The first thing is a TV-parody of a bunch of CBS procedural shows, as I hate them. The second is a parody of the movie Public Enemies. There are then a few blackouts. There are typos, and I am lazy.
[BILL HADER AS HORATIO CAINE AND ABBY ELLIOTT AS CALLEIGH DUQUENSE FROM CSI: MIAMI STANDING OVER A HORRIBLY MANGLED CORPSE]
ABBY: It appears that the victim was being stabbed with an empty
bottle of Corona, when he was shot in the face with a poison
dart, at which time someone began to strangle him with his
own necktie. After he died, from a brick shot out of an air
cannon positioned half a mile away that struck him in the
head, he was skinned, de-boned, re-boned with someone
else’s bones, before he was cooked in this enormous pan
BILL: And yet, no signs of a struggle
ABBY: From the presence of these oversize tortillas, and these tubs
of sour cream, shredded asiago cheese, and guacamole, the
killer intended to eat the victim, but ran off when he was
spotted by the witness who reported the body to us
[SAYS LINE WHILE TAKING OFF BLACK SUNGLASSES]
BILL: He was fixing himself a fine dish of carne asadism
ABBY: Let’s not jump to conclusions, the bosses are furious with
us already because we have the lowest conviction rate in the
entire department
BILL: What? We do?
ABBY: Well yeah, we always collect a small amount of obscure
evidence, then arrest suspects largely on the strength of
scenarios of the murder you concoct in your head using
a series of wild inferences. It’s always really impressive
to the other cops, and really cool when we act it out, but
it doesn’t really constitute legal evidence, combined with
the fact that we never ever follow proper police procedure
when interrogating suspects. Ever.
BILL: Lawyers mess up the lighting on my hair
ANDY: You call that hair?
[ANDY AS PATRICK JANE FROM ‘THE MENTALIST’ COMPELTE WITH BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR APPEARS]
ABBY: How did you get on this crime scene? What department are
you from?
ANDY: Don’t be silly, I’m not policeman, I’m just a douchebag
who tells people what to do. Any amateurish investigator
could find, and be fooled by the presence of these Mexican
accoutrements, but they’d be remiss to ignore the whiff of
sauerkraut and russian dressing, leading me to search under
this conveniently located tarp
[ANDY LIFTS UP TARP TO REVEAL OVERSIZE COLLECTION OF RYE BREAD, RUSSIAN DRESSING, SAUERKRAUT, AND SWISS CHEESE]
which shows that they intended to make this man into a
delicious reuben sandwich!
ABBY: He was preparing the victim to be his corned beef!
[BILL SAYS LINE WHILE TAKING OFF GLASSES AGAIN]
BILL: When I make myself corned beef, I like to mix in a little
Hash
ANDY: What?
BILL: Don’t you ever wonder why I talk like this? I’m stoned out
of my mind
[JASON AS LEROY GIBBS, AND JENNY AS ABBY SCIUTO APPEARS FLASHING THEIR BADGES]
JASON: Excuse me! Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, this is
Forensic Specialist Abigail Sciuto. She’s the only person I
know with a personality
JENNY: This crime scene is totally hinky
JASON: Yes it is, and you’re all trespassing on military property, as
this is a matter to be handled by the US Navy
[ANDY, BILL, AND ABBY LOOK AROUND AT THE SCENE CONFUSED]
ANDY: Um…what are you guys doing here?
JASON: This is nothing more than a naval training exercise gone
slightly awry
ABBY: Slightly?
JASON: We were experimenting with feeding troops more
efficiently by simply making one large enormous meal, and
it didn’t quite work
ANDY: What went wrong?
JASON: He was supposed to fall into the tortilla
BILL(to Andy): Told you
JASON: And he was also not supposed to die
[KRISTEN AS DETECTIVE LILY RUSH AND KENAN AS DETECTIVE WILL JEFFRIES FROM COLD CASE APPEAR]
KRISTEN: Justice is a dish best served cold
ABBY: Aw man, who the hell are you?
