Commercial Parody
[BOBBY FLUSHES TOILET IN THE BATHROOM. SOUNDS OF A PARTY ARE AUDIBLE IN THE BACKGROUND. TOILET BEGINS TO FANTASTICALLY OVERFLOW, A FOUNTAIN OF SEWAGE WATER]
BOBBY: Whoa. Whoa! WHOA!
[BOBBY SCAMPERS OUT TO THE PARTY IN A PANIC, RUNS UP TO BILL AND WILL]
BOBBY: Dude! Dude!!! I was in the place! With the bath! In a
room! And, and, and, it’s going crazy! I need help!
WILL: Bobby, you drinking the shampoo again?
BOBBY: Brown water! Brown water! Broowwwwnnnn!
BILL: Bobby, did you back up the toilet?
BOBBY: That’s the one!
WILL: We’ll need the plunger!
BOBBY: We’ll need several towels!
BILL: No. We’ll need one big fuck-off towel
[A-TEAM THEME PLAYS AND ACTION SWITCHES TO SLOW-MOTION AS BILL RUSHES TO CLOSET AND PULLS OUT A LARGE PACKAGE LABELED ‘BIG FUCK-OFF TOWEL’. IT IS CLEARLY ENORMOUS AND VERY DIFFICULT TO CARRY. HE UNFURLS A PREPOSTEROUSLY LARGE TOWELS AND THROWS IT ON TOP OF THE ENTIRE TOILET, COMPLETELY COVERING IT. WILL AND BOBBY LOOK ON WITH A MIXTURE OF AWE AND CONFUSION]
BOBBY: That…was…amazing!
WILL: That did not solve the problem at all
BILL: What? It’s completely solved
[SHOT OF TOILET PUMPING MORE AND MORE WATER INTO AN ENORMOUS TOWEL]
BILL: I can’t imagine a thing that would make this situation better
[SHOT OF MASSIVE PACKAGE LABELED ‘BIG FUCK-OFF TOWEL’ ROTATING AS VOICEOVER NARRATION BOASTS OF ITS QUALITIES]
VOICEOVER:We’ve taken the amount of cloth that would normally be
used to make several towels, and used it to make one big
fuck-off towel. We do not engage in false advertising, this
towel is not especially absorbent, nor imbued with any
unique property, it is simply preposterously enormous.
Accept no substitutes; accept only the towel so big, you’ll
soon be foolishly attempting to use it as a solution to all of
your problems
[BILL, WILL, ARE STANDING TOGETHER AT A NEW PARTY, BOBBY APPROACHES THEM]
BOBBY: Dude, your toilet is still broken down from three weeks
ago? And you’re throwing a party? This is a disaster!
BILL: Bobby, you panicky jabbering idiot, there’s no problem.
You gotta go, you tinkle on the towel, buddy
BOBBY: On the towel?
BILL: Absolutely. It’s amazing
WILL: Aw man, I gotta go too
BILL: Bros, it’s a big fuck-off towel, why don’t you both go?
[BOBBY AND WILL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG, THEN LOCK ARMS AND WALK TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER. AFTER A MOMENT SETH RUNS UP IN A PANIC TO BILL]
SETH: Hey man, I heard a rumor that the bathroom is no more
than a large towel that several men are urinating on, is this
true?
BILL: Yeah, I’ve been using it for a few weeks now
SETH: I’ve also noticed that the few women in attendance are
fleeing in terror, do you know why?
[SHOT OF JENNY, KRISTEN, AND ABBY HUSTLING OUT OF THE PARTY AS FAST AS THEY CAN]
BILL: Because they don’t know what it means to be a man
[CUT BACK TO SHOT OF BIG-FUCK OFF TOWEL PACKAGING WITH VOICEOVER NARRATION]
VOICEOVER:Big Fuck-off Towel is available for four big fuck-off
payments of $74.99, with additional fees so that big
fuck-off guys can be hired to perform shipping and
handling. Not recommended to be carried if you suffer
from chronic back pain, or any other big fuck-off medical
issues. Big Fuck-Off Towel is useful for a variety of needs,
and is even sold to the military
[TWO PILOTS RIDING IN RECONNASAINCE PLANE ARE ANDY AND JASON]
ANDY: I always hate flying by and doing spy missions of Haiti, and
never getting to bomb it
JASON: I know, I know, but our flight manual in basic training was
very clear; ‘Don’t bomb Haiti’. I wonder how they knew
that that was the nation we were thinking of…
ANDY: We gotta be able to drop something on them!
