New Story

Okay, so this is part 1 of what would essentially be a 2 part story. Or, rather, chapter.

http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AaVdUNN9mLKSZGRzcDY4Z2ZfMTRka2ZwN2c5Yw&hl=en

This is basically the last idea I currently have kicking around my head, or at least the last idea that would be posted on the blog. I stopped it at kind of an awkward place, transitioning between part 1 and part 2 (you can probably figure out what part 2 consists of).

So, give me your thoughts. Basically, all I'm worried about is if it's funny or not. It's too early in the story for me to worry about characterization and shit, since they're all kind of crazy, anyway. Natalie, in particular, comes off as the kind of romantic-comedy, webcomic "disapproving, mature female" versus the "child-like, whacky boys," which isn't really what's going on, and in fact will be a running joke that they've set the bar so low that Natalie comes off looking competent in comparison. Not only that, but the setting, like Discworld, is intentionally being left vague and weird - mainly because I'm not interested in world-building.

Also, if you're interested, it was in developing this idea that I first came up with Octopus Jesus and Bloodfuck as the name of a novel, so both those ideas belong in this world, primarily.

Product Placement Is Enjoyable

The assignment for my class this week was to write a sketch set in a late night talk show. Our parameters were fairly limited. I initially wrote a sketch depicting a replacement guest host for Letterman on his last day before Letterman returned, with the basic premise of everyone involved with the show having either quit trying or completely rebelled against the inept guest host. After my sister Angela informed me that it 'wasn't very subtle' and 'seeing everything coming from a mile away makes it less funny'. So I whipped up this bit about Letterman undergoing a policy change. This sketch originally went on for another half of a page, but my instructor is big on snappy endings. While I feel like the sketch doesn't really conclude itself like the way it used to, it definitely ends on a crisper note.

No More Commercial Interruptions

(Letterman appears at his desk)

Dave: Welcome back. It would appear that I neglected to make an announcement that possibly would have been better suited for the first 37 minutes of the show, because it concerns how The Late Show is changing forever. That advertisement just now for Raid: Bunny Repellant is the last of its kind, because the Late Show will never break for commercial again.

Paul: No breaks? Ever again?

Dave: Never again. Marketing research shows that viewers hate commercials. It breaks the flow of the show, tempts viewers to browse other stations which hurts our ratings.

Paul: Yeah, but, advertisers provide money, they pay for the show, and give us free t-shirts

Dave: This is by no means the end of advertising, and certainly not the end of free t-shirts, instead ads will now become integrated into the programming completely

Paul: Integrated? Like advertisements for white and black people?

Dave: No, I mean-

Paul: And Mexicans?

Dave: I mean that advertisements will become part of the show, we will integrate them into our routines.

(beat)

Paul:….um….white and bl—

Dave: No Paul, I mean that whenever possible we are to refer to products that we are advertising in conversation. In the course of our banter, we talk up products that are our sponsors, they are listed on the product sheet you were given before the show. This list (holds up sheet of paper with list of names).

Paul: This? (finding his own product list) I thought this was a song we were performing later tonight

Dave: When has the band ever been allowed to play a full song during the show?

Paul: During the commercial breaks—

Dave: That have just been cancelled forever

Paul: So how do we earn our keep?

Dave: I will show you. We make regular references to products on the list while still performing our show, which will now include about a half hour to forty minutes more stage time for all of us with no increase in pay. But for example, our guest on the show tonight is the young star of the Chicago Blackhawks, Patrick Kane. Domino Sugar has provided customers with the best pure cane sugar for over 100 years

Paul: I don’t get it

Dave: Don’t get what?

Paul: You were talking about the show, and then you started talking about sugar, and I don’t know why. It was confusing.

Dave: I was integrating an advertisement into the show. Let’s do it again, in the normal banter of the show. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Paul: Well, uh, I’m worried about the lack of the commercial breaks…when am I going to take a piss?

Dave: Worried about when you’re going to take your next piss? Buy a pair of Depends. Depends: Hedge your bets.

Paul: You think I should wear Depends?

Dave: No, I just took the opportunity to make a pitch for one of our sponsors based on the topic of conversation

Paul: So I get paid to mention companies on this list, at seemingly random times

Dave: The less random it seems, the better

Paul: What about the rest of the band?

