I Try My Hand at Writing an SNL Opening Monologue

I started the sketch portion of my writing class today as the sole holdover from my session 1 class so far. We were called upon to attempt to write an opening monologue tonight, with the idea that we will write an entire SNL show over the course of the class. I chose my host to be the recently injured Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, over my other ideas of Taylor Swift with the cast constantly interrupting her monologue by taking her microphone, M. Night Shymalan with every bit ending with an implausible plot twist, or Samuel L. Jackson with an alien fetus in his stomach (so that he's the host, and A HOST! Oh!) Anyway, here goes...

(Urlacher appears on stage in a quite noticeable wrist cast)
Urlacher:
Thank you, thank you. It's good to be in New York. I've had a lot of free time recently, so when they offered me the chance to come out and host SNL, I jumped at the the offer. It's been a little dull for me since the injury, sitting at home and all. The team is in New Orleans tonight, and I wish them well, Go Bears. But really I'm happy to be here. Most would see preparing all summer and going through training camp just to dislocate your wrist on opening night on national television against your arch rival as something that's tough to get over, but for me, it's been like one long four month vacation, or perhaps longer than that if the guys make the playoffs...without me. In fact, I recently went on vacation just to unwind and leave the game completely behind. I went to Aruba and I got a few pictures from the trip that I'd like to show you. Of course we went out to catch the nightlife (Picture of Urlacher with prominent wrist cast, sipping an umbrella drink while sternly watching the Bears on a TV in the bar), we hung out on the beach (Urlacher sitting in a beach chair under and umbrella wearing a prominent wrist cast, sternly watching the Bears on a TV he brought out onto the beach), and I even found time to cool off with a relaxing dip in the pool (Picture of stern looking Urlacher with his prominent wrist cast attempting to bring TV with Bears game into the pool while panicked swimmers try to dissuade him). So, as you can see I've really had a blast, I barely even remember that I'm injured half the time.
(Andy and Kristen run up playing with a football and giggling)
Andy:
Hey Bri-man, what's up?

Urlacher:
Hey Andy and Kristen, I'm just finishing up the monologue

Andy:
Yeah, that's awesome Bri-man, we were thinking once you were done, you could come and toss around the old pigskin with us

Kristen:
Yeah, show us how a man plays football

Andy:
I play with you all the time, Kristen

Kristen:
Yeah, you do.

Urlacher:
Guys...I would love to, more than anything, but, my wrist...you know I injured my wrist

Kristen:
You can't play just because of your wrist?

Urlacher:
No...it's completely dislocated

Andy:
That blows Bri-man, I'd be totally bummed if I couldn't play football. Well, see you later.

(Andy and Kristen depart)

Urlacher:
Anyway, as I've been saying, I've been having a blast all this week-

(Lorne Michaels, sporting some bruises and holding what appear to be gambling receipts, enters)

Lorner:
Hello Brian

Urlacher:
Hey Lorne, what's going on?

Lorner:
Everything's fine Brian, you're doing a heckuva job hosting the show tonight

Urlacher:
Well thank you Lorn--hey what happened to your face?

Lorne:
Wha-uh-I fell onto a 2 x 4 someone was swinging. But forget about me, how are you? Was the food in the green room good?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, it was delicious

Lorne:
Good, good, and the shower? Was it warm?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, thank you for asking

Lorne:
Did that masseuse come to see you?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, that was an amazing massage, thank you

Lorne:
Good, great, what about the pedicure?

Brian:
Um, it was unnecessary, but still yes, good, thank you

Lorne:
Alright, we've got a charter flight set up to get you to New Orleans right after the show, but make sure you get some sleep on the plane. We gotta get you well rested for the game tomorrow

Urlacher:
Oh, well, I'm not playing tomorrow

Lorne:
You're what?

Urlacher:
I hurt my wrist, remember? I'm out

Lorne:
Oh....

Urlacher:
Are you ok? You look pale

Lorne:
Um, fine, I'll be fine.....I just need to call Armando

Urlacher:
Armando?

Lorner:
Yes, yes, everything will be fine if I just swing a double or nothing on the Lions

Urlacher:
The Lions?

Lorne:
Do you have anything that could be used as collateral?

Urlacher:
Um....

Lorne:
Something shiny?....Nevermind, Keenan has a pair of pliers, I can get him to pry out my gold tooth. Keep up the good show, Brian

Urlacher:
Uh, ok, well I hope everything works out ok. We have a great show--

(Bill creeps on stage)

Bill:
Psst

Urlacher:
Uh...

Bill:
Psst, Brian!

Urlacher:
What Bill? I'm doing a monologue!

Bill:
I got some football themed porn! 'Tight Ends and Wide Receivers 5: Starring Joe Namath', let's go in the back and check it out

Urlacher:
I can't Bill

Bill:
Come one, man, this is primo-material

Urlacher:
Bill....I can't (gestures toward wrist)

Bill:
Oh...ohhhhh....say no more (slinks offstage)

Urlacher:
Soooo.....yeah, we got a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is performing, we got some great sketches coming up after the commercial break.