Aaaaaaanyway, these are the last three sketches I slapped together, with some blackouts in the middle. The first is my response to the assignment that we write a sketch using an existing recurring character used in SNL. It was further stressed that the character be a current one, meaning we couldn't just fall back and use something from one of SNL's flat-out good periods. After hours of combing through various Kristen Wiig characters that it's hard to imagine that anyone actually writes for, I found that Bill Hader had 2 sketches where he played Vincent Price hosting a holiday special. 2 = recurring, haha! To get a good idea of what I'm replicating here, check out the original two sketches.
The original: http://www.hulu.com/watch/1446/saturday-night-live-vincent-prices-thanksgiving-special
and the follow up:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/41410/saturday-night-live-vincent-prices-halloween-special
The strengths of both are when Hader doesn't simply slip into being the straight man, and delves into the wackiness that portraying a 50's horror icon allows. Though critiques that all of her outlandish characters start to get tiresome, Kristen Wiig has two batshit nuts portrayals in each sketch that are flat-out amazing, with the ending rant she has as Judy Garland in the first probably pushing it ahead as the better sketch. For me, the best line of both comes in the second sketch, where Hader as Price tells Fred Armisen playing Liberace to "Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars." Which disappointingly does not get a laugh from the SNL audience. My instructor hinted at this, and it really shows here, that SNL is bad BECAUSE it is encouraged to appeal to the lowest-common denominator. When it makes jokes that cleverly hint at the nature of gay culture in the repressive 1950's, it receives no applause. When Jon Hamm as James Mason just looks straight into the camera and says 'vagina' purely for the sake of saying vagina, the audience erupts in laughter. Both these sketches are allowed to devolve into 1950's Celebrity Jeopardy and are rewarded for it with warm applause. I love Celebrity Jeopardy, but these sketches should have become something different, as they had the potential to. SNL is roundly criticized for deteriorating quality, but when a show is regularly rewarded for embracing its most unimaginative habits, what else is there to happen? The same joke about celebrities behaving poorly is not going to be funny 20 years after you started making it. I can't really say that my sketch deviates from the formula, but then again, it wasn't suppose to.
Recurring Character Sketch
[SHOT OF TV LAND LOGO WITH ‘VARIETY VAULT’ UNDER THE TITLE]
FRED(v.o): You’re watching TV Land! God Bless ya for it
[TITLE OF ‘VINCENT PRICE’S SHABBAT SPECIAL 1959!’ FLASHES UP]
FRED(v.o.): And now, U.S. Steel presents; Vincent Price’s Shabbat
Special! Please welcome your host, the most malevolent
mensch, Vincent Price!
[BILL HADER AS PRICE APPEARS LIT ONLY BY TWINKLING SHABBAT CANDLES IN HIS HAUNTED MANSION]
BILL: Greetings viewers! You have voyaged through fire and
brimstone in the dark reaches of hell to be with us tonight
at my…eh…Shabbat? Special. Ugh, we’re really targeting
some niche audiences tonight, aren’t we? Regardless!
Shabbat is a tradition commemorating the events of creation
described in the book of Genesis, when the heavens and
Earth were created, where before the world was a shiftless
mass of darkness and mud. Some say the holiday originated
through observations of the movement of the mystical
planet Saturn, others base it on the lunar cycle, the same
schedule upon which perhaps a vicious werewolf might
emerge from the dark hills of doom!
[INSERTED WEREWOLF HOWL NOISE IS PLAYED]
BILL: Perhaps a hellish beast of murder stirs even now. But
Tonight! We celebrate Shabbat with some of our most
esteemed and famous friends. Do I hear a rapping on my
chamber door?
[RANDOM SCRATCHING FOLLOWED BY A HEAVY COUGH IS HEARD]
BILL: Perhaps my guest might wish to knock with a little more,
how do they say? Chutzpah?
[MUTTERING IS HEARD BEFORE A VOICE IS HEARD]
JASON: Vin, you better open this damn thing before I put my foot
up your—
BILL: Ok! Ok! Let me open the door for my guest and welcome
him onto this live broadcast, on national TV!
[BILL OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL JASON AS DRUNK MICKEY MANTLE WITH ABBY ELLIOTT AS UNKNOWN FEMALE ACCOMPANIEMENT]
BILL: Why it’s my good friend, baseball star Mickey Mantle
everyone! The Mick himself!
JASON: Yeah, yeah, you don’t really care, do you?
