Okay, so that last link was broken. Try this one:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
More work-work
I was just telling Fegan about how I'm currently writing two stories at the same time, the one I just posted, and this one:
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
It's about Jesus!
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfN2d3eGRzbmYz&hl=en
It's about Jesus!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Read my work-work
Fegan's post reminded me that this blog exists.
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfMGR6emg3dGNz&hl=en
That link will take you to a work-in-progress, a story that, upon being finished, I plan to sell to a sci-fi magazine. Currently, part one is done.
--James "This is the #1 reason why I'm not a good employee here" Spitalere
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfMGR6emg3dGNz&hl=en
That link will take you to a work-in-progress, a story that, upon being finished, I plan to sell to a sci-fi magazine. Currently, part one is done.
--James "This is the #1 reason why I'm not a good employee here" Spitalere
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Read My Homework
Much like the United States sabotaged the League of Nations by not participating, so have I relegated the Comedy blog to irrelevant status with my lack of participation. Instead of surging to incredible heights while being buttressed by the wellspring that is my sublime and irrepressible writing talent. This poor blog has been subject to the boorish compositions of Justin Smith, James Spitalere, and the surly black kid. But no more, I have returned.
Ha, oh man, Mike Mikuska impressions aside, I finally signed into this blog. I know I was supposed to be more involved, and I apologize. Sketches escape me because I am broken and cannot hope to stay motivated for long periods of time, but I have been writing lately, because I'm required to! I've been mandated to write two-liners (First line: set up joke with actual information, Second line: Make shit up/punchline) about current events for the past two weeks. Additionally I've been forced to pump out two monologues, one a commentary, and the another is a character monologue.
Here's a seemingly unending wave of two-liners (and jokes of similar ilk that don't conform to two-liner rules, as my instructor was quick to inform me). I've included comments in parenthesis to explain why certain jokes aren't funny.
Rachel Ray underwent vocal chord surgery to remove a benign cyst from her throat. The operating surgeon said he was happy to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to plunge a sharpened metal object into Rachel Ray's neck
University of Illinois officials are outraged that school trustees used their influence to get friends and relatives admission into the University. One U of I official fretted, "If students witness how effective personal connections can be for getting into school, it might actually clue them into how to get jobs after college."
(I'm unemployed, and full of pain)
Despite the fallout from the Burr Oak Cemetery grave digging scandal, many families that have funerals already scheduled are claiming that they would still like to go through with their plans. Burr Oak officials have responded with "No worries, we'll have some free space in no time."
Change is seeping in slowly to Saudi Arabian gender relations, as many young women are struggling to gain the privilege to drive. While there are signs of the repressive Saudi government budging on their restrictions against women driving, don't expect any change in their laws against women leaving the home, women going to other people's homes, or women going to public places anytime soon.
(I was told this punchline wasn't snappy enough, perhaps it could be substituted with "however, laws against women parking are as stringent as ever." or something similar)
Six years after the porch collapse that killed 13 Lincoln Park residents, city officials are scaling back inspections of aging wooden porches, and calling upon residents to inspect porches themselves. Officials said residents should keep an eye out for such warning signs as split or rotting wood, evidence of water damage, and dead yuppies strewn all over the ground.
(Lincoln Park is full of yuppies. Perhaps a the most appropriate critique of this joke came from my sister, who said "It seems like you're trying to make well-to-do white people dying tragically into something to laugh at. That's dark James, really fucking dark.")
Lab workers at a Northwestern neurological research center are inspired by their co-worker PJ Lukac, who suffers from the same form of rare brain cancer that they spend every day searching for the cure of. However morale at the lab is low for a variety of reasons, whether it's the long hours, the tedious nature of lab work, or that every time a bored researcher suggests "Hey, screw this pointless lab work, let's skip out and get some beers!" his suggestion is followed by a long silence, a distant cough, and the offending party staring deep into the ocean of haunting melancholy that lie within PJ's eyes.
(I am told that while this joke is overlong, it redeems itself with inventiveness and an odd infusion of poetic language)
Scientists have discovered in a recent study that the gene variant that causes Alzheimer's can cause memory impairment earlier than expected, sometimes well before the age of 60. Scientists did find that subjects in the study took the news of their illness fairly well, usually nodding their heads submissively, then puttering across the room before arriving at the refrigerator, only to then pass out halfway through eating applesauce.
(The part about patients taking the news well is actually true, and perhaps should have been the setup itself).
5 Cops are wounded and 2 suspects are dead after a shootout in New Jersey initiated by a crazed shotgun wielding man dressed in priest clothing. A police lieutenant said "It was a scene you see in a war movie." The lieutenant was surely referencing the soon to be released film "Batshit Crazy Catholic Priest Shoots Everyone Inexplicably". Mel Gibson is set to star.
(Got a much bigger laugh just from the title than the Mel Gibson dig when I told this in class. I can never, ever tell this joke to Jacqueline. Ever).
Emerging from bankruptcy, GM is frantically selling off all of its unprofitable assets, including the Hyatt Hills Golf Complex, a golf course built on soil contaminated by the toxic waste and oil released when GM demolished one of their factories on the property. So far attempts to sell have been thwarted by the market being flooded with Japanese golf courses that are not only cheaper, but contaminated with far more poisonous chemicals.
CTA (Chicago Transit Authority, the group that runs Chicago public transportation to all you outsiders) President Richard Rodriguez is proposing to take away free employee cars by years end in order to cut costs. "I'll guess we'll all have to use the CTA ourselves," one CTA employee said (according to my instructor, the joke should have ended somewhere around here), his eyes glassy, his voice faded and distant as he sat back in his car that was quickly filling with noxious fumes from the CTA issue rubber hose he had been seen connecting to his exhaust pipe. When asked to elaborate on his comment, he responded by falling unconscious into his steering wheel, which resulted in no sound as the CTA had already removed the car's horns a year ago in a previously failed attempt to cut costs.
The world's largest cupcake, complete with 15 pounds of fudge filling and 60 pounds of icing, is being donated to a pig farm. This is part of a new campaign of humane treatment of pigs, whereas instead of being slaughtered, they will merely be allowed to die of diabetes.