Dave: Over the next few weeks, the network will be determining whether having a full band, rather than just having Paul inexplicably standing next to a keyboard, is worth paying five men who have no tangible function

Paul: Oh.

Dave: Speaking of tangible functions, Toshiba has a six-function universal remote on sale at Radio Shack right now for only $12.99

Paul: Um…(realizing the opportunity to take part)…yeah, Radio Shack is awesome

Dave: Good one, Paul. Let’s bring on our guest Patrick Kane. Patrick Kane everyone!

(Kane enters oblivious to the events, good-naturedly grinning)

Dave: Hello, Patrick. Welcome to the show.

Patrick: Thanks, Dave. It’s great to be here

Dave: You’ve been in the news recently

Patrick: (immediately made nervous) Uh…maybe…season starts in a few months

Dave: I know I get all my news from slate.com. Unbiased, easy-to-use, I love slate

Patrick: Uh…

Paul: S-L-A-T-E, SLATE!

Patrick: Are we doing a spot right now? My publicist didn’t tell me about anything

Dave: So I was reading slate—

Paul: Great site, great site

Dave: And I read that you were involved in a little brouhaha the other night over a cab fare

Patrick: Uhhh…did you guys talk to my publicist at all?

Dave: Before I get in any cab I calculate the fare with an app on my iphone, that way there is never any confusion

Patrick: Hey, we had the right fare amount, that wasn’t the issue

Paul: IPHONE IS MY PHONE!

Patrick: He’s making me a little uneasy

Dave: A little more tact Paul. Patrick, did you injure your hand at all punching the cabbie in the face?

Patrick: I—I-have deep regret for what-um-it’s a complicated-um…my cousin drinks and—

Dave: Because the first time I bought a Louisville Slugger and held it in my hands, I knew my days of physical assault with my bare hands were over

Patrick: Well, that’s not anything I’d ever be interested in…though I have heard good things

Dave: For my money, or for yours, dear viewers, when you need to show a service provider that small mistakes make large lacerations, there’s no better purchase than a Louisville Slugger when you need a point to really hit home

Paul: Yeah, right in the face!

Patrick: Um, can we change things up a little bit? I just opened up a stadium for kids in my native town of Buffalo—

Dave: Wild wings? Sir, do you have any idea what kind of deals those people have on wings on Tuesday nights? It’s insane

Patrick: Well, um, I do love BW3’s

Paul: I once ventured to a place. A sole location shining with warm, beautiful welcoming light that shone throughout a desolate wasteland filled with beasts, wizards, and Jews. I had been wandering through it for months with nothing other than a penknife and a headband that recorded my memories, not a shred of clothing laid on my bare sunburned and pockmarked flesh. Near death, and parched beyond reason, I dragged my wearied carcass toward this oasis, and with my last bit of strength forced open the glass doors that separated me from salvation. I founded myself bathed in heavenly wonder and brightness. Three sirens wearing all black gathered me into their breasts, and lifted me to a gilded throne of happiness. They prepared for me endless libations until I was drunk not only with lust for these tender maidens, but from having consumed somewhere between 13-97 beers. I dined on the succulent and delicately seasoned flesh of holy calves slain in the most pious fashion. Satiated beyond measure, I relaxed in my throne of worldly delight and gave my most genuine and raucous applause, as I watched none other than the New York Mets defeat the St. Louis Cardinals, 4 to 3. The place I ventured to, was Buffalo Wild Wings.

Dave: Wow, was it a Tuesday?

Paul: Yes, it was

Dave: Nice

Patrick: I think I have to go

Dave: You know, when one is on the go—

Patrick: Stop, stop right there

Paul: Stop! In The Name of Love, and other hits by the Supremes can be yours for just $14.99 plus shipping and handling if you call 1-800-BUYTHISTHING

Patrick: Alright, I think, that we should wrap things up, I don’t know when the next commercial break is coming, but—

Dave: It’s not coming

Patrick: That’s disturbing

Dave: This interview goes on for another 29 minutes, which is way more time than you’ll need to complete the perfect ab workout

Patrick: I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know! I’m getting the hell out of here and on to my United flight home

Dave: How dare you! United Airlines sponsors the Jimmy Kimmel show!

Patrick: I’m out of here! You’re going to hear from my publicist!

(Patrick flees in a panic)

Dave: (resigned, slumps into his chair) That young punk, ruined what could have been a good spot for Southwest. What do we do now?

