Cold Opening Sketch

[MAN WORKING FURIOUSLY THROUGH FILES ON HIS DESK, APPROACHED BY BOSS CARRYING AN ENORMOUS, STAINED NET SACK]

BOSS: Here you are, your week’s commissions. As you

requested, paid in crabs

[SALESMAN PEERS INTO SACK]

SALESMAN: You’re two crabs short

[BOSS STUTTERS ANGRILY]

BOSS: You barely peered into there!

SALESMAN: And I saw that you were two short

BOSS: 25 pounds of crab off the banks of Lake Erie.

Killed them all with a mallet I bought at Costco,

screw you and your ‘two short’!

SALESMAN: I sell my insurance policies like everyone else at

this agency. Three weeks ago I started, after 11

years with the firm, to request to be paid in crabs, at

which time you registered no complaint

BOSS: As my heavily tattooed teenage daughter can tell

you, my stunned silence does not equate agreement

SALESMAN: Yet with the exception of the first week where I had

to explain to you the difference between a crab and a

very large spider, you have paid me promptly and

with proper attention for changing market value.

Are you now saying there’s a problem?

BOSS: Yes there’s a problem!

[BOSS’ VOICE REACHES AN ANGERED SCREECH]

BOSS: I’m covered in pincer scars! My wife thinks I’m out

having kinky sex all day. And if I’m going to have

to deal with the wife yelling at me all day about

kinky sex, I’d like to be having me some kinky sex.

But I’m not. You know what I’m doing instead?

SALESMAN: I have an idea…

BOSS: I’m out foraging for crabs! On hands and knees,

reaching into crabholes!

SALESMAN: Well, I’m out there every week bilking people out

of their hard-earned money for kooky policies that

they’ll never collect on. No one’s really ever going

to need lawnmower insurance

BOSS: That’s your job! You signed up for this!

SALESMAN: Oh no! This isn’t what it was like when I first came

on. You got me out there selling policies that only

pay out if you drown in your own shower, if you

drown in the bathtub, you’re out of luck!

BOSS: Boo-hoo, I’ve lost fingernails!

SALESMAN: Who drowns in a shower? Who?! Terry Schiavo

couldn’t drown in a shower…and she probably tried!

My quadriplegic grandmother couldn’t drown in a

shower, and believe me, I’ve tried!

BOSS: The other people who fish crabs, crabfishers?

crabdiggers? crabbers?

SALESMAN: Crabgrabbers

BOSS: Crabgrabbers, right. Those crabgrabbers aren’t

happy with me out there stealing their crop. They

slashed my tires, kidnapped a dog—not my dog, but

still--, and they threw crab bait on my daughter at her

volleyball practice. Do you know what they use as

crab bait?

SALESMAN: No

BOSS: Neither do I, but it’s impossible to wash out of hair!

SALESMAN: So why do it? Why pay me in crabs if it’s quickly

ruining your life? I’ll tell you why, because I’m the

best damn salesmen you’ve got. I’m singlehandedly

keeping this office afloat. And ever since I’ve started

getting payment in crabs, you’ve been making even

more money, and that’s the reason you’ll keep doing

it. Because I’m just too damn good.

BOSS: How? How do you do it? How do you sell such

mindless and pointless policies? What’s your

secret?

SALESMAN: Old people. I sell to poor, uneducated, barely

cognizant old people.

BOSS: So simple, yet, so brilliant. But why crabs? Why so

many friggin crabs?

SALESMAN: That…is a secret I will take with me to my grave

[LAWYER ENTERS]

LAWYER: Richard Templeton!

SALESMAN: Ah, Christ

LAWYER: I see that you remember me, I represent the firm of

Portsmouth, Portsmouth & Schamus, Attorneys at

Law. I represent a Ms. Shamu, who reports that

you're behind on your alimony payments

SALESMAN: This is all a misunderstanding, as you can see the

payment is prepared in full right there

[SALESMAN POINTS TO SACK, AND LAWYER GOES TO GATHER IT]

LAWYER: Looks one or two short here

SALESMAN: The weight is right

LAWYER: Better not be any spiders this time

SALESMAN: Like she can tell anyway

LAWYER: We’ll talk

[LAWYER LEAVES]

[PAUSE]

BOSS: Divorces are tough

SALESMAN: Yeah, about the only thing that cheers me up, is

selling insurance to old people. I knock on their

door, introduce myself and say ‘Live from New

York, It’s Saturday Night!’