BILL: Why, I don’t know what you mean Mickey. I think if
anything, the appearance fee we paid shows how thrilled we
are to have you
JASON: You think I care about that? You think that’ll make me
happy?
BILL: Mick, did you go drinking and visit your father’s grave
again?
JASON: I don’t have ta-uh…put the socks…um…friggin midgets
BILL: Heh, yes. Why don’t you introduce me to your guest? Is
this your lovely wife Merlyn?
JASON: No
BILL: A friend, perhaps?
JASON: No
BILL: Well, who is she Mick?
[JASON TAKES LONG, DRUNK STARE AT ABBY]
JASON: I donno. She’s awful friendly though
BILL: Goodness me! Do I hear the welcome reprieve of a new
guest? Something? Can we cue the next guest? Anything?
Are human beings employed here?!?!?!
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
BILL: Ah yes, a new set of weary travelers seeking rest and solace
in my enchanted abode
[BILL OPENS DOOR TO REVEAL WILL FORTE AS JIMMY STEWART AND KRISTEN WIIG AS GRACE KELLY LOOKING GIGGLY AND UNSTABLE]
BILL: My good friend Jimmy Stewart! And a surprise—is that—
Grace Kelly!?!? What are you doing here? I’m surprised
that your husband the Prince let you sneak out of Monaco.
For Shabbat, no less
[KRISTEN GIGGLES AS IF POSSIBLY STONED, AND PUTS A FINGER TO HER LIPS]
KRISTEN: Shh! Shh! (whispering) He doesn’t know I’m here! I
snuck out during the christening of one of those kids I had
BILL: Does he not have guards following your every move?
WILL: H-h-he does, that where I came in and I, and I, and I, that’s when I cracked them both over the head with this framed picture of me punching Henry Fonda in the face. A-a-a-and I’ve been jetsetting across the continent with this dizzy broad ever since
BILL: Oh my
KRISTEN: I had to get out, it’s beautiful in Monaco, but their reefer
just doesn’t cut it
BILL: Jeepers! You’re smoking on the set?
WILL: N-n-not me, Vinny, I don’t touch the stuff. Wh-wh-wh-wh
It gives me a stutter
BILL: I can only imagine. Well we’re happy to have the both of
you, even if it means war with France
JASON: France?! I-I been to France…lotta queerbags…I mean…a
Lot
` BILL: Mickster! I say we leave the social commentary to Edward
R. Murrow
WILL: Murrow? If that commie S.O.B. was here right now, I’d-I-d
Oh…
[WILL CLENCHES FISTS ANGRILY]
KRISTEN: Mellow out big man….take a hit
BILL: No! No, no, no, no, no! This is a holy time…on national
Television
[JASON LOOKING AROUND CONFUSED]
JASON: Where are we…is this Ebbets field?
BILL: No, Mickey…we’re in Burbank
[JASON STAGGERING AROUND, LOOKS AT ABBY AS IF SEEING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME]
JASON: Hey sugar, they call me the Mick…you know what that
rhymes with don’t ya?
BILL: You know, I didn’t think I would ever say this but-, maybe
we'd have been better off booking Yogi Berra. Moving
along! To help us explore the wondrous ancient traditions
of Shabbat is notable Jew, Sammy Davis Jr!
[KENAN THOMPSON AS SAMMY DAVIS JR STEPS OUT WITH HIS SIGNATURE MANNERISMS WITH A YAMUKAH, THE BOOK OF TORAH, AND A LIT CIGARRETTE]
KENAN: Is everyone ready for Shabbat, baby?
WILL: Whoa! Is that the janitor? Vinny I didn’t even hear them
call cut
BILL: Jimmy, this is Sammy Davis, he’s here to help us perform
the traditional Jewish rites of Shabbat
WILL: Jewish! And Black? Well, you’re just a world of trouble
aren't you?
JASON: I got with a black and a Jew when the team was playing in
Pittsburgh last month…two different people though
KRISTEN: I scored this reefer from a black Jew
KENAN: That was me, dammit
WILL: That is it, this is by far the worst special we’ve ever put on!
I don’t even know what you people could possibly do to
irritate me further
ABBY: Today’s my 15th birthday
BILL: Alright, that’s a wrap, clear the set, we’re done. For good
KENAN: But what about Shabbat?
BILL: Oh, you know I don’t care
So here are some blackouts. The first is meant to be kind of surprise ending, but my instructor wants me to re-write it as a cold-opening, where its obvious who the 'host' is from the get.
