! I fell on my head, botched a few jokes,

but I can go! Put me in……I need the money.

JASON: You’re broke?

BRIAN: I spend a lot of money on cheese

BILL: Come on, Doc! We need him in the show, he’s a

playmaker!

ANDY: Excuse me! I am not going to risk the medical

license and stethoscope I found in the trash by

letting him go in, with a broken funny bone

[JASON AND BILL PULL ANDY ASIDE]

BILL: C’mon man, people pull this all the time

JASON: Yeah, Eddie Murphy snapped his funny bone in half

on the set of Nutty Professor II nine years ago, and he

still suits up all the time

BILL: You let Michael Phelps go on stage, and he didn’t

even have one

ANDY: That was different! He’s hurt! Everyone saw him

get hurt!

JASON: At this point, everyone is playing hurt. Kenan’s

been going all season with a sprained laugh ligament,

Seth’s comedic timing is all messed up, and Kristen is missing her spleen

ANDY: Alright…he can go, but he’s going to be brutal

BRIAN: I can go back in?

BILL: Yeah, but you’re not going to remotely amusingly

JASON: Only sheer will is going to be able to pull you through

this

BILL: Rely on your other skills

BRIAN: Ok…let’s go

ANDY: Let’s do this

[ANDY, BILL, JASON, AND BRIAN JOG BACK ONTO STAGE TO APPLAUSE AS BRIAN RETURNS TO HIS SPOT AT CENTER, AS JASON, ANDY, AND BILL BACK HIM UP]

BRIAN: Sorry, about that folks, I was just backstage uh…I was

uh…beating up these three nerds for their lunch money.

[JASON, BILL, AND ANDY EXCHANGE SOME MORE NERVOUS GLANCES]

BRIAN: Um…uh…have I mentioned how much I love cheese?

[BRIAN BECOMES MORE UNSETTLED DUE TO THE SILENT RESPONSE]

BRIAN: Uh…well…I’m Brian Urlacher! Start laughing or

I’ll rip your faces off!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS IN NERVOUS RESPONSE AS STAGE HANDS HOLD UP APPLAUSE SIGNS THAT ARE MODIFIED TO READ ‘LAUGH OR BE KILLED’]

BRIAN: Now applaud!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSES]

BRIAN: We got a great show for you tonight! Taylor Swift

is the musical guest, and we’ll be right back

[PAN OVER TO BILL AND ANDY]

BILL: Do you really think he can get through this show with

a broken funny bone?

ANDY: Sure, though I’m not positive that’s what he hurt.

He might just have an extremely severe concussion