Paula Abdul's new manager says her client is unhappy with how she's being treated and might not return to American Idol. "She's hurt, she's angry. The way they are treating , it's almost as if absolutely nothing in Paula Abdul's career substantiates her as an expert on singing."
David Beckham's return to Los Angeles to play for the MLS team the LA Galaxy after spending four months playing in Europe was not a happy one, as he was booed, cursed at, and met with angry signs that labeled him as a "fraud" and "evil". Local pundits have firmly stated that Beckham, with his heavily manicured blond hair, dilettante wife, unfailing eye for self-promotion, and duplicitous nature, simply doesn't belong in Los Angeles.
Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted last week that if elected she would not allow her background to factor into how she decides a case, instead she pledged to-
(Pick your own punchline!)
-"just make shit up."
-"let the pure and unbiased forces of utter chaos determine her actions," before screaming "Anarchy!", sticking a dagger between her teeth, and swinging from a suddenly appearing rope through the window. 7 onlookers were injured by shattering glass.
Summer vacation is already ending after only a month for Illinois schools with year-round schedules designed to keep students out of trouble. Said one fifth-grader, "One month barely even feels like an hour when you do as much ecstasy as I do."
Various clergy members and religious leaders traveled to Burr Oak Cemetery to re-consecrate what was once considered holy ground. One Burr Oak employee was heard to comment "Ooohhhh, you sprinkled your fruity holy water everywhere and mumbled gibberish, I'm totally not going to dig up the graves now...ooooo!"
Papa John's founder John Schnatter delivered 15 pizzas to the top floor of the Willis Tower in an attempt to set the Guinness World Record for "Highest Pizza delivery." The event is being commemorated with a new menu item, for $9.99 customers can now order a large pizza topped with pointless bullshit.
(The following joke has six punchlines. I am told that only the last two are even close to amusing, and a few come off as shockingly homophobic)
A brawl broke out at a gay men's beauty pageant when a losing contestant angrily grabbed the trophy and violently struck a judge who voted against him in the head.
-"It's a big step for America," one witness said, "finally an instance of a gay man being savagely beaten that is absolutely hilarious."
-One police officer complained that being forced to drive out in 3350 W Jackson late at night was "totally gay".
-A judge not involved in the fight commented, "In my 25 years of experience, that's the best face shot I've ever seen."
-The suddenly insecure about their masculinity officials of an upcoming heterosexual male beauty pageant claim that their winner this year will be determined by who looks prettiest after a chainsaw fight.
-When asked for comment, the victim replied "Man, that cocksucker sure hits hard."
-Security personnel strangely found the proceedings easier to deal with than the cattiness and emotional aggression associated with female beauty pageants, one commented "Gold-plated trophies fracture jaws, but words break hearts."
The F-22 fighter plane has been removed from production in an effort to cut costs by eliminating titillating but extraneous items from the military budget. Other eliminated items include the bomb the size of Montana, the magic toaster, top-quality body armor for troops, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
The video of a Minnesota couple and their wedding party "boogieing" down the aisle to the tune of Chris Brown's hit "Forever", has been declared a surprise youtube hit, after reaching 2 million views. Horribly filmed video of awkward white people ironically dancing poorly to hip-hop, a hit on youtube, it's the fucking underdog story of the year.
(I'm bitter and hateful)
Cook County correctional officer Abraham Yasin was rewarded $200,000 after suing over being called racial slurs like "camel jockey", "Bin Laden", and "shoe bomber" by fellow officers via his com radio. No word on what effect the revelation that Yasin had his radio turned to Rush Limbaugh's morning show the whole time will have on the case.
This past year ComEd lost 17,000 customers and the company is scratching its collective head as to why. A ComEd representative reported that while the company has received a wealth of exit surveys from departing customers, the fact that they are usually hurtled through ComEd office windows after being wrapped around large rocks and lit on fire makes them difficult to interpret.
(ComEd is a shitty electricity company that I hate)
Here is the commentary monologue:
Outrage over David Beckham has spread across Los Angeles like a celebrity home-consuming wildfire, or racial violence. In a town that finds Kobe Bryant genuinely charming, David Beckham has been labeled as a fraud, and subject to booing and cursing, treatment usually reserved for athletes who are caught trying to dispose of dead hookers in the dumpster behind a Wendy's, or members of the LA Clippers. Beckham is under derision for departing the LA Galaxy, his American MLS team, to play on loan for a European team that was surely vastly superior, on the basis that they play in Europe. If you're not familiar with the idea of playing on loan, it's because its one of those time-honored European customs that doesn't make any fucking sense. In European soccer, when a good team takes an interest in a player from a team that is, well, not bad, but simply handicapped by their owner's crippling inadequacy, rather than negotiate some sort of 'deal' that would ensure that each team is fairly compensated, they simply take the guy for an indefinite period of time. Just like how early European settlers acquired land from the Native Americans, or how Angelina Jolie got her kids. However, LA fans are not familiar with the loan program, and they're certainly not accustomed to European teams taking an interest in their typically god-awful players. When David Beckham signed with LA 2 or 3 or however many the hell years ago, LA assumed they were purchasing the loyalty that only $250 million and the horrifying desperation of a rapidly aging athlete could buy. However, anyone could see that the pairing of Beckham and American soccer was flawed. In a world where good European players play in Europe, good American players play in Europe, mediocre European players play in Eastern Europe, and mediocre American players work at the Home Depot, it comes as no surprise that with this kind of talent disparity that Beckham became disinterested and was accused by fellow player Landon Donovan of being a poor teammate, sleepwalking through games, and not hooking up any of the guys with a blowjob from a Spice Girl. The assumption that an international superstar would be invested in a league that plays in such super media markets as San Jose, CA, Columbus, OH, and has a team called Chivas, which is an homage to another earlier soccer team that also went out of business, is flimsier than Beckham's bleach blond faux-hawk and his wife's twig-like spinal column combined. Beckham didn't betray his fans, he simply latched on to probably the last real opportunity the embarrassingly desperate second half of his career will offer him. Now that Europe has sufficiently reminded itself that he's old, his knees are shot, and that he moves slower than a FEMA plane to New Orleans, Beckham is back. Now let's just leave him alone and go watch a sport we care about.