KENAN: Philadelphia Police, Cold Case Squad
JASON: And why are you here?
KRISTEN: Because this murder occurred 37 years ago…
KENAN: …In Philadelphia
ANDY: I don’t think there’s any way that you can explain how this
murder could have occurred 37 years ago
[BRIAN URLACHER AS LIEUTENANT KOJAK APPEARS SUCKING ON A LOLLIPOP]
BRIAN: But maybe I can! After all, who loves ya baby?
Lieutenant Theo Kojak, I was assigned to escort a witness
in a mob case back in ’72, and I lost track of him when I
left him to score with a kargiola in Philly. I’ve been
looking for the guy ever since for the past 37 years, though
admittedly not as much since I died in ’94. Now it appears
to have been brutally murdered in some incident involving
the navy, a giant taco, and a reuben sandwich. Ta gamisa.
KENAN: Well, who killed this man?
BRIAN: Well that’s easy. Jerry Bruckheimer did, he kills
everybody so that we have jobs
ANDY: Including my entire family!
ABBY: And thank God that he does
[RANDOM SONG BY THE WHO PLAYS OVER SHOT OF CBS LOGO]
[1930’S ERA BANK WHERE WILL AND FRED ARE BANK WORKERS WHERE KRISTEN IS A BANK CUSTOMER. WILL IS COUNTING KRISTEN’S MONEY]
WILL: You see ma’am I cannot accept this into your account, for it
is not a penny, but an unusually shiny button
KRISTEN: Yes, but it is a very shiny button
[BILL AS JOHN DILLINGER, BRIAN AS BABY FACE NELSON, WITH BOBBY AND ANDY AS THEIR BACKUP, ALL ATTENDANTS OF THE BANK PUT THEIR HANDS UP IN TERROR]
FRED: Holy smokes! It’s John Dillinger and his somewhat puffy-
faced companion
BILL: I’m John Dillinger, and this is my companion Baby-Face
Nelson, the other two men are escaped mental patients
who've been following me for miles
BRIAN: This is a robbery! Do what we say or we’ll kill you!
WILL: Yes, we are aware of the protocol, and are one step ahead of
you, as we have already raised our hands in pure terror.
Unless my nose deceives me, my counterpart here has gone
so far as to soil his pants
[FRED NODS]
FRED: Indeed I have
KRISTEN: I too, have tinkled in my girtle
BILL: Well there’s no need for that folks, if everyone stays calm,
everyone stays alive
WILL: You shot Avery the last time you came here
BILL: We were here before? I don’t remember that, who the hell
is Avery?
FRED: Right in the face
BILL: Alright, I definitely didn’t shoot anyone in the face. I think
brains are icky
BRIAN: I…I probably shot someone in the face the last time we
were here
BILL: Guh, why?! Why would you do such a thing? And why are
we robbing the same place twice? You realize banks have
less money after we rob them, right?
FRED: Are you going to rob us or not? My arms are getting tired
and I need to change my pants
BILL: Alright, there’s no need to stick up your arms, we mean you
no harm, we just want the money
KRISTEN: You want to steal my pennies?
WILL: They’re buttons, ma’am
BILL: We’re not here for your money, we’re here for the bank’s
FRED: Wha? But we put our money into the bank
BILL: Yeah, it’s the bank, it’s not really you
WILL: It’s the same, physical money, just in a stored location—
BILL: No it’s not, it’s different
FRED: Do you understand the concept of a bank?
BILL: Look, the bank is the establishment. They represent the
Man whose done you wrong, we’re folk heroes!
WILL: This bank is locally-owned
BRIAN: Shut up!
BILL: Yeah, shut up. Let’s not forget who has the guns and crazy
people on their side
[SHOT OF BOBBY AND ANDY LICKING THEIR TOMMY GUNS]
FRED: Well do you just want the money that the one rich guy who
lives here has in the bank, or everyone’s money?