Paul: The band could play a song

Dave: Pfff, you guys don’t know any songs

Maybe a radio commercial

"Hey, kids! Meet the LUNG BROTHERS. They're so bored cooped up in your chest all day - but the fun never stops when their friend NICKY TEEN comes over. With Nicky Teen, every day is a party. Nicky Teen comes in cigarettes - your lungs will never want to be alone again!"


I am determined to get kids hooked on cigarettes - then I'll move onto the harder stuff.

Former Janitor Advice Column

Hey, so this was something I entered in a writing contest, now that I've officially lost I can post it up here. The premise was advice from a former high school janitor. That was my summer job for a while.


A Former Janitor Sprinkles Sawdust on the Mess That is Your Life
by Dan Young

Former Janitor Dan,
I have been dating my current girlfriend for about three months now. Things seem to be going pretty well, but I’m worried that I might not be able to satisfy her intellectually. What should I do?

-Ryan


Well Ryan, if this was about eight years ago and I was still a janitor I would point out that you are probably a gay homosexual. A real man only worries about trying to satisfy his girlfriend sexually not intellectually. Yakkity yak-yak talk time is for chumps, wussies, guys who are whipped, and floor scratching communists. I had just waxed that floor. Besides, a man can never keep up with a woman intellectually. It’s not that they’re smarter, they just have an unfair advantage.

You see, every month for three to five days a woman has their special lady time. During this magical time, she is in fact in communion with her dark lord and master, Satan. The devil uses this time to whisper forbidden secrets into your girlfriend’s ear. He tells her stuff that sounds really fancy and will always make her sound smarter than you. Then he mentions everything you did this week that would make your girlfriend angry, even though you’re a grown ass man and who you go drinking with and how much you spend at strip clubs is your own damn business. Hell, he even gives her forbidden knowledge so crazy powerful that it makes her hoo-ha bleed. You just can’t expect to keep up with some one who has all of that going on so don’t even try to be her intellectual peer.

But fortunately, dear reader, I’ve grown as a person since then. My days as a janitor long behind me I’ve learned a few simple truths. Firstly, the “special lady time” described above is in fact a process called menstruation. It is a completely normal part of the reproductive process in healthy females. You see, women are born with a set number of eggs or “ova” and they ovulate about once every 28 days releasing one egg from their ovaries, sending it towards the aforementioned “hoo-ha”. If this egg is not fertilized it, and several other odds and ends, are removed from the body. The process is fairly unpleasant both for the woman involved, and perhaps more noticeably for everyone around said woman. At no point does the woman commune with any supernatural beings, granting her an advantage over you.

I think it is admirable that you want to satisfy your girlfriend on an intellectual level. It shows that you care and could be the foundation of a very healthy and happy relationship. First you will need to build your confidence. Find a subject that your girlfriend is passionate about and study up on it. Read a book, look up a few articles online, and watch any relevant documentaries you might be able to find. If nothing else I’m sure your lady friend will appreciate the amount of effort you’re putting into her interests.

Then, with that sturdy foundation in place, kick things up a notch. Learn so much that you actually surpass your girlfriend, thus winning the relationship. We’ve established that she isn’t involved in any supernatural pacts so it is possible to get ahead of her. Do what she didn’t have the stomach for. Summon whatever minor god, demon, sprite, devil, or what have you and enter into a Faustian pact of your own. Forbidden knowledge in hand, enter into a long and rewarding relationship with your soul mate.

Good luck.

Not Really What You Wanted

So after taking a week off with a ridiculous illness that he never explained, my instructor says we should take a break from the two-liners, to focus on a longer script for a late-night show, which I shall post later in the week. In the mean time, here's three two-liners I worked up today and a fake commercial I wrote in class from our instructor simply giving us the prompt of "I saw an ad for Real Estate school today on the bus, and it seems ridiculous for people to be entering real estate school in this economy. Write a fake ad." So I did, but first the two-liners.

Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane was arrested for helping his cousin savagely beat a 60-year old cabbie who was 20 cents short in giving the men their change for their fare. The Blackhawks, stunned by the incident, immediately offered Kane's cousin a three-year contract.
(The Blackhawks are a hockey team. I thought I'd mention that for James' benefit.)