Character Monologue as a smarmy fucking ComEd rep. God I hate ComEd.
Hello fellow Chicagoans! I say fellow Chicagoans, because here at ComEd, we think of ourselves as part of Chicago. Just like in a family where you have a father that you call abusive, tell him he's a deadbeat, promise to kill him on sight, but deep down you know you need them. That's the kind of family member Chicago has in ComEd. When Chicago needs us, ComEd is usually there. And if we're not there, there's usually a half-decent reason. And if there isn't a half-decent reason, then take comfort in knowing that we'll be there in 2-3 hours in a big surge of power. Ooh, I'm sorry, poor choice of words there, my apologies to Romeoville, Joliet, and the entire West Side. But seriously Chicago, where are you? ComEd lost 17,000 customers last year, which is puzzling, because when we were muscling our way to complete control of the electricity market, this was exactly the type of activity that wasn't supposed to happen. If perhaps you've found a new power supplier, feel free to contact us on our website and tell us about them. Any information at all, whether it's the address of their corporate headquarters, the license plate number of their CEO's car, or where his daughter goes to high school, would be most helpful. In turn, contact them and tell them that a monopoly means no competition, and that ComEd ain't no punks. Finally, if you are discontinuing your ComEd service, please fill out our exit survey about why you're leaving, and MAIL it to our corporate headquarters. Don't put it through our window, don't crumple it around a rock, don't set it on fire, and for the love of God stop doing all three at once. Now if you're discontinuing your ComEd service because you cannot afford our recent rate increase, then disregard this announcement and anything nice we as a company have ever said to you, because you're poor and we hate you for it. That's all for now Chicago, take it easy, kick back and enjoy your summer vacation. And stock up on candles, because we're planning on enjoying our summer vacation too.
Phew. I'm sure there are a lot of typos. I have class tomorrow, so more work will be coming soon.
Ha, oh man, Mike Mikuska impressions aside, I finally signed into this blog. I know I was supposed to be more involved, and I apologize. Sketches escape me because I am broken and cannot hope to stay motivated for long periods of time, but I have been writing lately, because I'm required to! I've been mandated to write two-liners (First line: set up joke with actual information, Second line: Make shit up/punchline) about current events for the past two weeks. Additionally I've been forced to pump out two monologues, one a commentary, and the another is a character monologue.
Here's a seemingly unending wave of two-liners (and jokes of similar ilk that don't conform to two-liner rules, as my instructor was quick to inform me). I've included comments in parenthesis to explain why certain jokes aren't funny.
Rachel Ray underwent vocal chord surgery to remove a benign cyst from her throat. The operating surgeon said he was happy to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to plunge a sharpened metal object into Rachel Ray's neck
University of Illinois officials are outraged that school trustees used their influence to get friends and relatives admission into the University. One U of I official fretted, "If students witness how effective personal connections can be for getting into school, it might actually clue them into how to get jobs after college."
(I'm unemployed, and full of pain)
Despite the fallout from the Burr Oak Cemetery grave digging scandal, many families that have funerals already scheduled are claiming that they would still like to go through with their plans. Burr Oak officials have responded with "No worries, we'll have some free space in no time."
Change is seeping in slowly to Saudi Arabian gender relations, as many young women are struggling to gain the privilege to drive. While there are signs of the repressive Saudi government budging on their restrictions against women driving, don't expect any change in their laws against women leaving the home, women going to other people's homes, or women going to public places anytime soon.
(I was told this punchline wasn't snappy enough, perhaps it could be substituted with "however, laws against women parking are as stringent as ever." or something similar)
Six years after the porch collapse that killed 13 Lincoln Park residents, city officials are scaling back inspections of aging wooden porches, and calling upon residents to inspect porches themselves. Officials said residents should keep an eye out for such warning signs as split or rotting wood, evidence of water damage, and dead yuppies strewn all over the ground.
(Lincoln Park is full of yuppies. Perhaps a the most appropriate critique of this joke came from my sister, who said "It seems like you're trying to make well-to-do white people dying tragically into something to laugh at. That's dark James, really fucking dark.")
Lab workers at a Northwestern neurological research center are inspired by their co-worker PJ Lukac, who suffers from the same form of rare brain cancer that they spend every day searching for the cure of. However morale at the lab is low for a variety of reasons, whether it's the long hours, the tedious nature of lab work, or that every time a bored researcher suggests "Hey, screw this pointless lab work, let's skip out and get some beers!" his suggestion is followed by a long silence, a distant cough, and the offending party staring deep into the ocean of haunting melancholy that lie within PJ's eyes.
(I am told that while this joke is overlong, it redeems itself with inventiveness and an odd infusion of poetic language)
Scientists have discovered in a recent study that the gene variant that causes Alzheimer's can cause memory impairment earlier than expected, sometimes well before the age of 60. Scientists did find that subjects in the study took the news of their illness fairly well, usually nodding their heads submissively, then puttering across the room before arriving at the refrigerator, only to then pass out halfway through eating applesauce.
(The part about patients taking the news well is actually true, and perhaps should have been the setup itself).
5 Cops are wounded and 2 suspects are dead after a shootout in New Jersey initiated by a crazed shotgun wielding man dressed in priest clothing. A police lieutenant said "It was a scene you see in a war movie." The lieutenant was surely referencing the soon to be released film "Batshit Crazy Catholic Priest Shoots Everyone Inexplicably". Mel Gibson is set to star.
(Got a much bigger laugh just from the title than the Mel Gibson dig when I told this in class. I can never, ever tell this joke to Jacqueline. Ever).
Emerging from bankruptcy, GM is frantically selling off all of its unprofitable assets, including the Hyatt Hills Golf Complex, a golf course built on soil contaminated by the toxic waste and oil released when GM demolished one of their factories on the property. So far attempts to sell have been thwarted by the market being flooded with Japanese golf courses that are not only cheaper, but contaminated with far more poisonous chemicals.