More Blackouts?
(Host of a show and their writing staff)
Host: (flipping through pages) Puns, puns, puns…limericks?! What the hell?!?! Is this the best you can come up with?
Writer #1: You’ve cut the writing staff to the bone! How are three writers supposed to fill an hour worth of material five days a week?
Host: An hour of material?!!? There’s not an hour here, between the monologue and my first guest there’s 12 ½ blank pages!!! What the hell!?!!?
Writer #2: Oh yeah, the printer shorted out while we were running it off, and then the security guard for the network chased us away again. Said he’s gonna call the cops next time
Writer #1: We really need our own printer
Host: Tough! You know damn well the wife is bleeding me like a leach
Writer #2: What about dancing? You could just dance around, dance with the audience, hell, even just dance on a table to kill time
Host: Dancing? You shittin me? This isn’t some throwaway daytime play hour where we mug for the camera and act like special needs 10 year olds, this is the Ellen De-Fucking-Generes show!
(Two men sitting in chairs with their arms behind their backs)
Man #1: At what point do we make the transition from “Victims of an amusing Halloween-themed prank” to “Kidnapped, and trapped in the basement”?
Man#2: Another week
(Three men digging, they strike something solid and pick up a chest, open it, revealing it to be treasure, they all cheer excitedly)
Man #1: Fellas, this a great thing we’ve done, but we have to be careful
Man #2: Whaddya mean, Sammy?
Man #1: Well DeeWayne, money like this does something to ya. It changes ya. It digs between men. Men who once drank from the golden chalice of brotherhood will soon be at each other’s throat for a greater share. We gotta lay ground rules of how we’re going to carry ourselves and treat one another
Man #2: Sammy, we’re way ahead of ya
Man #1: Well, wuddya mean, DeeWayne?
Man #3: We decided long before we even started, that we would kill you first
Long Full-Cast Piece
[BILL HADER AS A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH LOOKING OUT TO THE FIELD WITH ANDY SAMBERG AND BRIAN URLACHER SITTING ON THE BENCH, SOUNDS OF FOOTBALL BEING PLAYED]
BILL: Come on, you losers! I can’t believe this is the only school
the court would let me coach at
[WHISTLE BLOWS AND PLAYERS HEAD TO SIDELINE INCLUDING KENAN THOMPSON, JASON SUDEIKIS, BOBBY MOYNIHAN, SETH MEYERS, FRED ARMISEN, WILL FORTE. JENNY SLATE AND ABBY ELLIOTT SHOW UP AS TEAM MANAGERS, BRIAN AND ANDY WALK UP AS WELL. KENAN REMOVES HELMET WITH ALARMING AMOUNTS OF STEAM COMING FROM HIS HEAD, WILL PROMPTLY VOMITS INTO A BUCKET PROVIDED BY JENNY, ABBY DUTIFULLY BEGINS PACKING ICE INTO VARIOUS PARTS OF KENAN’S UNIFORM]
BILL: Well, boys, that was the worse first quarter of football I’ve
seen in 18 years of coaching for high school, college, the
NFL, the Minnesota penal league, and the church of
Scientology
FRED: Maybe we should get away from our passing game, no one
really wants to catch the ball after Will yaks on it
JASON: Yeah, can we do it in a way that avoids snapping the ball to
Will altogether, or perhaps putting him on the far side of
the field away from everyone else?
SETH: Or could we just give him some Pepto Bismol
BILL: You think? You want to run the ball? May I ask who’s
going to block? That was the third straight play where
Kenan fainted, and if you’re not aware, Bobby is fat and
stupid. Vomit and all, Will is the best player we got right
now
[WILL VOMITS INTO HIS BUCKET]
BILL: Still getting sick, Will?
WILL: Yeah, coach
BILL: Still nervous, Will?
[WILL VOMITS AGAIN INTO BUCKET]
WILL: Yea, coach
BILL: It doesn’t help you that, virtually no one is here?
WILL: No, coach
KENAN: Can I get the next play off? Or two? Or eleven? I don’t
know if you know this, but I have issues with fatigue, best
evidenced by the little white girl who is insulating my
entire body with ice
BILL: I sympathize, but who would replace you? I’d suit up and
go in myself, but there are three FBI agents with their rifles
trained on me as we speak preventing me from doing so
BRIAN: Hey coach, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job or
anything, but, maybe I could help. I know you’ve never
played me, and make me practice by myself in the locker
room. But we’re down 40 points already and I work out
seven hours a day, maybe you could give me a chance?