JASON: Well…we do have the Big Fuck-Off towel on board
[ANDY AND JASON PEEK BACK TO SEE BIG FUCK-OFF TOWEL SITTING IN ITS PACKAGE RIGHT OVER THE BOTTOM HATCH OF THE PLANE, THEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE]
[FRED AND KENAN ARE TWO HAITIANS IN A CITY SQUARE SPEAKING FRENCH TO ONE ANOTHER AS ENGLISH SUBTITLES ARE PROVIDED]
KENAN: I cannot help but think that some horribly calamitous thing
is about to happen to Haiti. For it has been almost 20
minutes since the last thing.
FRED: Look at this, I am far too fair-skinned to be portraying a
Haitian. I am firing my agent
[CUT BACK TO SHOT OF BIG FUCK-OFF TOWEL OVER HATCH]
ANDY: Drop it!
[TOWEL DROPS OUT, CUT BACK TO PILOTS]
JASON: Take that…Haiti
[CUT TO FRED AND KENAN, WHO ARE NOW MERE LUMPS IN A LANDSCAPE COMPLETELY COVERED BY AN UNENDING DINGY BROWN TOWEL]
KENAN: I can only hope this is not another poorly planned UN
attempt to provide aid
FRED: What an enormous fucking towel
[CUT TO PRODUCT SHOT WITH VOICEOVER]
VOICEOVER:Big Fuck-Off towel, order now or get it free with a Chicken
Pomodori Grilled Panini at selected Corner Bakeries
More Blackouts
(Scientists observing subjects of sleep study)
Scientist #1: Look at them…they even sleep Jewish
(Scientists observing subjects of sleep study)
Scientist #1: What time is it?
Scientist #2: 10:00pm exactly, sir
Scientist #1: Time to rub grape jelly between their toes
(Scientists observing subject of sleep study)
(a moment of staring)
Scientist #1: Holy fuck! Are they awake?!?!
Scientist #2: Wha-What? No, sir. They’re clearly asleep
Scientist #1: Uh..heh..huh….so they are.
Digital Short
[LORNE APPROACHES THE ENTIRE CAST WHILE THEY ARE WRITING AND PREPARING FOR THE SHOW]
LORNE: Guys, gather round
WILL: Aw crap, I knew it
LORNE: No Will, you’re not fired
WILL: Really?
LORNE: Really. The network is moving us out of our time slot.
They feel that they’re wasting us. Apparently on Saturday
nights most people go out with their friends and don’t
watch TV at all. We are just hearing about this
FRED: But that’s preposterous, we are Saturday Night Live
LORNE: Not anymore, we are now Wednesday Morning Funtime…
for kiddies
[CUT TO SCENE OF SETH GIVING PEP-TALK TO THE CAST]
SETH: Alright guys we can do this. If we’re really great
comedians, we can appeal to any audience. Andy!
ANDY: Yeah?
SETH: Take your existing songs, and just edit out the sexual
references and vulgarity
ANDY: Uh…
SETH: Kenan!
KENAN: What’s up?
SETH: Return to your creative peak of 15 years ago
KENAN: Man, screw you Seth
SETH: Will!
WILL: Yes?
SETH: You’re fired
WILL: Right
[CUT TO SCENE WITH KRISTEN WIIG SITTING IN FRONT OF A MAKEUP MIRROR]
SETH: Are you prepared to perform in garish clown makeup for
the rest of your career?
KRISTEN: Well…I did have a cameo role on Desperate Housewives
once
[CUT TO SCENE WITH SETH ARGUING WITH A CREW MEM BER]
SETH: I want more rainbows, and butterscotch clouds!