Clifton Williams was sentenced to 6 months in prison for contempt of court for yawning during the sentencing of his cousin, who had plead guilty for a felony drug charge, for which he was only receiving probation. This imbalance in judgment comes as a surprise only to those not familiar with the judge's outspoken support of Chicago Public Schools' "Stop Kids From Dozing Off in Class By Spiking Everything They Consume with Cocaine" initiative.

US, Mexican, and Canadian leaders are meeting for a summit in Guadalajara, Mexico, but this meeting between the friendly neighbors is occurring during a very strained time for the three nations. President Obama has expressed concerns over the human rights violations carried out by the Mexican Army in their long, bloody war with the drug cartels, while Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is on the record stating "OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO!?!?!? I'M GOING TO DIE!!!"

I almost forgot, there was a joke in class we were called upon to workshop, so here's 3 punchlines I worked up for this one premise.

A Chicago area company that converted strands of Ludwig Von Beethoven's hair into diamonds, will soon use the same process on the hair of Michael Jackson.
-While the owner of Beethoven's hair diamonds sold them to become fabulously wealthy, all the jerricurl spray that was used on Jackson's hair in the 80's will leave the owner to merely be 'hood rich', and only 'ghetto fabulous'.
-Pristine, white diamonds, which will then be swallowed whole by Jackson's long-time friend Elizabeth Taylor
-Jackson family members claim that "this is what Michael would have wanted," which is what they would say, because that family is nuts.


Fake commercial
(Professional woman in cliche red real estate agent blazer)
Looking to start a career that you can use to become fabulously wealthy and achieve your dreams? Are you tired of your current job and want to move to a fast-paced, never boring industry where hard work pays off big? But mostly, are you looking for a career that won't really be viable for another 7-10 years? Then now, yes now is the time to enter real estate school!
The real estate market is dead, deader than Michael Jackson. But just like Michael, it's due to rise from the dead, provided that you're willing to wait 7-10 years. Here at Pyramid Real Estate Academy, we're looking to enroll and instruct highly motivated self-starters, who are looking to dive into what should be a fast-paced market in 7-10 years. We've already educated thousands of people just like you who are well on their way to starting phenomenal careers in 7-10 years. Here are some of them:

(Cut to garbage man riding on a truck, truck stops and he gets off. Begins to pick up bags and toss them in truck while talking)
I was bored as hell at my job, real bored. Tossing stinky trash around, hanging on the back of a truck clearly made in Detroit, working with scary minorities like Reggie here (gestures to co-worker), I needed a new career. But honestly, I could go at my current job for another 7-10 years, which is why I chose to get my real estate license now! So it will expire by the time I need it.

(Cut to suburban housewife baking cookies in the kitchen)
I have four kids, a mortgage to pay, and a real need to earn money first. Or at least I will in 7-10 years. That's why I'm enrolling in real estate school to give myself the ability to support my family when my husband dies in 7-10 years.

(Cut to man on dialysis at his refrigerator eating from an enormous tub only labeled as 'Custard')
Why join real estate school and wait till the market comes around in 7-10 years when any doctor worth his salt says I'll be dead in 3 weeks? I'll tell you. I just need a good reason to--

(Sudden cut back to host)
I could give you tons of testimonials of why people are rushing down to Pyramid Real Estate Academy, but you don't have forever, you only have 7-10 years to get your license, and probably only 6 years after that before the market bottoms out again. Haha, in this deregulated world, why should your life choices be any less random than the disastrously drastic lurches of the housing market? Come to Pyramid Real Estate School, located right across the street from the world renowned Pyramid Fake Estate School.

New Sketch - Bjork

(Carl and Ben are standing together)

Carl - Hey, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben - I'm Bjorking.

(pause)

Carl - Well, um, that's not something you can do.

Ben - What isn't?

Carl - Bjork. It's a proper noun. You can't "bjork," as if it's an action.

Ben - Sure I can.

Carl - It's not a verb.

Ben - Of course it is!

Carl - It's someone's name!

Ben - Well, yeah. And then I grammartized it.

(pause)

Carl - I'll give you that one, if you can tell me what it means to "grammartize" something.

Ben - I think it should be pretty self-explanatory, Carl.

Carl - Fine, whatever. So, what does it mean to "bjork," Ben?

Ben - You know.

Carl - I most certainly do not.

Ben - You know. Bjork. Bjork bjork.

Carl - Repeating a word three times is not a definition. Explain to me how you can "bjork."

Ben - I think it should be pretty self-explanatory, Carl.