BILL: What’s a matter, Urlacher? Is the sale at Bloomingdale’s
over? You know, the one for women’s underwear?
BRIAN: Pardon?
BILL: You’re a girl…I’m not playing you, sit down
ANDY: What about me, coach?
BILL: You don’t still have rickets do ya?
ANDY: No coach, I ate a bunch of gogurt and it cleared right up, so
can I play?
[BILL THINKS FOR A MOMENT]
BILL: Hell no, sit down
[BILL TAKES OUT MARKER BOARD AND STARTS TO DIAGRAM A PLAY]
BILL: Alright, we snap the ball to Will, at which point he will
most likely vomit.
WILL: Feels like it’s coming BILL: By then two full seconds will have passed since the start of the play, meaning Kenan will have keeled over, hopefully
landing on three defenders in the process, if you can
KENAN: With the weight of all the ice in my crotch, I may not make
it out to the field
BILL: Well, the defenders will hurtle over Kenan’s body, and into
the pile of puke, causing them to slip, and by then, Seth,
Fred, and Jason will have executed the needlessly
complicated series of handoffs and laterals to one another
that we have tried to run for the last nine plays in a row.
Let’s go team
[COLLECTIVE GROAN IS HEARD AS PLAYERS HEAD OUT ONTO THE FIELD, WILL VOMITS IN BUCKET THEN HEADS OUT, KENAN IS VISIBLY CLUTCHING HIS CHEST AS HE HEADS OUT. PLAY STARTING IS AUDIBLE]
BILL: Come on! On top of the other team Kenan! Stop eating
the grass Bobby! Alright, run Seth! You can make it!
[SOUND OF BRUTAL HIT, A HELMET FLYS ACROSS THE SET ALONG WITH BLOOD SPLATTER AS SETH IS HEARD SCREAMING IN PAIN]
SETH: Oh god! My spleen!
BILL: Come on, Seth, shake it off there buddy
SETH: There’s blood in my lungs!
[TEAM GATHERS BACK IN TO HUDDLE WITH BILL, JASON AND FRED DRAG A PASSED OUT KENAN TO THE SIDELINE AND PLACE HIM DOWN, WILL VOMITS INTO HIS BUCKET, AND ABBY BEGINS APPLYING ICE TO KENAN’S FACE]
JASON: Coach, I really don’t want to be a thorn in your side, but
perhaps, considering the fact that one of our linemen
appears very near death, and yet another appears to have a
sub-50 IQ, maybe we should try something less slow-
developing
BILL: Nonsense, it’s not the scheme, it’s the execution
FRED: All due respect, coach, we just saw Seth get turned inside-
out, and strangled with his own skin
BILL: Good point. Andy, you’re in
ANDY: Oh boy! What round is it?
[ABBY AND JENNY BEGAN TO START PERFORMING CPR TO REVIVE KENAN ON BACKGROUND]
JASON: Hey, coach, while we’re at it, why don’t we give Brian a
chance?
[SHOT OF BRIAN DOING UPSIDE-DOWN HANDSTAND PUSHUPS]
FRED: I mean, he’s just over there…doing impossible exercises
BILL: No way, Urlacher?! The only thing I’m calling in Liberace
for is if I need my garter-belts adjusted for my Rita
Hayworth Halloween costume
[A STARE IS GIVEN AT BILL, WILL EVEN LOOKS UP FROM VOMITING, BRIAN GLANCES OVER FROM HIS EXERCISES, KENAN EVEN COMES TO, TO STARE AT BILL]
BILL: It’s ironic. You have to see it.
WILL: Coach, I really think we should put Brian in, at least on
defense. I once saw him tackle a Honda Civic
JASON: I once threw a Frisbee onto my roof, and Brian jumped onto
the roof in a single bound. Then he reshingled it, and gave
me an illegal free cable hook-up
FRED: And he’s dating every girl in the school
BILL: Is this true?
JENNY: Yup, all of us
BRIAN: Hey, what’s up Jenny…and Abby…and Mrs. Meyers
[KRISTEN WIIG APPEARS AT THE EDGE OF THE SET, WAVING SUGGESTIVELY]
KRISTEN: Mmmm…go team
BILL: This is all very revealing, but it doesn’t change the fact that
Brian turns tricks for money, and has no toes
BRIAN: I’m not very sure about these things…about myself…being
true
BILL: Alright, enough of this. Andy, you’re in. Same play again
[LOUD GROAN RISES UP, WILL VOMITS, KENAN IS AWOKEN WITH SMELLING SALTS AS FRED AND JASON START TO DRAG HIM BACK OUT, BOBBY PUTS HIS HELMET ON BACKWARDS]
BILL: Guys, wait! Add one more lateral to the play
[VERY LOUD GROAN BY ENTIRE TEAM]
WILL: Aw jeepers!