CREW: We’ve never designed sets for children’s programming
before, Seth
SETH: It’s simple! Just imagine what any set would look like, if
the viewers were retarded and gay
[CUT TO SETH PEPPING UP THE CAST BEFOR THE SHOW]
SETH: Alright guys, we worked hard preparing for this and I’m
proud of all you, let’s have a great show!
[CAST RUNS OUT ENTHUSIASTICALLY, MAKING IT VISIBLE THAT WILL IS NOW SWEEPING THE FLOORS BEHIND THEM] [MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM THE SHOW] [BRIAN URLACHER GIVING THE OPENING MONOLOGUE WEARING RAINBOWS OVERALLS SPEAKING IN AN UNENTHUSIASTIC MONOTONE]
BRIAN: Hey kids, we got a great show for you this morning, and
we'll be right back after a five-minute long PSA about
huffing glue
[SETH MEYERS ON WEEKEND UPDATE]
SETH: Today’s top story; Parents are stupid!
[ANDY IN A DIGITAL SHORT DRESSED AS HIS ‘DICK IN A BOX’ WITH A MASSIVE BOX OF TEDDY GRAHAMS TIED AROUND HIS WAIST AS HE DANCES WITH MILEY CYRUS]
ANDY: (singing) It’s Teddy Grahams in a box!
[A DISTURBING IMAGE OF MILEY CYRUS REACHING INTO ANDY’S BOX, CUT TO JASON INTRODUCING KRISTEN]
JASON: Hey kids, it’s your favorite party clown, Krazy & Kooky
Kristy!
[KRISTEN DANCES OUT WITH TERRIFYING ORANGE AND RED FACE MAKEUP, CHILDREN SCREAMING IS AUDIBLE] [CUT TO SETH LOOKING ON WITH LORNE, ANDY CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND SINGING A REVISED VERSION OF ‘LIKE A BOSS’ WITH LINES SUCH AS ‘BRUSH MY TEETH’, ‘ACT POLITELY’, AND ‘SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO’]
LORNE: I didn’t think you could pull this off Seth, but you did
SETH: Yeah, it’s all really coming together
[MONTAGE CONTINUES, WITH FRED AS BARACK OBAMA READING TO CHILDREN]
FRED: Hello children, I can’t help but notice that some of your
republican friends didn’t show up today
[CUT TO KENAN DRESSED AS HIS ‘ALL THAT’ CHARACTER OF SUPERDUDE, WITH ABBY AND BOBBY ALSO IN THE SCENE]
ABBY: But Superdude, your weakness is your lactose intolerance
KENAN: I know what my weakness is! I did this sketch when I was
16!
[CUT TO ABBY, JENNY, KRISTEN PLAYING A VERSION OF THE DATING GAME RETITLED TO ‘WHICH JONAS BROTHER WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A PLAYDATE WITH?’ WHERE BILL HOSTS]
BILL: So Jenny, which Jonas brother would you like to go on a
playdate with? Nick Jonas? Joe Jonas? Or Kevin Jonas?
JENNY: I don’t know man, that’s a lot of fucking Jonases
[CUT TO SEVERAL SHOTS OFBILL FROZEN IN SHOCK, SETH FROZEN IN SHOCK, LORNE FROZEN IN SHOCK, AND FINALLY THE JONAS BROTHERS NEAR TEARS AND TRYING TO COVER THEIR EARS] [NEW SCENE WITH LORNE ADDRESSING CAST]
LORNE: We got our old timeslot back
[CAST CHEERS]
LORNE: We also rehired Will
[CUT TO WILL ON THE SIDE WAVING HAPPILY]
[CAST MUMBLES AND MURMURS WITH A CLEAR LACK OF EXCITEMENT]
i think the towel concept is perfect if you think about the fact that they cant say or print the word fuck. the sheer forced awkwardness of having the word bleeped out repeatedly and then having to literally blur it out on the screen is a concept that, while done before, never really gets old.
ReplyDeletethe scientist blackouts... i dont know. i have to see them to really feel them, i think.
obviously i think the digital short would have to be as frenetic as fucking possible, as least in the montage. they would have to be seriously on crank to push it as far as it goes in my mind, but if they got nearly there, i would be pretty happy with the end result. think of the digital short "people getting punched right before eating" and andy's super excited face, and you will know what i mean.