Carl - (frustrated) She's a singer! From Europe! What the hell are you talking about? Are you singing like her? Are you jamming to her songs?

Ben - Oh, I see what the problem is. You are shackled by your comprehension of what Bjork is.

Carl - Oh, so she's not a European singer?

Ben - Carl. Carl, Carl. Carl, Carl Carl.

Carl - Stop that.

Ben - Bjork - it's a state of mind.

Carl - What state?

Ben - ...the Bjork one.

Carl - Goddammit, Ben.

Ben - What you need to learn is that we each, every one of us, have a bit of Bjork in us.

Carl - Do you even know her songs?

Ben - I know "Ninety-nine red balloons."

Carl - And that's it?

Ben - Yes. You don't need to listen to Bjork music to understand Bjork, Carl. You need to accept Bjork into your heart.

Carl - What does that even mean?!

Ben - You see, some people - like you, for instance - think that you can know of Bjork simply by "listening to her songs" and "looking her up on wikipedia." But Bjorkosity doesn't care what you "know." It doesn't care what your knowledge is, or how many albums you own. Bjork...is.

Carl - Of course Bjork is. She's a singer, and even if I don't listen to her, she's singing. Somewhere.

Ben - Bjork is inside each and every one of us.

Carl - Oh, god. You're thinking of a religion.

Ben - ...Maybe.

Carl - So what does accepting Bjork entail?

Ben - Well. You hate the Protestants, and your priests rape kids -

Carl - That's Catholicism.

Ben - What?

Carl - That's Catholicism. You're thinking of the Roman Catholic Church.

Ben - I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Carl - Maybe Opus Dei.

Ben - What's Opus Dei?

Carl - A breed of Catholic.

Ben - Oh, no, no, no, no. Bjork. You know, Bjork. Hey, Jeff! Jeff's coming. Maybe he can help you accept Bjork better, Carl.

(Jeff enters, hopping)

Jeff - Bjork!

Ben - How are you today, Jeff?

Jeff - Bjork, bjork.

Carl - Fuck this, I'm outta here. (Carl leaves)

(pause)

Jeff - Bjork?

Ben - He's a heretic, Jeff.

Jeff - Bjork!

Ben - I think you know what must be down.

Jeff - Bjork.

(end)

More Desk Pieces, Not Quite as Good

Dear (Host of Show),- Host reads letters that are portrayed to be letters from regular watchers seeking life advice for a variety of outlandish problems. Running gag will be host searching for his new letter opener (sword, lighting the envelope on fire, bee bee gun, he can't find the letter opener so he opens it with his teeth). Host calls upon bizarre nature of his upbringing to give unusual advice, (Craig Ferguson often talks about 'In Britain we do things differently...if this host from say Topeka, Kansas, he would say something like "Like most children from Topeka, Kansas I was educated by an enormous benevolent snake, and that snake told me once..." Another running gag would be one of the letters being from a daughter he abandoned back in his home town pleading for him to return home, which the host hastily skips through after reading just enough for the audience to realize the joke.

Latest Pyramid Scheme The Host Has Bought Into- Host gives sales pitch to undesirable product or investment that he has recently bought a large quantity of or staked the show's financial future on. Sales pitch can vary from host attempting to sell a line of cosmetics that he displays by applying them to his own face, tries to sell an assembly-required motorcycle by showing how easy to assemble himself, or perhaps an enormous mystery box

What's In The Host's Pocket?- Host scrounges through pocket and uncovers random items and is forced to give explanations for what he finds. Examples: urine sample ("All late night hosts have to get tested since they busted Steve Allen for Human Growth Hormone back in '59), atm receipt for $800 withdrawal at 3am, ("Addiction is a horrible thing, and makes you take drastic actions. Whether it be cigarettes, cocaine, or in my case, super deluxe custard cream pies, sometimes you just need your fix), long-haired red wig ("I star as Ariel in an off-broadway musical production of The Little Mermaid").

I really hate writing desk pieces, and I really was just trying to get through these. I riff off things, not create formats. This is shit.

Oh, god no

So, in a recent post, Bill pointed out how similar my Malthus Kale story was to Firefly. I defended myself, thinking that the main similarity was in Malthus and Mal's names. Upon further reflection, I realized how similar they were.

Malthus and Charlotte - a guy and a chick with a dark past. Charlotte is basically the poor-man's Zoe - I realized I even was starting to make her violent in the story, with her whole shotgun-thing, even though I hadn't planned that out in advance.