CTA (Chicago Transit Authority, the group that runs Chicago public transportation to all you outsiders) President Richard Rodriguez is proposing to take away free employee cars by years end in order to cut costs. "I'll guess we'll all have to use the CTA ourselves," one CTA employee said (according to my instructor, the joke should have ended somewhere around here), his eyes glassy, his voice faded and distant as he sat back in his car that was quickly filling with noxious fumes from the CTA issue rubber hose he had been seen connecting to his exhaust pipe. When asked to elaborate on his comment, he responded by falling unconscious into his steering wheel, which resulted in no sound as the CTA had already removed the car's horns a year ago in a previously failed attempt to cut costs.
The world's largest cupcake, complete with 15 pounds of fudge filling and 60 pounds of icing, is being donated to a pig farm. This is part of a new campaign of humane treatment of pigs, whereas instead of being slaughtered, they will merely be allowed to die of diabetes.
Paula Abdul's new manager says her client is unhappy with how she's being treated and might not return to American Idol. "She's hurt, she's angry. The way they are treating , it's almost as if absolutely nothing in Paula Abdul's career substantiates her as an expert on singing."
David Beckham's return to Los Angeles to play for the MLS team the LA Galaxy after spending four months playing in Europe was not a happy one, as he was booed, cursed at, and met with angry signs that labeled him as a "fraud" and "evil". Local pundits have firmly stated that Beckham, with his heavily manicured blond hair, dilettante wife, unfailing eye for self-promotion, and duplicitous nature, simply doesn't belong in Los Angeles.
Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted last week that if elected she would not allow her background to factor into how she decides a case, instead she pledged to-
(Pick your own punchline!)
-"just make shit up."
-"let the pure and unbiased forces of utter chaos determine her actions," before screaming "Anarchy!", sticking a dagger between her teeth, and swinging from a suddenly appearing rope through the window. 7 onlookers were injured by shattering glass.
Summer vacation is already ending after only a month for Illinois schools with year-round schedules designed to keep students out of trouble. Said one fifth-grader, "One month barely even feels like an hour when you do as much ecstasy as I do."
Various clergy members and religious leaders traveled to Burr Oak Cemetery to re-consecrate what was once considered holy ground. One Burr Oak employee was heard to comment "Ooohhhh, you sprinkled your fruity holy water everywhere and mumbled gibberish, I'm totally not going to dig up the graves now...ooooo!"
Papa John's founder John Schnatter delivered 15 pizzas to the top floor of the Willis Tower in an attempt to set the Guinness World Record for "Highest Pizza delivery." The event is being commemorated with a new menu item, for $9.99 customers can now order a large pizza topped with pointless bullshit.
(The following joke has six punchlines. I am told that only the last two are even close to amusing, and a few come off as shockingly homophobic)
A brawl broke out at a gay men's beauty pageant when a losing contestant angrily grabbed the trophy and violently struck a judge who voted against him in the head.
-"It's a big step for America," one witness said, "finally an instance of a gay man being savagely beaten that is absolutely hilarious."
-One police officer complained that being forced to drive out in 3350 W Jackson late at night was "totally gay".
-A judge not involved in the fight commented, "In my 25 years of experience, that's the best face shot I've ever seen."
-The suddenly insecure about their masculinity officials of an upcoming heterosexual male beauty pageant claim that their winner this year will be determined by who looks prettiest after a chainsaw fight.
-When asked for comment, the victim replied "Man, that cocksucker sure hits hard."
-Security personnel strangely found the proceedings easier to deal with than the cattiness and emotional aggression associated with female beauty pageants, one commented "Gold-plated trophies fracture jaws, but words break hearts."
The F-22 fighter plane has been removed from production in an effort to cut costs by eliminating titillating but extraneous items from the military budget. Other eliminated items include the bomb the size of Montana, the magic toaster, top-quality body armor for troops, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
The video of a Minnesota couple and their wedding party "boogieing" down the aisle to the tune of Chris Brown's hit "Forever", has been declared a surprise youtube hit, after reaching 2 million views. Horribly filmed video of awkward white people ironically dancing poorly to hip-hop, a hit on youtube, it's the fucking underdog story of the year.
(I'm bitter and hateful)
Cook County correctional officer Abraham Yasin was rewarded $200,000 after suing over being called racial slurs like "camel jockey", "Bin Laden", and "shoe bomber" by fellow officers via his com radio. No word on what effect the revelation that Yasin had his radio turned to Rush Limbaugh's morning show the whole time will have on the case.
This past year ComEd lost 17,000 customers and the company is scratching its collective head as to why. A ComEd representative reported that while the company has received a wealth of exit surveys from departing customers, the fact that they are usually hurtled through ComEd office windows after being wrapped around large rocks and lit on fire makes them difficult to interpret.