Blackouts

Continuing my transition from absentee would-be contributor to sustaining lifeblood of the blog, I am now posting a little exercise I was assigned for my class. These are just a few very short scenes that typically have one joke, and are referred to in the biz as 'blackouts'. The first blackout in this collection, has quickly assumed the title of "Piece I am Most Proud of Writing in My Entire Fucking Life."

(Scientists, observing a large group of people sleeping for a study)

Scientist #1: To think, when they wake up, they’ll all be cats

(two farmers watching their livestock graze)

Farmer #1: Do you think the animals can…you know…understand us sometimes? How we’re feeling?

(beat)

Farmer #2: That would explain the restraining order

(two men, and a woman in business attire)

Woman: You were right

Man #1: No, you were right

Man #2: No, no you were right

Woman: Hey now! In a way, we were all right, but what we really need to focus on is making sure that Jim be the last client we eat.

(two men, and a woman in business attire. Woman is very stern, clearly angry with the men)

Woman: I was very clear…was I not?

Man #1: You were.

Man #2: Very clear, yes.

(beat while Woman exhales angrily)

Man #1: On a positive note, we didn’t eat him nearly as fast

(two men, one brings out dinner to the other)

Man #1: Oh my God! Look at that! It’s fabulous! What a delicious looking meal! Just from smelling it I can immediately discern that is was cooked slowly with the most extreme amount of care in the most delicate and succulent spices! A man would pay 400, no! 500 dollars for such a meal! Yet here I have it presented before me in the most ornate manner! A king I tell you! This is a meal fit for a king!

(pause as they look at each other)

Man #1: How was that?

Man #2: It was pretty good

Man #1: Did I sell the dish? Because I’m making a lot of noise, but I want the focus to be on the dish, I’m selling the dish. I don’t want the gaze on me, I want it on the dish

Man #2: You sold the dish

Man #1: So that’s good, right?

(beat)

Man #1: Right?

Man #2: Yeah, but I still think Cheryl is going to notice that we lost her kid.

(Man breathing hard and clutching bloody hand in obvious pain, other man watches him expressionlessly while holding bloody scissors)

Man #1: (slowing his frantic breathing so that he can speak) Why?

Man #2: (Slowly shrugs)

(Wife and husband eating dinner, wife is obviously displeased as she eats, husband watches her pensively)

Husband: Did I burn the fish? I worried that I might have

Wife: No, you didn’t

(continue eating)

Husband: Did you find a bone? I know you hate bones, and I thought I had picked them all out—

Wife: There aren’t any bones

(continue eating)

Husband: What about salt? Did I use too much?

Wife: No, it’s not burnt, there are no bones, it’s not salt, or anything obvious like that. The way in which you’ve completely fucked up this fish is more subtle than I could ever hope to articulate. So, drop it.

(continue eating)

Husband: Oh.

(continue eating in silence)

Husband: (trying to be cheerful) Well, what about the potatoes?

Wife: They’re burnt.

(Two people observe a painting on the wall)

Person #1: It’s beautiful

Person #2: Hopeful, uplifting, a wondrous tapestry

(pause as they gaze)

Person #1: Almost makes me forget we’re trapped in here

Shitty Alternative Brian Urlacher Monologue That I Had to Write for Class

Out of Stage Monologue

[URLACHER ENTERS STAGE TO APPLAUSE AND BAND MUSIC, STUMBLES AND FALLS ON STAIRS AND STAYS DOWN. BAND MUSIC CUTS OUT AS BILL AND JASON RUSH OVER TO URLACHER, HELP HIM UP]

BRIAN: I’m alright! I’m alright! I just…I just…oh god this

hurts like hell

BILL: Brian, you’re hurt man, let us get you offstage

BRIAN: No, no, I can get through it

JASON: I don’t know Bill, he doesn’t look good. I think we

gotta shut him down

BRIAN: I CAN PLAY GUYS! PUT ME IN!

[BILL AND JASON LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY]

BILL: We’ll leave you in for a few jokes, but if you seize

up, we’re pulling you

[BRIAN NODS GAMELY, JASON AND BILL EXIT]

BRIAN: Alright, how’s it going folks? I’m really excited to be

here. Last time I was in New York it was for a game,

but now we’re here to play some funny games, heh.