[WILL VOMITS. BRIAN WALKS UP TO BILL]
BRIAN: You know, I was all-state at my old high school
BILL: Yeah, in New Mexico. What’d you do? Tackle Native
Americans while they sold turquoise jewelry?
BRIAN: That’s offensive. I sometimes feel that you don’t take my
opinions into full consideration
[SOUND OF PLAY OCCURRING, VOICES SCREAMING OFFSCREEN]
JASON: No Bobby, it’s me! Stop biting me! Stop!
FRED: My knee! My knee! That guy ran off with my knee!
[ONCE AGAIN A HELMET FLYS ACROSS THE SET AND BLOOD SPLATTERS]
BILL: Oh…that sucked more than usual
[BOBBY AND ANDY TROT UP DUTIFULLY, WILL CARRIES HIS BUCKET UP AND VOMITS IN IT, JASON DRAGS A WOUNDED FRED, KENAN’S UNCONSCIOUS BODY ROLLS UP TO THE SIDELINE]
BILL: How’s the knee, Fred?
FRED: Ugggh, ugggh, oh god
BILL: What was that?
JASON: It’s pretty bad, he can’t do anything on that leg
BILL: Alright, take him out back and shoot him
FRED: What!?!?!?
BILL: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m falling back to when I used to coach
horses. Take him to the training room
ANDY: I think we should put Brian in now
BILL: Why?
ANDY: Well, someone seems to suffer a near-fatal injury each play,
The more people we have out there, the lower the
probability that I die in the next two minutes
BILL: I don’t like all your math right now Andy
FRED: Please…put Brian in….it’s my dying wish
BILL: I really feel like the team is starting to gel, I don’t want to
break the team’s rhythm, when we’re just putting things
together. Come on guys!
[WILL VOMITS, KENAN TRIES TO SPEAK]
KENAN: Please…put….in….Br-br-….
[KENAN PASSES OUT AGAIN]
BILL: That doesn’t count, he didn’t finish
BRIAN: I just want to help coach. Give me one chance
JASON: We’re out of options coach, we need somebody to play
WILL: We don’t have anyone else left
FRED: Please!
BILL: You’re right, we are out of options…only one thing left to
do. Brian!
[BRIAN PERKS UP]
BILL: Give me your helmet and pads!
BRIAN: What?
BILL: Nothing left to do, I’m going in
[BILL STARTS TO GET IN UNIFORM]
JASON: What? Nooo!
BILL: Time to reclaim the glory days! Screw you feds!
[BILL RUNS ONTO FIELD AMIDST SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE]
BOBBY: This sucks
BRIAN: It’s still better than Chicago
[JASON DRAGS FRED BACK ON THE FIELD, ANDY AND BOBBY TROT OUT, WILL VOMITS INTO HIS BUCKET THEN JOGS OUT, KENAN ROLLS BACK OUT]
Short Full-Cast Piece
[CAST SITTING AROUND WITH BRIAN URLACHER TELLING THEM A STORY]
BRIAN: So at that point, I’m carrying three guys on my back and I’m
still running at full speed to throw one of the guys I’m
carrying on into the running back when—
[LOUD THUD IS HEARD]
JASON: Oh no
[LOUDER THUD IS HEARD TWICE]
ABBY: Oh no!
[EXTREMELY LOUD THUD IS HEARD THREE TIMES]
ANDY: Oh noooo!
BRIAN: What is that noise, it sounds like Godzilla
KENAN: Worse! It’s Ellen DeGeneres!
[STEEL DOOR IS SENT FLYING OFF THE HINGES ACROSS THE ROOM TO REVEAL A FUMING WITH RAGE ELLEN DEGENERES]
ELLEN: It’s Ellen De-Fucking-Generes. Y’all bitches better
recognize
[BRIAN STRIDES UP TO HER]
BRIAN: Wow! Ellen! I’m a big fan. It’s great that you stopped by.