(ComEd is a shitty electricity company that I hate)
Here is the commentary monologue:
Outrage over David Beckham has spread across Los Angeles like a celebrity home-consuming wildfire, or racial violence. In a town that finds Kobe Bryant genuinely charming, David Beckham has been labeled as a fraud, and subject to booing and cursing, treatment usually reserved for athletes who are caught trying to dispose of dead hookers in the dumpster behind a Wendy's, or members of the LA Clippers. Beckham is under derision for departing the LA Galaxy, his American MLS team, to play on loan for a European team that was surely vastly superior, on the basis that they play in Europe. If you're not familiar with the idea of playing on loan, it's because its one of those time-honored European customs that doesn't make any fucking sense. In European soccer, when a good team takes an interest in a player from a team that is, well, not bad, but simply handicapped by their owner's crippling inadequacy, rather than negotiate some sort of 'deal' that would ensure that each team is fairly compensated, they simply take the guy for an indefinite period of time. Just like how early European settlers acquired land from the Native Americans, or how Angelina Jolie got her kids. However, LA fans are not familiar with the loan program, and they're certainly not accustomed to European teams taking an interest in their typically god-awful players. When David Beckham signed with LA 2 or 3 or however many the hell years ago, LA assumed they were purchasing the loyalty that only $250 million and the horrifying desperation of a rapidly aging athlete could buy. However, anyone could see that the pairing of Beckham and American soccer was flawed. In a world where good European players play in Europe, good American players play in Europe, mediocre European players play in Eastern Europe, and mediocre American players work at the Home Depot, it comes as no surprise that with this kind of talent disparity that Beckham became disinterested and was accused by fellow player Landon Donovan of being a poor teammate, sleepwalking through games, and not hooking up any of the guys with a blowjob from a Spice Girl. The assumption that an international superstar would be invested in a league that plays in such super media markets as San Jose, CA, Columbus, OH, and has a team called Chivas, which is an homage to another earlier soccer team that also went out of business, is flimsier than Beckham's bleach blond faux-hawk and his wife's twig-like spinal column combined. Beckham didn't betray his fans, he simply latched on to probably the last real opportunity the embarrassingly desperate second half of his career will offer him. Now that Europe has sufficiently reminded itself that he's old, his knees are shot, and that he moves slower than a FEMA plane to New Orleans, Beckham is back. Now let's just leave him alone and go watch a sport we care about.
Character Monologue as a smarmy fucking ComEd rep. God I hate ComEd.
Hello fellow Chicagoans! I say fellow Chicagoans, because here at ComEd, we think of ourselves as part of Chicago. Just like in a family where you have a father that you call abusive, tell him he's a deadbeat, promise to kill him on sight, but deep down you know you need them. That's the kind of family member Chicago has in ComEd. When Chicago needs us, ComEd is usually there. And if we're not there, there's usually a half-decent reason. And if there isn't a half-decent reason, then take comfort in knowing that we'll be there in 2-3 hours in a big surge of power. Ooh, I'm sorry, poor choice of words there, my apologies to Romeoville, Joliet, and the entire West Side. But seriously Chicago, where are you? ComEd lost 17,000 customers last year, which is puzzling, because when we were muscling our way to complete control of the electricity market, this was exactly the type of activity that wasn't supposed to happen. If perhaps you've found a new power supplier, feel free to contact us on our website and tell us about them. Any information at all, whether it's the address of their corporate headquarters, the license plate number of their CEO's car, or where his daughter goes to high school, would be most helpful. In turn, contact them and tell them that a monopoly means no competition, and that ComEd ain't no punks. Finally, if you are discontinuing your ComEd service, please fill out our exit survey about why you're leaving, and MAIL it to our corporate headquarters. Don't put it through our window, don't crumple it around a rock, don't set it on fire, and for the love of God stop doing all three at once. Now if you're discontinuing your ComEd service because you cannot afford our recent rate increase, then disregard this announcement and anything nice we as a company have ever said to you, because you're poor and we hate you for it. That's all for now Chicago, take it easy, kick back and enjoy your summer vacation. And stock up on candles, because we're planning on enjoying our summer vacation too.
Phew. I'm sure there are a lot of typos. I have class tomorrow, so more work will be coming soon.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
OnStar parody idea
GoStar Sketch Idea
An employee of GoStar is walking by a series of other employees on headsets. The voices of the customers can be heard as well. The Host is very happy, infomercial type enthusiasm until the last line.
Host: Here at GoStar, we take pride in helping people.
Voice: Uh, so yeah, I just went to run into the grocery store and-
Employee #1: It's ok sir, it happens to the best of us. Your car should be unlocking itself now.
Host: Why let life's problems slow you down more than they should?
Voice: Yeah, we're right around mile marker 10, the tire just blew out-
Employee #2: Don't worry sir, one of our repair trucks is on its way. You'll be on your way in no time
Host: And if you're in an accident, you can't be sure you can reach your cell phone. GoStar is always there for you.
Voice: Oww, my head, it hurts to move-
Employee #3: Don't worry ma'am, paramedics are the way. I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive. Everything is going to be ok.
Host: We're also there in the worst of times, when perhaps its not going to all be ok.
Voice: Hckgh, blood, taste...blood, smells like burning feathers...going black...hckg
Employee #4 (disturbed): Sir? Sir? Are...are you still there?
Host: Sometimes all the adults, they get knocked unconscious.
Voice (of a hysterical small child): Mommy! Mommy wake up! My leg hurts, mommy. (blood curdling screech) MOMMY!
Employee #5: I...it'll...be fine. Oh God
Host: Sometimes, it's even worse than that.
This sound plays
Employee #6 stands, face aghast, slowly begins sobbing. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a gun, you see this just as the hosts fully walks by and Employee #6 is leaving the frame.
Host: A lot of us kill ourselves.
Gunshot
END
An employee of GoStar is walking by a series of other employees on headsets. The voices of the customers can be heard as well. The Host is very happy, infomercial type enthusiasm until the last line.
Host: Here at GoStar, we take pride in helping people.
Voice: Uh, so yeah, I just went to run into the grocery store and-
Employee #1: It's ok sir, it happens to the best of us. Your car should be unlocking itself now.
Host: Why let life's problems slow you down more than they should?
Voice: Yeah, we're right around mile marker 10, the tire just blew out-
Employee #2: Don't worry sir, one of our repair trucks is on its way. You'll be on your way in no time
Host: And if you're in an accident, you can't be sure you can reach your cell phone. GoStar is always there for you.
Voice: Oww, my head, it hurts to move-
Employee #3: Don't worry ma'am, paramedics are the way. I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive. Everything is going to be ok.
Host: We're also there in the worst of times, when perhaps its not going to all be ok.
Voice: Hckgh, blood, taste...blood, smells like burning feathers...going black...hckg
Employee #4 (disturbed): Sir? Sir? Are...are you still there?
Host: Sometimes all the adults, they get knocked unconscious.
Voice (of a hysterical small child): Mommy! Mommy wake up! My leg hurts, mommy. (blood curdling screech) MOMMY!
Employee #5: I...it'll...be fine. Oh God
Host: Sometimes, it's even worse than that.