That’s actually the name of a movie where two guys

break into Naomi Watts’house…then they torture the

crap out of each other.

[JASON AND BILL EXCHANGE NERVOUS GLANCES]

JASON: Brian, you sure you’re okay?

BRIAN: I’m good guys, I’ll play through it. Alright, so how’s

uh, everyone doing? I got a lot of phone calls from

my, uh, friends about doing the show, and they were

all like…’Hey man!....Good luck!’ So….uh…..

Alright guys, come get me, I need help

[BILL AND JASON RUSH IN AND CATCH BRIAN RIGHT BEFORE HE COLLAPSES, AND CARRY HIM INTO THE BACKSTAGE AREA, PASS THE DRESSING ROOM, AND ONTO A TRAINING TABLE, WHERE HE IS APPROACHED BY ANDY DRESSED AS A DOCTOR INCLUDING AN OLD-TIMEY REFLECTOR STRAPPED TO HIS HEAD]

ANDY: Alright, what’s his status?

BILL: He fell down the stairs, and then showed signs of humor paralysis

ANDY: Alright, let me…examine

[ANDY PUTS ON LATEX GLOVES]

BRIAN: Wait, that’s not a doctor. It’s Andy in scrubs!

JASON: Don’t worry, he’s in character for a sketch

BRIAN: In character? He’s still not a doctor!

ANDY: I’ve been researching my role for the Naughty

Optometrist sketch for three days

BRIAN: I thought we cut that sketch

ANDY: We did.

[BRIAN LOOKS NERVOUSLY AS BILL, JASON, AND ANDY EXCHANGE KNOWING LOOKS]

ANDY: Tie his arms!

BRIAN: Wha?

[BILL AND JASON QUICKLY LASH BRIAN’S ARMS TO THE TABLE BEFORE HE CAN OVERPOWER THEM. ANDY BEGINS TO EXAM BRIAN BY RUBBING HIS ARMS WITH NO SENSE OF ORDER, MARKING RANDOM PARTS OF HIS BODY WITH ‘X’ MARKS]

ANDY: Hmm…

JASON: What is it, Doc?

BRIAN: He’s not a doctor

ANDY: It’s just what I feared. He’s broken his funny bone

BRIAN: My humerus? My arm? I don’t think tha—

ANDY: No silly, your funny bone. The bone that controls your

ability to be funny.

[PULLS DOWN SHABBY LOOKING MEDICAL DIAGRAM OF THE HUMAN SKULL THAT SHOWS A LARGE BONE RUNNING THROUGH THE HUMAN BRAIN WITH ARROWS POINTING TO IT, AND CHILDLIKE SCRAWLING OF ‘FUNNY BONE’]

BRIAN: Did you draw that yourself?

ANDY: With my ability to look through his head, I have

determined that Brian has broken in 14 places. If

left untreated, the pieces will transform into funny

cancer.

BRIAN: Funny cancer?

JASON: How long will he be out?

BILL: Yeah, will he be back for the playoffs?

ANDY: With a broken funny bone, I’ve got to recommend

that he sits for the whole show

BRIAN: Come on! I fell on my head, botched a few jokes,

but I can go! Put me in……I need the money.

JASON: You’re broke?

BRIAN: I spend a lot of money on cheese

BILL: Come on, Doc! We need him in the show, he’s a

playmaker!

ANDY: Excuse me! I am not going to risk the medical

license and stethoscope I found in the trash by

letting him go in, with a broken funny bone

[JASON AND BILL PULL ANDY ASIDE]

BILL: C’mon man, people pull this all the time

JASON: Yeah, Eddie Murphy snapped his funny bone in half

on the set of Nutty Professor II nine years ago, and he

still suits up all the time

BILL: You let Michael Phelps go on stage, and he didn’t

even have one

ANDY: That was different! He’s hurt! Everyone saw him

get hurt!

JASON: At this point, everyone is playing hurt. Kenan’s

been going all season with a sprained laugh ligament,

Seth’s comedic timing is all messed up, and Kristen is missing her spleen

ANDY: Alright…he can go, but he’s going to be brutal

BRIAN: I can go back in?