David Abbot, being a supernatural psychopathic ace-in-the-hole, is the poor man's River Tam.

I still don't feel that I was ripping off Firefly, and more that I was just pulling from the same template, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Fuck it! I'm trashing it all!

Desk Pieces

I was assigned this week to come up with desk pieces, which are essentially running gags that the host of a late-night show could do. Examples would be Letterman's top ten lists, Leno's newspaper misprints, etc. This was weird, because I have to conceptualize avenues on which to transmit the funny, not just make the funny. So here are some ideas.

New Religions- From the desk the host produces a poster that has a picture of new religion's church, mosque, synagogue, etc., produces the name of the head of the religion, and describes a major tenet of the religion, whether it's something they worship, or a particular break from a major religion that they have.
Example: A new radical sect of Islam that agrees that the pig is a filthy animal, and that is why they must instead eat as much pork as possible so that the pig will eventually not exist. Followers submit to stop work five times a day to sit on a picnic blanket and eat spare ribs, some extremist groups commit terrorist attacks against Piggly-Wiggly stores. The leader of the religion is secretly the CEO of Chili's


Books Recently Banned/New Bestsellers in (Different repressive country each week)- Host pulls up a pile of books that can either be a pile of books that is all banned books, or a mixture of banned books and best-selling books in a particularly repressive country (China, Cuba, All of the Middle East, etc). Titles can be both real and made up
Example:
Afghanistan- Bestseller: The 72 People You Meet in Heaven
Banned: Riding in Cars with Boys

Cuba- Bestseller: Pitching 101
Banned: Sailing 101


Hottest Ticket in Town- Host reveals ticket to most popular event in cities around the world that are pertinent to current news or events. Ticket Price and event details listed on ticket.

Juarez, Mexico: Ticket to soccer game that offers partial refund if a member of the home team is executed by cartel prior to kickoff. Also a stub can be redeemed for one free Tecate if lumps from mass unmarked graves under field noticeably alters play. Cost is 35,000 pesos

Elkhart, Indiana: Host simply holds ticket number indicating place in bread line. Cost is dignity.

Tehran, Iran: Ticket to opposition protests against corrupt election results. First 5,000 attendees are in a lot of trouble. Cost is civil rights.

Phoenix, Arizona: Ticket to Phoenix Mercury vs. Atlanta Dream WNBA game. First five in attendance receive game jersey, team socks, sneakers and 2-3 plays designed specifically for them over the course of the game. Cost is $10.

Los Angeles, California: Ticket to see Michael Jackson's grave actually be dug. Shovels are first come, first serve. Dirt is on sale for $750 a granule while supplies last. Cost is $150,000.

Beijing, China: Ticket to speed dating night where there are rumored to be 3 women for every ten men. Cost is one male child.


I still need to come up with three more. I feel like concentrating and coming up with something decent will be better than pumping out three for the sake of keeping it in one blog post.

An Excuse That Would Not Fly in High School

In preparation for the revelry of this past Saturday night, I packed a handle of tanqueray into my backpack. At some point in the evening, the bottle began to leak out across the backpack and all of its contents, including my notebook for my writing class. The value of the comedy blog is enormously inflated now, as it becomes the savior of all my ink smeared work. To start the recovery, here is this week's set of two-liners.

A new walking and talking robot from Japan with a female face that can smile is set to make its debut at a fashion show. It has already been spotted in a bathroom jamming its rotating, lifting, and grabbing component down its facial depository slot, and ejecting up circuits in a last ditch attempt to fit in its dress before the show.
(This is a re-write that I did of a not so good joke a fellow classmate did, his punchline was something more along the lines of, 'Damn! That's creepy!')

Northbrook resident Sean Kelly's honeymoon is delayed after he was arrested at his wedding where he became heavily intoxicated, initiated a brawl with the family of his bride then, in plain sight of the police, opened a trunk filled with with six guns and ammunition, all of which were illegal because Kelly had his gun license revoked months ago. However his wife defended the man she had just chosen to be her husband, claiming that while Kelly was not without its faults, he always managed to put the toilet seat down.
(Trite, I know. In reading it aloud, I would emphasize all the dumb bullshit the guy did, because Good God, is he ever a moron. This joke is also gin-damaged, which is my real excuse)

A new sleeping survey reveals that napping frequencies are for the most part static for adults, from age 18 to to age 80. After a subject reaches 80 years, naps count instead as 'practice deaths.