This sound plays
Employee #6 stands, face aghast, slowly begins sobbing. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a gun, you see this just as the hosts fully walks by and Employee #6 is leaving the frame.
Host: A lot of us kill ourselves.
Gunshot
END
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The meta-sketch
So, where this comes from is that I thought up the joke "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Also, goblins." And then I realized that it was cliche, and stupid, so I ended the joke by acknowledging that it was cliche and stupid. And then I realized that that, also, was cliche and stupid, and hence, this sketch:
1 - As that one president said once, we have nothing to fear, but fear itself. Also, goblins.
2 - Wait, no, that’s not funny.
1 - What? Being afraid of goblins isn’t funny? Are you saying that just because goblins are worthy of fear and therefore the statement that they are scary is normal and mundane and not absurd at all?
2 - No, I’m saying that it’s cliche.
1 - I have never heard the joke before with goblins in it.
2 - I mean, the form of the joke is cliche. “We have nothing to fear but some random stupid thing.” It’s cliche. It’s not funny.
3 - Woah, woah, woah, guys. Did I just hear you correctly? Acknowledging a corny, shitty joke as a corny shitty joke - that’s not funny, either. There is nothing more cliche.
2 - Oh? What about romantic comedies?
1 - Or happy endings?
2 - A lone cop who doesn’t play by the rules who’s out to avenge his fallen partner?
1 - A fantasy hero whose idyllic lifestyle is destroyed when an army burns his village and rapes his mother?
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1. Okay, I get it. There are things more cliche, but that doesn’t make acknowledging how terrible your joke is less cliche.
2 - And you’re going to rescue it by acknowledging as cliche the art of acknowledging your joke as cliche?
3 - Yes. That is what I’m doing.
1 - Well, good job, then. Hooray for us!
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1.
2 - But that’s dumb. It’s still the basic form of the joke. Just repeating it again doesn’t make it fresh.
3 - Yes it does.
2 - What if I told two knock-knock jokes in a row? Does that make it fresh?
3 - Knock knock.
(pause)
2 - (sighing) Who’s there?
3 - Knock knock.
2 - Knock knock who?
3 - Banana.
(pause)
3 - Oh, come on, #2. You fucked up my joke! You have to say “who’s there?” when I say “knock knock.”
2 - The hell I do.
3 - Let’s do it again. Knock knock.
(pause)
3 - I said “knock knock,” motherfucker! You have to reply!
2 - I did. I triggered the silent alarm, and the police are here to arrest you for being a jackass.
3 - Yeah, well, I shoot them. With a gun.
2 - They have kevlar.
3 - My gun can go through that. I kill all the cops.
2 - Yeah, well, that gives you another Wanted star, so the FBI are after you.
3 - Wait, are we talking about GTA now?
1 - Oh, good game.
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1.
2 - Wait, #3. Are you referencing The Big Lebowski?
3 - Well, yeah.
1 - The big what-now?
2 - It’s a movie from, like, the 90s. There’s a scene where a character keeps telling another one to shut the fuck up.
1 - Oh, that’s pretty funny.
3 - Shut the fuck up -
2 - No! Goddammit! We’re not referencing movie lines! That’s even worse than cliche jokes!
3 - No, it’s good, because it’s a better movie than is usually referenced.
2 - #1 hasn’t even seen the movie! I’m just assuming that, because you’re an idiot.
1 - No, you’re right. I thought it was a very clever, original joke. Guess I was wrong, #3.
3 - You can’t judge my jokes based on how stupid #1 is!
2 - Well, i can judge them because nothing is stupider than referencing a movie line.
1 - What about Scientology?
3 - Or man nipples?
1 - Or -
2 - Fuck you guys, we’re not doing that again. Just because it’s a good, relatively niche film does not make referencing it better. It’s the entire form of the joke that’s at fault.
3 - Are you saying that I make terrible jokes?
1 - Yes.
3 - (pulls out a gun, shoots #1)
2 - Oh, great. Finishing a sketch by murdering someone who disagrees with you. That’s original.
3 - So is sarcasm, dickwad. (Shoots #2, then sighs) Who am I going to make jokes to now? (shoots himself)
(pause)
1 - I’m a zombie now!
2 & 3, in unison - NO!
1 - (sighs) Alright.
1 - As that one president said once, we have nothing to fear, but fear itself. Also, goblins.
2 - Wait, no, that’s not funny.
1 - What? Being afraid of goblins isn’t funny? Are you saying that just because goblins are worthy of fear and therefore the statement that they are scary is normal and mundane and not absurd at all?
2 - No, I’m saying that it’s cliche.
1 - I have never heard the joke before with goblins in it.
2 - I mean, the form of the joke is cliche. “We have nothing to fear but some random stupid thing.” It’s cliche. It’s not funny.
3 - Woah, woah, woah, guys. Did I just hear you correctly? Acknowledging a corny, shitty joke as a corny shitty joke - that’s not funny, either. There is nothing more cliche.
2 - Oh? What about romantic comedies?
1 - Or happy endings?
2 - A lone cop who doesn’t play by the rules who’s out to avenge his fallen partner?
1 - A fantasy hero whose idyllic lifestyle is destroyed when an army burns his village and rapes his mother?
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1. Okay, I get it. There are things more cliche, but that doesn’t make acknowledging how terrible your joke is less cliche.
2 - And you’re going to rescue it by acknowledging as cliche the art of acknowledging your joke as cliche?
3 - Yes. That is what I’m doing.
1 - Well, good job, then. Hooray for us!
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1.
2 - But that’s dumb. It’s still the basic form of the joke. Just repeating it again doesn’t make it fresh.
3 - Yes it does.
2 - What if I told two knock-knock jokes in a row? Does that make it fresh?
3 - Knock knock.
(pause)
2 - (sighing) Who’s there?
3 - Knock knock.
2 - Knock knock who?
3 - Banana.
(pause)
3 - Oh, come on, #2. You fucked up my joke! You have to say “who’s there?” when I say “knock knock.”