BILL: Um, we’ll just take everyone’s money
WILL: You’re not really folk heroes if you take all of our money
BILL: Yes we are, it’s the bank’s money—
WILL: No you’re not—
[GUNBLAST SOUNDS AS BRIAN SHOOTS KRISTEN, SHE WHIMPERS AS SHE FALLS DOWN]
KRISTEN: Oh my!
FRED: You shot the annoying button lady!
BILL: Why would that be the thing for us to do?
BRIAN: They were going to say we weren’t folk heroes, so if we
shoot all of them, no one will know we aren’t
FRED: No, that’s not how it works!
WILL: Nuh-uh!
BILL: They’re right, the trail of civilian corpses will inevitably
dismiss notions of our heroism. And why did you shoot her,
of all people?
BRIAN: She was closest and her girdle smelled bad
[BILL STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS CENTER OF STAGE AND GIVE SOLILOQUY]
BILL: Baby-Face, I feel as if we’re getting away from the reasons
I got into this practice. I saw injustice and a consolidation
of all the wealth in this country in the hands of a few while
the rest of this nation lay powerless. I wanted to strike back,
not to hurt and kill my fellow men but to put the world on
its ear, and maybe show that if you use your smarts you can
really do something in—
[BILL LOOKS OFFSTAGE AND REACTS]
BILL: Aw shucks, it’s the coppers
[JASON AS A COP BURSTS IN AND START SHOOTING WILDLY MISSING EVERYONE AS THEY STARE BLANKLY WATCHING HIM AS HE SLOWLY MOVES TOWARD KRISTEN’S BODY]
JASON: Is this girdle urine?
[JASON SLIPS AND FALLS, KNOCKS HIMSELF UNCONSCIOUS]
BILL: That was disappointingly easy, but why didn’t you fire
back?
BRIAN: It’s the same cop who shot at us last time, why waste bullets
we can use on civilians?
[BRIAN AIMS WEAPONS AT FRED AND WILL WHO SCREAM AS IMAGE FREEZES AND CUTS TO ‘PUBLIC ENEMIES’ POSTER WITH SCROLLING TEXT]
VOICEOVER:John Dillinger went on robbing banks constantly and
generally avoiding shooting people for no reason. History
does not remember him has a folk hero, but he is generally
acknowledged to not be a total D-bag. Baby-Face Nelson
continued to repeatedly shoot civilians in the head, often
when they weren’t even looking, and is universally
regarded as a crazy bastard. Both were killed by authorities
in 1934. And both were found to have tinkled in their
girdles immediately prior. They were wearing girdles under
their suits, because they were cross-dressers, as were most
men in the 1930’s. Especially J. Edgar Hoover.
More Blackouts
(Child dressed up in a suit is sitting impatiently in a waiting room, empties two bags of M&Ms on table and begins sorting them)
Child: Put all the blues with blues…..reds with reds…oranges with orange….browns with browns
(Man with headset and clipboard opens door and pokes his head in
Man: 5 minutes, Mr. Beck
Child: Thank you, Gerald
(Child goes back to sorting)
Child: Yellows with yellows…
(Goldilocks is asleep in a bed as the Three Bears look on)
Baby Bear: Man, I thought I told her honky ass not to come over till 9
Mama Bear: What?
Baby Bear: What?!?! Huh?!?! That white girl broke into our house! Let’s eat her!
Papa Bear: Ok.
(Wife covering Husband’s eyes, then lets go)
Wife: Ok, you can open them now!
Husband: Oh honey! A hot tub in our bathroom!
Wife: You like it?
Husband: It’s perfect! Wow, just the other day I said to Bob, “you know Bob, I am way too rich to still be peeing in a toilet.”
(Teacher sits down in principal’s office)
Principal: Tim, I think that’s probably going to be the last class trip to the zoo
Tim: What? Why? Because we didn’t get back till 4?
Principal: Well it’s a variety of factors
Tim: Because we went over-budget?
Principal: Don’t dodge around the issue Tim, you know why
(Tim sighs deeply, and bows his head)
Tim: Are parents complaining because…(sighs again) the kids saw all those elephants commit suicide?
Principal: Yeah, that’s it