Over 30,000 rubber ducks were launched into the Chicago River for the fourth annual Windy City Rubber Ducky Derby. Nowadays "rubber" ducks are actually made of polyvinyl chloride processed with phthalates that are known to cause birth defects, which made it all the more alarming when the river's toxicity level dropped 12 percent.
(Have you seen the Chicago River? They barely need to do anything to dye it green for St. Patrick's Day)

The government is suspending its "cash for clunkers" car exchange program for fear that they will soon exhaust all of their $1 billion rebate reserve. As of Wednesday, 22,782 outdated and dilapidated vehicles have been brought in for rebates, a total that includes every car GM has sold this year.

Sarah Palin fans, yes Sarah Palin fans, are worried because the former Alaska governor has not posted on Twitter for an entire week. When asked about her absence, Palin declared "I'm looking to effect change from outside of Twitter, where I will not be forced by the Twitter bureaucracy to connect my words to specific thoughts, or limit the numbers of characters in my head to 140."
(My favorite part of that joke is taking a moment to say, "yes, there are Sarah Palin fans, and this is stupid.")

The CTA has discontinued use of two vehicle washers after a worker contracted legionnaire's disease, a bacteria infection that is fatal in 5 to 30 percent of cases. However, the CTA is more concerned about the far deadlier mold growing in the seats, carcinogens in the fuel exhaust, and whatever the hell the guy next to you just sneezed into your macchiato.
(Once again dissing the Chicago Public Transit system, I failed to come up a way to properly address how absurd it is that a worked got legionnaire's disease from the device that CLEANS the buses.)

President Obama is confident that the economy is finally coming around, saying "Eventually, business will start growing again and will start hiring again." The president went on to say "And then we'll all ride to the beach on hover-scooters made of cherries, we'll go-go dance to the Bee Gees, and me and Glenn Beck will be bestest friends," before opening his suit to reveal a t-shirt that read 'Groove is in the Heart', opening an umbrella, and then slowly floating away into the clouds.
(I wrote this joke kind of knowing it would drive my instructor crazy, instead of making one snappy joke, I make 8 at once. The economy is fucked, and it would only be a wacky scenario where Obama is simultaneously a lonely child who loves disco, secretly wants everyone to like them, is an effeminate gay man, and also Mary Poppins. 'Groove is in the Heart' by Dee-Lite is of course an anthem of any gay pride parade. James should download it now.)

Scott Toberman, the man who once wowed Chicago city planners with his proposal to build an 112 story condominium that would have become the new world's tallest building, pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges for stealing more than $1 million from clients. "It's a good thing we never carried out his plans, it'd be a shame to have a building in Chicago that's a monument to corruption and crime," said Mayor Daley from City Hall.
(Get it? GET IT?)

The Illinois State Government is drastically cutting back service programs in an attempt to be able to pay back the $3.9 billion it owes to health care providers from last year. Health Insurance companies are doing their part to cut back as well, the blue cheese stuffed inside of olives, placed inside of martinis at corporate retreats this year will have bits of bacon in them where there were once diced polar bear toes, which executives have lamented to be "equally delicious, but sadly not quite as evil."
(The toes of a polar bear, diced into little bits, then placed inside blue cheese that is stuffed inside of olives that are served into martinis, while the fucking state goes under forever. Man, that is evil.)

Joe Biden spoke at the National Urban League Convention at Chicago's McCormick Place and urged minority business owners to be assertive in securing their share of federal stimulus funds. Barack Obama offered to attend himself but the Urban League was hesitant to stray from its time tested formula of patronizing keynote speeches given by aging, out of touch, and noticeably uncomfortable white politicians.
(I really like making fun of Joe Biden, and I can't really justify it. He's funny.)

Two Ohio police officers are being charged with conspiring to steal items from the surrogate mother of Hollywood couple Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. Speaking from the crime scene, Special Prosecutor T. Shawn Hervey said that while he was disgusted at the actions of the officers, "the notion that a woman injected with the sperm of Ferris Bueller himself once stood over the very same bidet that I stand next to right now, frankly has me a little star struck."
(The story wasn't silly enough, I had to inject the joke that they would steal a damn bidet.)


That's it for two-liners, I'm still working on my other homework.