2 - The hell I do.
3 - Let’s do it again. Knock knock.
(pause)
3 - I said “knock knock,” motherfucker! You have to reply!
2 - I did. I triggered the silent alarm, and the police are here to arrest you for being a jackass.
3 - Yeah, well, I shoot them. With a gun.
2 - They have kevlar.
3 - My gun can go through that. I kill all the cops.
2 - Yeah, well, that gives you another Wanted star, so the FBI are after you.
3 - Wait, are we talking about GTA now?
1 - Oh, good game.
3 - Shut the fuck up, #1.
2 - Wait, #3. Are you referencing The Big Lebowski?
3 - Well, yeah.
1 - The big what-now?
2 - It’s a movie from, like, the 90s. There’s a scene where a character keeps telling another one to shut the fuck up.
1 - Oh, that’s pretty funny.
3 - Shut the fuck up -
2 - No! Goddammit! We’re not referencing movie lines! That’s even worse than cliche jokes!
3 - No, it’s good, because it’s a better movie than is usually referenced.
2 - #1 hasn’t even seen the movie! I’m just assuming that, because you’re an idiot.
1 - No, you’re right. I thought it was a very clever, original joke. Guess I was wrong, #3.
3 - You can’t judge my jokes based on how stupid #1 is!
2 - Well, i can judge them because nothing is stupider than referencing a movie line.
1 - What about Scientology?
3 - Or man nipples?
1 - Or -
2 - Fuck you guys, we’re not doing that again. Just because it’s a good, relatively niche film does not make referencing it better. It’s the entire form of the joke that’s at fault.
3 - Are you saying that I make terrible jokes?
1 - Yes.
3 - (pulls out a gun, shoots #1)
2 - Oh, great. Finishing a sketch by murdering someone who disagrees with you. That’s original.
3 - So is sarcasm, dickwad. (Shoots #2, then sighs) Who am I going to make jokes to now? (shoots himself)
(pause)
1 - I’m a zombie now!
2 & 3, in unison - NO!
1 - (sighs) Alright.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Boss
open on an office building where the workday is in full swing. cut to the IT office where we find IT guy 1 sitting in front of a computer. he contorts his face in anger and then slams his fist on the desk. IT guy 2 comes into view, clearly more dishevelled and less caring about work than IT guy 1. he wears a hawaiian shirt and khakis
itguy2: dude what's the problem? did you lose at tetris again?
itguy1: no, ass. some of us do ACTUAL work around here.
2: sheesh it was just a joke. what is your problem?
1: i just got ANOTHER complaint about disapearing user profiles
2: thats 5 today. i think we have a hacker on our hands
1: looks like its a 'deleto'
2: oooh. you better go tell (pause for effect) 'the boss'
cut to the closed door of the boss' office (the door just says "the boss" in black letters)
1: are you kidding? do you remember what happened when Todd told him the copier went down 2 months ago?
cut flashback of a third IT guy going into the office of the boss, the door opens and white light and smoke can be seen coming from the opening. he steps inside and the door closes behind him. -short pause- then screaming, perhaps that of a child. the door opens and slowly IT guy 3 comes back out. his face is locked in a horrified stare. his pants are soiled with his own urine. without saying a word he walks into the corner and begins pounding his head against the wall. cut back to ITguy 1 and 2.
2: wow yeah. todd was never the same...
1: he pounded his head against that wall for 3 straight hours.
2: why did we wait so long to stop him again?
1: he was covered in his own urine!
2: oh. right.
1: it wasnt until he started bleeding that I braved the pee-pee
2: we should really consider calling the maintenance dudes to clean that massive blood stain off the wall...
pan to HUGE blood stain, clearly brown and aged on the wall.
2: alright, so we have to take on this deleto hacker ourselves?
1: thats right. let's do this.
2: aw man... that means we have to do WORK stuf--
1: --I SAID LET'S DO THIS! (pumps a fist into the air)
montage - flashes of the two ITguys typing furiously at the machines, ITguy2 sprays water into ITguy1's mouth, back to typing, flash to them eating pizza as if nothing is wrong looking at each other then suddenly throwing the pizza into the air and running to their respective desks, back to more typing, flash to ITguy1 looking over at ITguy2 to see him scream in torment and then lean over to a garbage can and puke into it. ITguy1 stands, runs over to ITguy2 and holds him up
1: wow, you need a break!
2: (panting) no. ive almost got it!
1: but at what expense?
2: (panting less) i just had too much pizza. i cant stop. i have to beat this score...
1: it's ok, i can do this alo-- wait. beat WHAT score?
itguy1 looks at ITguy2's screen to see he has been playing tetris the entire time
1: what the hell is this?
2: i was gonna help, but the siren-song of my russian mistress is just too seductive!
1: UGH! (pushes ITguy2 back down and goes back to his desk) i'll do this... (pause cut to closeup of ITguy1's eyes) myself!
2: (off screen as ITguy1 types) aww you pushed me back into the puke! its everywhere! this is my best work shirt!
ITguy1 types for a very short amount of time and then looks horrified
1: oh no... he... he got the entire file server. all of those profiles... just... gone! it looks like i have no choice now. i have to tell the boss, and get what's coming to me...
as he stands, a new email message comes through and he reads it - 'oh hay, sorry i was deleting some stuff from the server and it looks like the exchange server went down, plz go to the server room and reboot it kthxbai. signed, da Boss'
1: no. NO... it can't be... it can't be deleto couldnt be...
ITguy1 runs to the door of the boss and pushes it open. There he finds the boss sitting in a dark room with multiple monitors and keyboards on his desk. he is wearing sunglasses and humming the 'mission impossible theme' aloud to himself. Itguy1 turns on the lights
1: BOSS? YOU'RE deleto?
theBoss: (takes off his sunglasses) oh hey. i accidentally deleted some stuff that we need. i couldnt really see which files they were through these sunglasses, but the looked so damned cool, i had to keep em on. so you have to work overtime to restore it. k? thanks bye. (wave's him off, puts back on his sunglasses, starts humming again and then sings the words) i'm a leet hacker!