I’m hosting this week, heh, maybe you give me a few
pointers
[ELLEN GRABS BRIAN’S INJURED WRIST AND SNAPS IT VIOLENTLY, BLOOD SPURTS OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN, SPRAYING ALL OF THE CAST INCLUDING ELLEN, WHO IS STOIC IN HER RESPONSE. BLOOD WILL REMAIN SPRAYIN G IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. WILL PAUSE FOR A MOMENT AT ONE POINT, THEN RESUME AT FULL FORCE]
ELLEN: What’s up!? What’s going on, fellas? Y’all having a
show? Is that what this is? Did Ellen tell you that you
could have a damn show?!? Did she?
[ELLEN MENACINGLY APPROACHES WILL FORTE]
ELLEN: What about you? Did I give your honky ass permission to
do anything besides clean my platinum-plated panini maker
with your tongue?
WILL: Uh…no?
ELLEN: That’s right, now go outside and make sure no air blows on
my car, I swear if one bit of air gets on it, you’ll be
gumming down fudgsicles after I knock your teeth out with
a lugwrench
WILL: Um….
ELLEN: Now, bitch! I’ve been here 47 seconds…where’s my damn
latté?!!?
[MIRACULOUSLY BOBBY AND NASIM ARE ALREADY OUT WITH A LATTÉ AND A CHAIR FOR ELLEN TO SIT IN. ELLEN SITS DOWN AND LIFTS FEET UP]
ELLEN: Ottoman!
[BILL HADER SLIDES IN UNDERNEATH AND SERVES AS HER FOOTREST WHILE QUAKING IN FEAR. ELLEN SIPS COFFEE]
ELLEN: Needs more RUM in it!
[ON THE WORD ‘RUM’ ELLEN SLAMS COFFEE MUG ON BOBBY’S HEAD, SPILLING COFFEE AND MUG FRAGMENTS EVERYWHERE]
ELLEN: Bring another!
[BOBBY LAYS UNMOVING]
ELLEN: Well…he’s unconscious…someone else!
KRISTEN: Stop it! Stop it! You can’t do this! You’re not God! You
can’t just command us like this!
[GLARING, ELLEN RISES FROM HER CHAIR, VIOLENTLY KICKS AWAY BILL, WHO YELPS IN PAIN. ELLEN MENACINGLY STRIDES TOWARD KRISTEN]
ELLEN: Oh yeah, you going to stand up to me? Like you something
[FRED WALKS UP WITH NEW CUP OF COFFEE, ELLEN MASHES HIM IN THE FACE AND KNOCKS OVER THE BURNING COFFEE ONTO HIM]
ELLEN: Every few years another one of you pops up. You think
cuz you’re thin, white, and make a bunch of jokes about
being awkward and going to Target that you can replace
me? See what happens, see what happens when you try to
step to me. Meg Ryan tried to step to me, I put her
grandma down a garbage disposal, Calista Flockhart came
to me, now that ho ain’t got no skin. You think you can
talk stuff because I’m not God? I’m Ellen Degeneres, I
killed God and threw his kids down a well, you going to
stand up to me?
KRISTEN: Yes
ELLEN: Yeah?
KRISTEN: Yes
ELLEN: Yeah?
KRISTEN: Yeah
ELLEN: Yeah?
KRISTEN: No
[KRISTEN TURNS AND RUNS AWAY. ELLEN MENACINGLY PACES DOWN THE HALLS OF SNL, SETH COMES OUT OF A ROOM BUTTONING HIS PANTS]
SETH: Hey, I was in the bathroom, what’d I miss?
[ELLEN SHOVES HIM AGAINST THE WALL, THEN KEEPS WALKING]
SETH: All my ribs!
[ELLEN WALKS DOWN THE HALL TO LORNE MICHAELS’ OFFICE, PUNCHES A SOLID HOLE THROUGH HIS DOOR, REACHES THROUGH IT AND TURNS KNOB FROM INSIDE. WALKS TO LORNE’S DESK AND TOSSES IT AWAY VIOLENTLY, GRABS LORNE’S CHAIR AND DUMPS HIM OUT OF IT, PICKS HIM UP BY COLLAR. LOWERS HER VOICE TO GROWL]
ELLEN: Massage my feet you maggot eating, lower than Earth-
worm dirt, pasty-faced bitch before I get really really…mad
[LORNE SHAKES HIMSELF OFF AS ELLEN SITS DOWN, STILL FRAZZLED BEGINS RUBBING HER FEET]
LORNE: We never talk
[ELLEN LIGHTS CIGARETTE AND TAKES A LONG DRAG]