BILL: Yeah, but you’re not going to remotely amusingly

JASON: Only sheer will is going to be able to pull you through

this

BILL: Rely on your other skills

BRIAN: Ok…let’s go

ANDY: Let’s do this

[ANDY, BILL, JASON, AND BRIAN JOG BACK ONTO STAGE TO APPLAUSE AS BRIAN RETURNS TO HIS SPOT AT CENTER, AS JASON, ANDY, AND BILL BACK HIM UP]

BRIAN: Sorry, about that folks, I was just backstage uh…I was

uh…beating up these three nerds for their lunch money.

[JASON, BILL, AND ANDY EXCHANGE SOME MORE NERVOUS GLANCES]

BRIAN: Um…uh…have I mentioned how much I love cheese?

[BRIAN BECOMES MORE UNSETTLED DUE TO THE SILENT RESPONSE]

BRIAN: Uh…well…I’m Brian Urlacher! Start laughing or

I’ll rip your faces off!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS IN NERVOUS RESPONSE AS STAGE HANDS HOLD UP APPLAUSE SIGNS THAT ARE MODIFIED TO READ ‘LAUGH OR BE KILLED’]

BRIAN: Now applaud!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSES]

BRIAN: We got a great show for you tonight! Taylor Swift

is the musical guest, and we’ll be right back

[PAN OVER TO BILL AND ANDY]

BILL: Do you really think he can get through this show with

a broken funny bone?

ANDY: Sure, though I’m not positive that’s what he hurt.

He might just have an extremely severe concussion

I Try My Hand at Writing an SNL Opening Monologue

I started the sketch portion of my writing class today as the sole holdover from my session 1 class so far. We were called upon to attempt to write an opening monologue tonight, with the idea that we will write an entire SNL show over the course of the class. I chose my host to be the recently injured Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, over my other ideas of Taylor Swift with the cast constantly interrupting her monologue by taking her microphone, M. Night Shymalan with every bit ending with an implausible plot twist, or Samuel L. Jackson with an alien fetus in his stomach (so that he's the host, and A HOST! Oh!) Anyway, here goes...

(Urlacher appears on stage in a quite noticeable wrist cast)
Urlacher:
Thank you, thank you. It's good to be in New York. I've had a lot of free time recently, so when they offered me the chance to come out and host SNL, I jumped at the the offer. It's been a little dull for me since the injury, sitting at home and all. The team is in New Orleans tonight, and I wish them well, Go Bears. But really I'm happy to be here. Most would see preparing all summer and going through training camp just to dislocate your wrist on opening night on national television against your arch rival as something that's tough to get over, but for me, it's been like one long four month vacation, or perhaps longer than that if the guys make the playoffs...without me. In fact, I recently went on vacation just to unwind and leave the game completely behind. I went to Aruba and I got a few pictures from the trip that I'd like to show you. Of course we went out to catch the nightlife (Picture of Urlacher with prominent wrist cast, sipping an umbrella drink while sternly watching the Bears on a TV in the bar), we hung out on the beach (Urlacher sitting in a beach chair under and umbrella wearing a prominent wrist cast, sternly watching the Bears on a TV he brought out onto the beach), and I even found time to cool off with a relaxing dip in the pool (Picture of stern looking Urlacher with his prominent wrist cast attempting to bring TV with Bears game into the pool while panicked swimmers try to dissuade him). So, as you can see I've really had a blast, I barely even remember that I'm injured half the time.
(Andy and Kristen run up playing with a football and giggling)
Andy:
Hey Bri-man, what's up?

Urlacher:
Hey Andy and Kristen, I'm just finishing up the monologue

Andy:
Yeah, that's awesome Bri-man, we were thinking once you were done, you could come and toss around the old pigskin with us

Kristen:
Yeah, show us how a man plays football

Andy:
I play with you all the time, Kristen

Kristen:
Yeah, you do.

Urlacher:
Guys...I would love to, more than anything, but, my wrist...you know I injured my wrist

Kristen:
You can't play just because of your wrist?

Urlacher:
No...it's completely dislocated

Andy:
That blows Bri-man, I'd be totally bummed if I couldn't play football. Well, see you later.

(Andy and Kristen depart)

Urlacher:
Anyway, as I've been saying, I've been having a blast all this week-

(Lorne Michaels, sporting some bruises and holding what appear to be gambling receipts, enters)

Lorner:
Hello Brian

Urlacher:
Hey Lorne, what's going on?