ITguy1 stands stunned for a moment and then lets out a blood curdling scream, and soils himself. without moving his horrified face from the screaming position, he turns and walks out of the boss' office, walks toward the blood stain in the corner, and begins pounding his head on the wall. ITguy2 gets up and wipes his mouth off
2: well That issue is resolved. back to doing whats really important here (plays more tetris)
credits roll to the song 'like a boss' by lonely island
END
edits - at the end of the montage, whtn ITG1 is trying to stop the hacker, he pulls the plug in an over the top, herculean show of force to stop the damage the hacker is doing, instead of the hacker taking down the entire system.
when ITG1 goes into the boss' office, after the discovery is made, he asks the boss "why are yo doing this?" the boss either looks at him blankly, or gives some completely over the top show of ineptitude as an answer.
characters need names. giving them more personality is a must. you have to be able to see exactly what their places are immediately for this to be funny. job/office hierarchy is reversed from ability/sanity hierarchy. you have to know that intuitively for it to be funny to the audience. this is all in the delivery and performance/direction of the sketch.
the boss needs to come off as a COMPLETE MORON. this is the entire sketch.
itguy2: dude what's the problem? did you lose at tetris again?
itguy1: no, ass. some of us do ACTUAL work around here.
2: sheesh it was just a joke. what is your problem?
1: i just got ANOTHER complaint about disapearing user profiles
2: thats 5 today. i think we have a hacker on our hands
1: looks like its a 'deleto'
2: oooh. you better go tell (pause for effect) 'the boss'
cut to the closed door of the boss' office (the door just says "the boss" in black letters)
1: are you kidding? do you remember what happened when Todd told him the copier went down 2 months ago?
cut flashback of a third IT guy going into the office of the boss, the door opens and white light and smoke can be seen coming from the opening. he steps inside and the door closes behind him. -short pause- then screaming, perhaps that of a child. the door opens and slowly IT guy 3 comes back out. his face is locked in a horrified stare. his pants are soiled with his own urine. without saying a word he walks into the corner and begins pounding his head against the wall. cut back to ITguy 1 and 2.
2: wow yeah. todd was never the same...
1: he pounded his head against that wall for 3 straight hours.
2: why did we wait so long to stop him again?
1: he was covered in his own urine!
2: oh. right.
1: it wasnt until he started bleeding that I braved the pee-pee
2: we should really consider calling the maintenance dudes to clean that massive blood stain off the wall...
pan to HUGE blood stain, clearly brown and aged on the wall.
2: alright, so we have to take on this deleto hacker ourselves?
1: thats right. let's do this.
2: aw man... that means we have to do WORK stuf--
1: --I SAID LET'S DO THIS! (pumps a fist into the air)
montage - flashes of the two ITguys typing furiously at the machines, ITguy2 sprays water into ITguy1's mouth, back to typing, flash to them eating pizza as if nothing is wrong looking at each other then suddenly throwing the pizza into the air and running to their respective desks, back to more typing, flash to ITguy1 looking over at ITguy2 to see him scream in torment and then lean over to a garbage can and puke into it. ITguy1 stands, runs over to ITguy2 and holds him up
1: wow, you need a break!
2: (panting) no. ive almost got it!
1: but at what expense?
2: (panting less) i just had too much pizza. i cant stop. i have to beat this score...
1: it's ok, i can do this alo-- wait. beat WHAT score?
itguy1 looks at ITguy2's screen to see he has been playing tetris the entire time
1: what the hell is this?
2: i was gonna help, but the siren-song of my russian mistress is just too seductive!
1: UGH! (pushes ITguy2 back down and goes back to his desk) i'll do this... (pause cut to closeup of ITguy1's eyes) myself!
2: (off screen as ITguy1 types) aww you pushed me back into the puke! its everywhere! this is my best work shirt!
ITguy1 types for a very short amount of time and then looks horrified
1: oh no... he... he got the entire file server. all of those profiles... just... gone! it looks like i have no choice now. i have to tell the boss, and get what's coming to me...
as he stands, a new email message comes through and he reads it - 'oh hay, sorry i was deleting some stuff from the server and it looks like the exchange server went down, plz go to the server room and reboot it kthxbai. signed, da Boss'
1: no. NO... it can't be... it can't be deleto couldnt be...
ITguy1 runs to the door of the boss and pushes it open. There he finds the boss sitting in a dark room with multiple monitors and keyboards on his desk. he is wearing sunglasses and humming the 'mission impossible theme' aloud to himself. Itguy1 turns on the lights
1: BOSS? YOU'RE deleto?
theBoss: (takes off his sunglasses) oh hey. i accidentally deleted some stuff that we need. i couldnt really see which files they were through these sunglasses, but the looked so damned cool, i had to keep em on. so you have to work overtime to restore it. k? thanks bye. (wave's him off, puts back on his sunglasses, starts humming again and then sings the words) i'm a leet hacker!
ITguy1 stands stunned for a moment and then lets out a blood curdling scream, and soils himself. without moving his horrified face from the screaming position, he turns and walks out of the boss' office, walks toward the blood stain in the corner, and begins pounding his head on the wall. ITguy2 gets up and wipes his mouth off
2: well That issue is resolved. back to doing whats really important here (plays more tetris)
credits roll to the song 'like a boss' by lonely island
END
edits - at the end of the montage, whtn ITG1 is trying to stop the hacker, he pulls the plug in an over the top, herculean show of force to stop the damage the hacker is doing, instead of the hacker taking down the entire system.
when ITG1 goes into the boss' office, after the discovery is made, he asks the boss "why are yo doing this?" the boss either looks at him blankly, or gives some completely over the top show of ineptitude as an answer.
characters need names. giving them more personality is a must. you have to be able to see exactly what their places are immediately for this to be funny. job/office hierarchy is reversed from ability/sanity hierarchy. you have to know that intuitively for it to be funny to the audience. this is all in the delivery and performance/direction of the sketch.
the boss needs to come off as a COMPLETE MORON. this is the entire sketch.
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