Filmed sketch idea

And by "idea" I mean "script."

A man is sitting on a couch, breathing heavily, with a look of exasperation on his face.

HUCKSTER enters

HUCKSTER - Hey, there, what are you doing Petey?

PETEY - Why, I’m breathing!

HUCKSTER - But why?

PETEY - Because we all need oxygen to survive!

HUCKSTER - Aren’t you tired of breathing regular old oxygen, Petey?

PETEY - Of course I am! But I cannot stop, or I will die!

HUCKSTER - Petey, don’t you put fruit in your yogurt to make it taste better?

PETEY - Of course I do!

(Show PETEY inserting an entire peeled banana into a wide bowl of yogurt, then giving the camera a thumbs-up while the word YUM! flashes across the screen)

HUCKSTER - Would you eat a hot dog without mustard, or, if you’re an idiot, ketchup?

PETEY - Of course not!

(Show PETEY pouring generous amounts of mustard onto a hot dog, then slowly shoving the entire mass into his mouth while giving a thumbs up and the word DELICIOUS! flashes across the screen)

HUCKSTER - Foods are better with condiments, Petey!

(Show PETEY at the drive-thru of Taco Bell being asked if he wants hot sauce with his burritos. He responds, “Would I!” then turns and gives a thumbs-up to the camera while grinning)

HUCKSTER - This very nation was founded in the pursuit of spices, which wise, enlightened British people understood would make their food taste delicious. Eating a food without the necessary condiments is unpatriotic, and entirely against what this nation stands for!

(Show PETEY putting an uncooked hot dog wiener into his mouth, while he flips off an American flag as TREASON! flashes across the screen)

PETEY - I completely understand all that, but what other option do I have when it comes to breathing?

HUCKSTER - (pulling out a pipe) Smoke TOBACCO, Petey! Why breathe regular, boring air when it could be air with TOBACCO in it!

PETEY - (accepting the pipe) Wow, thanks!

Cut to: HUCKSTER and PETEY, sitting on a couch, smoking.

PETEY - You were right! Breathing tobacco is so much better than just regular old air. I could never go back to breathing plain, boring air again!

HUCKSTER - Tobacco! Oxygen’s condiment!

I reserve the right to try to do this with HA, if I ever get around to it.