Lorner:
Everything's fine Brian, you're doing a heckuva job hosting the show tonight

Urlacher:
Well thank you Lorn--hey what happened to your face?

Lorne:
Wha-uh-I fell onto a 2 x 4 someone was swinging. But forget about me, how are you? Was the food in the green room good?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, it was delicious

Lorne:
Good, good, and the shower? Was it warm?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, thank you for asking

Lorne:
Did that masseuse come to see you?

Urlacher:
Oh yes, that was an amazing massage, thank you

Lorne:
Good, great, what about the pedicure?

Brian:
Um, it was unnecessary, but still yes, good, thank you

Lorne:
Alright, we've got a charter flight set up to get you to New Orleans right after the show, but make sure you get some sleep on the plane. We gotta get you well rested for the game tomorrow

Urlacher:
Oh, well, I'm not playing tomorrow

Lorne:
You're what?

Urlacher:
I hurt my wrist, remember? I'm out

Lorne:
Oh....

Urlacher:
Are you ok? You look pale

Lorne:
Um, fine, I'll be fine.....I just need to call Armando

Urlacher:
Armando?

Lorner:
Yes, yes, everything will be fine if I just swing a double or nothing on the Lions

Urlacher:
The Lions?

Lorne:
Do you have anything that could be used as collateral?

Urlacher:
Um....

Lorne:
Something shiny?....Nevermind, Keenan has a pair of pliers, I can get him to pry out my gold tooth. Keep up the good show, Brian

Urlacher:
Uh, ok, well I hope everything works out ok. We have a great show--

(Bill creeps on stage)

Bill:
Psst

Urlacher:
Uh...

Bill:
Psst, Brian!

Urlacher:
What Bill? I'm doing a monologue!

Bill:
I got some football themed porn! 'Tight Ends and Wide Receivers 5: Starring Joe Namath', let's go in the back and check it out

Urlacher:
I can't Bill

Bill:
Come one, man, this is primo-material

Urlacher:
Bill....I can't (gestures toward wrist)

Bill:
Oh...ohhhhh....say no more (slinks offstage)

Urlacher:
Soooo.....yeah, we got a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is performing, we got some great sketches coming up after the commercial break.

Essay on gay gay marriage

Freshman year, I wrote a "researched argument," which is like a research paper, except arguing for something, which I'm pretty sure isn't a thing so much as a "pointed research paper," but I chose to do it on gay marriage since I could interview that cuntbucket "Professor Emeritus" Charles Rice, whom I would describe as a "molest-y grandfather type." This paper began with an extended metaphor about a guy living in a society where everyone drove blue cars, and they wouldn't let him buy a green car, because why the hell should he want a green car?

My professor loved it, but he was a giant pustule filled with dickhead, so I choose to go with my gut instinct and say that that metaphor was long, stupid, and completely beside the point. From the fucking beginning, anyone who saw the title, which probably had something to do with gay marriage, or maybe "Fuck Catholicism," I can't remember, and then started reading about blue cars, would know exactly where this was going, and would roll their eyes in exasperation that I'm choosing to score a cheap, stupid point instead of saying anything that had any substance.

I was thinking of writing a similar essay, mainly because I'm reading a book of essays right now and I'm in the essaying mood, and therefore thought back to this hideous abortion of an introduction. It suddenly occurred to me that I could begin with a similarly belabored metaphor: maybe we're talking about a group of penguins, here...and maybe all the penguins sing, but one penguin, maybe - just throwing this out there - maybe this one penguin wants to dance, instead, but none of the other penguins want him to be able to! The last line would be: "The penguins then found out that one of the other penguins was a faggot, so they killed him."

It occurs to me that not only is this a funny surprise ending, but actually kind of substantive! Well, at least more substanstive than the fucking green car metaphor, because it declares that homophobia can transcend all other issues, and is a deeper hatred - do whatever the fuck you want, but screw the wrong person, and you're fucking dead.

Thoughts?

(N.B. - (what I'm reading has nota bene's all the fuck over the place, which has gotten me into the habit of doing so) I tried it both ways, one with "faggot," the other with "gay." I feel that "faggot" has more punch, but am worried that it would be viewed as offensive. More thoughts?)